On Satirical News Bits: Vol. 6

Here’s some midweek satire to lead you toward the weekend. Thank you Onion! Any favorites?

Photographer Has Basketball Player Hold Arms Outstretched with a Ball in Each Hand

Josh Hartnett Returns to Pearl Harbor for First Time since Film

New Robot Warns when someone’s about to Walk in on You Masturbating

Ways to Teach Uninformed People

Family Passes around Phone so Each could have Identical Conversations with Aunt Sally

Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl’s Heart

Cute 8-Year-Old Starting To Realize How Much Better She Is Than Ugly Girls

Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side of Argument

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

Guy Who Holds Yardsticks Picks Up Some Side Work Measuring Carpet

Anthropologist Traces Human Origins Back to One Large Goat

Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyer on White House Bulletin Board (The pic of this makes it worth seeing)

On a Pathetic Lot

Simply put – as a collective, those occupying the hallowed halls of the US Congress are, at best, a very pathetic lot. I’m not going to call them clowns because I recognize both the viciousness and the shrewdness involved, so pathetic remains a suitable adjective.

We elect members to the House of Representatives on two-year terms – thus they make selfish decisions in light of their upcoming re-election bid that is always just around the corner.

We elect members to Congress who make decisions based on their needs, their party’s needs, and their donor’s needs – with the country’s needs no more than a selective sound bite.

We elect members to Congress who get outstanding financial support from special interests, so the elected legislate to the needs of the donors. Open Secrets is a great resource about campaign donors, PACs, and lobbying.

We elect members to Congress who fail to accept responsibility – just listen to them for proof.

We elect members to Congress who use their position to secure their next job. Not all, after all, but this applies to too many.

We elect members to Congress who get favors from the law for which is illegal for private citizens – such as insider trading.

We elect members to Congress so they (as a body) can determine their leadership based on their fund-raising ability for the party.

We elect members to Congress who regularly speak to financial accountability but regard Congress’s own operating budget as a well-guarded secret.

We elect members to Congress who are not the problem because it’s those from the other districts and states.

Meanwhile, with most of 2012 lying ahead, do not expect much from Congress in 2012 for this reason – both parties are rolling the dice with hopes of gaining power from the November vote so they can drive their agenda. Yes, they are truly pathetic.

On a Classy Start

Sure hope everyone had a good weekend. Ours was low key. We did our ballroom dance thing Friday night, but otherwise stayed home most of the weekend.

I imagine a busy work week ahead; however, I’m hoping to post more this week – but I probably won’t be able to keep up with replying to comments (which bothers me).

Here’s a classical start to your week. Enjoy this vintage clip from two stars in their field. Have a good week!

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 124

On Politics
Here are a few interesting tidbits regarding the Republican Primary:

  • The nominee needs over 1100 delegates
  • The three events to date have distributed about 75 delegates
  • Newt Gingrich is not on the ballot in states with about 550 delegates

I did not watch the State of the Union because I already know Congress makes asses of themselves, thus have low tolerance for reinforcement of what I already know.

The Constitution requires the President to report to Congress annually, but it does not require the opposing party to have a response.

To Governor Daniels and Republicans: If President Obama is dividing America, what have Republicans done to NOT divide America?

On Headlines from The Onion
Coroner Levels Examination Table with Piece of Ear
North Korea Returns to Normalcy with Synchronized Disco Jumping-Rope Gala
Arizona Iced Tea Reveals Four-Foot Cans
Nation’s Sound Engineers Gather to Talk about Their Ponytails
Michelle Obama Turns on Light in Middle of Night to Discover Bedroom Full of Silent Obese Children Starring at Her

Special Edition: State of the Union Headlines from The Onion
Twitter Crashes from Sheer Volume of Clear, Insightful Comments on SOTU
Frocked Podium Boys Shine in Pre-SOTU
Obama begins SOTU by Asking Congress to Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them

Special Edition: Presidential Primary Headlines from The Onion
Romney Cements Status as Candidate who can somehow Lose to Newt Gingrich
Exit Polls Reveal Majority of South Carolina Voters had Emotional Breakdown in Voting Booth
Ron Paul Supporters like the Way Paul Tells it like it has No Chance of Being
Romneymania Sweeps America

Interesting Reads
Picture Essay of the 1937 Flood
Meaningless Iowa
Six Interesting Images of the Unseen
A Good Little League Story

On Potpourri
I surprise to hear that the concussion rate for females is higher than in males.

The work project is a good example of insanity. Meanwhile, I miss being here. Maybe I can at least increase some posts.

I was saddened to hear the recent news of the passing of on the Sweathogs from Welcome Back Kotter – Robert Hedges who played Juan Epstein.

On Satirical News Bits: Vol. 5

Nothing like a dose of satire to get one over the midweek hump. Which is your favorite?

Congress Debates Merits of New Catchphrase

Oprah Views Patiently Awaiting Instructions

Man who Stayed-up until Dawn Eating Mice Refers to Self as Night Owl

Area Man’s Hard Work finally Pays Off for Employer

Presidential Fitness Test now Awarded to any Kid who can Eat without Sweating

Surgeon General: Smoking is Fine as Long as You Do it when Drinking

Werewolf Apparently Allergic to Peanuts

Duck Tells Self, “Maybe Hang Out in the Water Awhile, then Look for some Old Bread”

Nation’s Weirdest Teen Buys Season 1 DVD of Murphy Brown

Area Dad Hopes Son’s Interest in Long Jumping Just a Phase

Father Not Letting Firstborn Repeat Mistakes He Made as Nine-Month-Old

Study Finds Getting Smacked Right in the Mouth with a Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks