On Satire Bits: Vol. 85 – The Valentine’s Edition

The cold still has a grip on the much of the northern US, thus in the battle of groundhogs, Phil’s prediction is (at the moment) looking better than Chuck’s. It has also been a week the southeastern US received another dose of ice and snow while the northwest is dealing with the aftermath from the Pineapple Express.

One last reminder – The next post marks the debut of Life: The Musical. Get your songs ready with titles that include life, living, alive, lived, or live (that rhymes with give, not five). Curtain time is 9:30 pm (Eastern US) Wednesday.

With Valentine’s Day looming large on Friday’s calendar, I rummaged around archive vaults at The Onion to find appropriate head-shakers for your mid-week dose of satire. Any favorites? Yep, I’m staying away from a combo. ;) Have a good rest of the week!

Annual Valentine’s Day stoning of happy couple held

Man born on Valentine’s Day only gets half the sex

From 123holidays.org

From 123holidays.org

Valentine’s Day coming a little early in relationship

Going out is too much hassle

Heart-shaped tub clogged again

Morning after romantic night ruined by sight of rose petals stuck to sweaty husband’s back

Romantic hostage negotiator offers bank robbers moon, stars

Girlfriend dumped after Valentine-candy-related weight gain

More vegetables evolving chocolate-sauce-filled-centers as evolutionary imperative

Romanic evening squandered on spouse

20,000 tons of pubic hair trimmed in preparation of Valentine’s Day

Onion References

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54 thoughts on “On Satire Bits: Vol. 85 – The Valentine’s Edition

      • No spewing liquid this time around…but a huge gafaw! loud enough to wake the neighbours…
        Torrential rain and wild wind plowing through this week. Seems weather is making an attempt to catch up on the lack of moisture traditionally captured during our winter months. Probably means we’ll have rain until the end of what [we used to call] summer! Mother Nature is in a foul mood and pointing her “gotcha” finger not only in the Pacific Northwest but your region and eastwards.
        You and yours holding up well? Hope you get a weather break…the March Move is coming soon.

  1. OMG, Frank, I hardly know how to pick a favorite, but the one about the man born on Valentine’s Day is right up there–no pun intended, I swear! Stay warm and Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

  2. Darn it, Frank. I thought today was the day. I have been trying to find the perfect song that nobody would ever think of (I mean, how many folks are going to say “In My Life” especially on this Beatles’ anniversary week!). So I guess I even you out.

    Secret — I’ve got John talking about dog breeds. I will have a dog before you know it!

  3. Odd, you forgot the number one choice, the go-to-hog of the woodchuck kind, Wiarton Willie. I might be bias, okay I am bias. But Willie’s been do’n his shtick, longer than Phil and Chuck. And a albino woodchuck seems more fitting for winter predictions.

    Valentine’s Day, oh yeah! -guess I’ll have to buff up the pink tub.

    Thanks for the mid-week ‘shtufffs’, Frank.

    • Hudson,
      I know of Willie’s legendary status, but didn’t know (until now) his 2014 prognostication. Seems he agrees with Phil, but Shubenacadie Sam channels the same vibes as Buckeye Chuck. Thus it seems that the legends are sticking together, as are the counterthinkers.

      Reminder … i’s not a pink tub, but Dusty Rose!

  4. I enjoy reading through your Onion Head-Shaker Satires rapidly as if I’m throwing them against the wall of my brain and seeing which one(s) stick. Today it was “More vegetables evolving chocolate-sauce-filled-centers as evolutionary imperative.” It sounded cool and in some manner might even be true.

  5. I don’t think any of the songs that immediately came to mind would be what you are looking for. The word ‘alive’ conjured so many songs from my days in the church choir such as ‘He’s Alive’. But there was one song from the seventies I believe from the BeeGees – I may need to look that up to be sure – ‘Living It Up’? Disco or religious? Hmm. I’ll try to do better next time.

  6. The Onion really is somethin’ else with romantic tips & advice… ;)
    I think I have a song in mind.
    I have a song in mind for tonight. I think it’s one that will be posted before I get to it. SO – I will have a few back-ups just in-case.
    Woot, woot!

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