On Satire Bits: Vol. 86

Unbelievably, a warm wave has bestowed itself upon Cincinnati. In order to accommodate the melting water, over the past two days I’ve chipped away at the ice blocking the water flow … and hooray … it’s moving! The rest of the week will also provide some rain … maybe even storms … so now I wonder when the flood waters will arrive. Although I’m high and dry, I grew up in a river town that flooded.

The phone has dominated my last two days with necessary conversations with movers, utilities, our accountant (it’s tax season), banks, deliveries, and others. When I’m on hold, I kill time by packing some items.

Enough of my week, how’s yours going?

For those needing a chuckle, here’s your mid-week collection of satire courtesy of The Onion. For the daring, rise to the occasion of using the information in these headlines to form a new headline. My combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

Man doesn’t need to have fun to drink

Local company now 95% interns

Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on West

Man doesn’t know how parents ever going to payoff massive student loan debt

Man upset with girlfriend changes profile picture back to truck

Parents finally cave in and buy 33-year-old son PlayStation 1

Lunch rebuilds friendship ruined at last lunch

Report: Fritz a fine name for a boy

Man confidently hits “Send” on worst job application company ever saw

Individuals unaware they constitute area man’s support network

Man unknowingly purchases lifetime supply of condoms

My Combo: Fritz the Buddhist vows tranquility with lifetime supply of condoms

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88 thoughts on “On Satire Bits: Vol. 86

  1. Warmer weather, ice melts, cleared drains, packing, taxes and Fritz the Condom Carrier….it just keeps getting better and better…
    You so make me smile…and spew morning coffee from time to time.
    Keep up the good work, aFA.
    Sincerely, Jots.

  2. We almost had lunch at Skyline Chili today, and I thought of you. But we opted on the Olive Garden instead. Maybe next week.

    I, too, am looking forward to the warmer weather. Yeehaw!!

    • Carrie,
      Almost Skyline means the thought is still in your head … so hopefully next week. Glad I came to your mind with a Cincinnati favorite, and you get another chance today if you want to celebrate Chocolate Mint Day with some Graeter’s. Although it’s temporary, cheers to some warmth!!!

  3. I am not exactly looking forward to the rain, the melting and the slush in the days ahead, Frank. I heard on the news this evening that these warm temperatures will be temporary and the freezing cold will be back next week. Forgive me for sounding like I’m quoting a passage out of Debbie Downer’s gloom and doom playbook, but this long winter is taking a toll on me psychologically. I will take leave of your site now to go outside to punch a snowman.

  4. We went to Kansas City over the weekend. Nice town. Ate some good food at BBQ, Mexican, and Vietnamese. Toured the Boulevard Brewery free with 4 free samples. Nice folks there.

    Headline…
    Buddhist in cave rebuilds truck unaware as girlfriend purchases 33-year-old condom.

    • Jim,
      Welcome back from a safe journey. KC is a city for good eats! … and the local brew craze is interesting. Did you encounter any bad weather? Meanwhile, just another example that the general public doesn’t know much about what’s happening in caves.

  5. Thanks for the chuckles as this week wears on. I will think spring for you!

    Report: Upset Buddhist extremist purchases tranquility with a lifetime supply of condoms at last lunch.

  6. Having just completed my weekly AFRANKANGLE “What Sticks To The Wall Onion Headliners Scan Test,” the winner based upon (1) irony, (2) word efficiency, (3) the Stranded On A Desert Island Effect, and (4) the chances of hearing it on SNL’s WEEKEND UPDATE, is: “Local company now 95% interns.”
    Also wanted you to know that this group of Onions was one of your very best, and that the top pick barely nudged out “Man upset with girlfriend changes profile picture back to truck.”

  7. My husband has also cleared the catch basins around our house because the “weather people” are warning us of two systems colliding to form a massive rain storm here. In other news, hubby and I will be taking a trip to Jamaica to assist in overcoming the winter blues we are both suffering from. The neat thing about the trip, is I will get the opportunity to meet and have coffee with one of my Twitter friends.

    My combo: Man’s support network purchases lifetime supply of condoms. (Not an exciting combo, but as you know, condoms are high on my list of purchases, lol).

    • Catherine,
      Hooray for getting a chance for a getaway. Never been to Jamaica, but hey …. a treat of warm weather will do you good! Meanwhile, your inclusion of condoms wasn’t a surprise! ;)

  8. I was just having a conversation with someone this morning about what’s going to happen when our 3-foot snowpack melts (our warm weather starts tomorrow). Then again, people complain when it’s cold, then they complain when it warms up… it’s no wonder we fill our days in climate-controlled houses, cars, and buildings.

    On that note, here’s my combo (sorry, can’t resist being a little bit existential):
    “95% of individuals upset with lifetime of tranquility”

  9. Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on West–I like this. I’d support the movement! I hope the planned move, all the packing and the dozens of things that need either canceling/shutting off or moving to a new address, are not too overwhelming. Perhaps it’s simply about pacing, but moving is a huge job. I look forward to when you can share that it is all accomplished! Having a fine week here, Frank. Nothing too extreme, just always moving–but not my address. :-)

    • Debra,
      The unleashing of tranquility would e perfect for your blog! Because I have the time, I’ve got the lead on many of these items. Today I talked to the electric and water companies … but watched the US-Czech hockey game … however, I laid-out a blanket so I could wrap-to-pack some objects. We’re not moving for 4 weeks, so we still have plenty of time.

  10. Hope the weather betters, Frank, and the floods stay away. We need calm now.
    I like this: ‘Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on West’.
    Here’s my attempt: Local company vows to buy 33-year-old student loan debt. It sounded funnier when I thought of it…

    • Tom,
      Tomorrow’s temps are supposed to be even warmer, but with potential storms later in the day. Should be interesting to see the river levels this weekend. Meanwhile, your local company is quite involved in the community. Such a humanitarian effort!

  11. My life has been on hold these past two days as I’m not feeling well.
    I went to the doc yesterday & got antibiotics. Turns out I have a sinus infection.

    My combo: Buddhist extremist cell vows to payoff massive student loan debt with lifetime supply of condoms

  12. Frank, it’s good to see you. I feel like I’ve been gone for months. Are you moving? I just came back from Southern California where it was absolutely balmy! Summer weather. Shorts and really nice breezes. But you can send some of that rain! We need it so bad!!

    Here’s mine: Parents finally cave in to Buddhist extremist cell and buy 33-year-old son Fritz PlayStation 1.

    • Amy,
      Glad to see you make on the circuit! Yes … We are moving in mid-March … but it’s a local move of about 6 miles or so. But we’ve been in this house for 27 years, so we have our share of stuff.

      I guess you didn’t get the recent Pineapple Express. As I like to say, if an area is too cold, another is too hot. If too much rain, somewhere else it’s too dry. …. and I know that too dry isn’t good in California!

      Meanwhile, parents caving in to outside pressure usually doesn’t deliver good results.

      • Wow, 27 years Frank! That’s amazing, and I’m know that will be a very involved move. Best of luck with it.

        It’s really so dry…I’ve never seen it so dry here. I just drove up and down the state on a trip and saw it all with my eyes. It’s a dust bowl.

    • Hood,
      Busy for sure, but some of it is because we’re trying to get ahead of the game … so that stuff will payoff in the long run. Although the warm temps are temporary, I’ll take them.

  13. Sick as a dog–that’s how I am, and pissed as all get out with this winter that won’t go away which means my croup won’t go away. (I may write a blog about this if I can keep from following asleep on my computer as snot globs up my keyboard.) Sigh. Happy Birthday, by the way, my friend. I left you a happy birthday greeting on your FB page on the actual day. Best wishes!

    • E-Tom,
      Bummer on the croup sticking around like Old Man Winter. I imagine your past few days has been a welcome relief. Meanwhile, thanks for the birthday greeting … and for the scoop on FB … so I raced over to reply to all the messages … now I can go back to ignoring FB.

  14. Enjoy the warm spell while you can and I hope the flooding isn’t overwhelming. we had a few days with little to no rain, but from the looks of the clouds today the rain is back. Good luck with the move. I did that last September. um, it was, ur, fun

  15. Frank at last I am able to spend a little time upon your blog.. I have had several of your post flagged up for attention in my email box,..
    I love the humour on this post.. and this line made me chuckle~ Man upset with girlfriend changes profile picture back to truck…
    Hope to get to back track a few of your posts :-) now :-) Sue

  16. You have the winner again. It’s not easy to avoid a word like ‘condoms’ and just to prove it
    Man to have fun with girlfriend unaware upset 33-year-old son ruined supply of condoms

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