On Satire Bits: Vol. 83

Wow … was it ever cold here. And to add dollop of insult, Anchorage (Alaska) was in the 40s! I stayed in as much as possible, but when I went outside, the raw cold was quite noticeable! Fortunately, it wasn’t overly windy.

The winter blast engaging the southeastern US reminds my wife and I of weather we encountered about three years ago along the Florida-Alabama coast. While the north wind was strong and cold, snow was falling several miles inland … and 50 miles inland received 7 inches of snow! Believe me, all they do (understandably) is treat the roads with sand.

Your midweek dose of satire from The Onion is below. Which is your favorite? For those wanting that extra challenge, make your own headline by using only the words in the headlines below. My combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Tears get into pizza bagel

Piano keys not involved in The Entertainer noticeably distressed

Seventh grade biology class grossed out having to dissect horse

Area woman almost images taste of peppermint mocha on tongue but stops herself

Boss came to work today dressed as guy who fires Sean

High school football player gives girl friend his mouth guard to wear to class

Lovers lost in fog

Gatorade releases new performance suppository

Mom’s head rotates demonically after passing sign for antique wicker furniture

Newly naturalized citizen taken around USA for orientation

My Combo: Distressed boss in tears after tasting suppository

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47 thoughts on “On Satire Bits: Vol. 83

  1. hello Frank! cold, but at least it keeps the bug population down…may they freeze solid and thaw very slowly….how about: Piano Keys Lost! Lovers Not Involved.
    have a wonderful Wednesday! :P

    • Sun,
      No kidding about the bugs!!!! … but they are quite a vibrant bunch. Whew … at least we don’t have to wonder what the lovers were doing with the piano keys! Stay warm!!!!

  2. The. Mouth guard headline totally grossed me out and reminded me just why I dated the smart guys and not the jocks. Of course I didn’t have many dates ….

  3. Peppermint pizza grossed out football player

    we’ve been shivering much more than usual here No. TX – temps this morning 24 on Sunday they were 70+.

    • Mary,
      Thanks for sharing your weather … thus helping everyone see the wide range of low temps. I think it’s time to move ‘em on, move ‘em out!

      Meanwhile, now that headline would be a surprise!

  4. Though I don’t know exactly how widespread it is, Atlanta is in an absolute state of chaos! I know people down there who took 7-8 hours to get home, and some had to find a hotel or hunker down in their cars overnight. Untreated icy roads made it sometimes actually impossible to get anywhere. I’m told trucks have been requested to just not go into the city today, at all. I’ve seen some rather hilarious (in a way) comparative pictures to Atlanta traffic yesterday vs Atlanta traffic in the Walking Dead zombie apocalypse…. hint: the winter storm was worse!!

  5. Today, pizza demonically on the piano keys grossed out Boss, football player, lovers, and newly naturalized citizen lost at work without peppermint mocha or Gatorade.
    (When we hoped you were chillin’ during the move, we didn’t mean brrrr type cold. Stay warm!)

  6. Hi Frank, getting cooler here now, but (touch wood!) no snow yet.
    Here’s my effort (with an extra comma thrown in for good measure!): Sean lost antique wicker furniture in fog, Mom’s noticeably distressed

  7. I just can’t imagine the cold you’re experiencing, Frank. I think it’s amazing you’re willing to leave the house at all. LOL! The headlines are all really good this time. I really like, “Piano keys not involved in The Entertainer noticeably distressed.” Were there any keys not involved?

    • Debra,
      The bitter cold is becoming history, but time will tell. I can say that for Cincinnati, this has been abnormal. However, not as bad as the winters of 1976-77 and 1977-78 because both of those years included blizzard conditions. Meanwhile, of the 88 piano keys, I want to know how many are distressed! … sounds like a reason to form a support group.

  8. Though I of course read the others, nothing can top yours this week, not even the Onion itself can top yours this week. You are getting so good you should let them know you are out here and ready.

    Cold? I think it must all be relative you know. The entire south shuts down, even coming close to declaring a state of emergency for 3 inches of snow. While you all, though suffering the icy wastelands and unimaginable cold, just carry on. Now personally I begin to whinge at 50, start high pitched whining at anything below 40 and at freezing I simply crawl into bed and weep copious tears of self-pity.
    :)

    • Val,
      I know you thrive in hot, steamy weather … so starting to wince at 50 is understandable (well, for you). ;) … but your point is well taken because it is a matter of perspective. So I’m thankful I’m not in North Dakota!!!

      Thanks for the kind words. I give The Onion a lot of credit for what they do … so I just collect them. However, I don’t think I could create mine on my own because The Onion’s headlines acts as my foundation. Nonetheless, I appreciate the praise! :)

  9. Still cold here too. S-T were nasty. Yesterday & today was above 0. But – still under 32.
    My teeth are still chattering.

    Your combo: YUK!
    My Combo: Mom’s head rotates demonically after having to dissect horse. ( I know…kinda’ lame-o)

    • RoSy,
      My weather is breaking, but I know you are much more northern. Hope warmth is coming your way soon. Meanwhile, you have joined the large group of readers featuring demonic acts.

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