On Satire Bits: Vol. 106

Happy Hump Day to all. How’s your week going so far?

Since returning from the weekend trip, I’ve returned to my water superintendent duties for our building … which means I move hoses and sprinklers for several hours as our we and another couple in our building are assisting the builder so we can get a green grass environment … Plus, I’m trying to catch up on my blogging from the missed weekend.

Just returned from the golf course, and I was happy with my overall play tonight. Rest of the week has a variety of events scheduled, along with more watering. Then again, maybe mother nature will help out with some natural rain.

Because I haven’t given an eye update in some time, the issue still exists … but all is stable. I don’t see the retina specialist for another 5 weeks, so unless something drastic happens between now and then, it’s wait and see.

Moving on to your midweek dose of satire, as usual, the satirical headlines below are courtesy of The Onion. I’m always curious to discover when you have a favorite. For those ready to accept the extra challenge, create your own “combo” headline by using only the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Criminal prosecuted to fullest extent of budget

Meat prices skyrocket after cow smashing machine gets all beefed up

Legal Dream Team of co-workers counsel woman on strategy for speeding ticket

Friend takes liberty of ordering $40 of appetizers for entire table

Elderly man can’t wait for senility to erase lifetime of regretful memories

Each line of MasterCard billing statement evokes infuriating vacation memory

Two dozen restaurant patrons made violently ill from marriage proposal

Area idea so crazy it just might work

Snowden: NSA agents pass around nude photos

Report confirms no need to make new chairs for the time being

My Combo: Legal Dream Team prosecuted crazy cow for speeding and smashing nude elderly man in new chair

On Satire Bits: Vol. 105

Cincinnati is currently getting a second dose of abnormally wonderful weather for July. Warm and sunny days with low humidity followed by cool evening temperatures. The other day we had a record low (52 F, 11 C)! As one who doesn’t enjoy high temperatures with high humidity, I could take this all the time!!!

Reminder – Life: The Musical (Act 8) takes to the stage on Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern, US) featuring songs with Man/Men or Woman/Women in the title. Good news … the choices are many!

It appears the golf course my wife and I have been playing regularly for the past 25 years (or so) will be closing at the end of this golf season due to financial difficulties. It’s understandable and the right thing to do, yet sad and unfortunate.

The marketing folks at GEICO have another version of the Hump Day Camel for you to enjoy, but this one is specific for movie theater attendees.

In order to get you through the rest of the week, it’s time for your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Any favorites? As is normal custom here, those desiring an extra challenge can develop their own headline by using any combination from the headlines below. “My combo” is at the end

Increasingly anxious man worried order confirmation email never going to come

Karate studio hoping to get local phone number that spells Kick or Chop

Man unaware all his friends think of him when they want to put things in perspective

Last-ditch dating website asks users to check “Yes” if they have open sores

Study: More couples delaying divorce until kids old enough to remember every painful moment

New Department of Agriculture study finds 85% of US farmers woefully kicking the dirt

God’s will only thing keeping AC unit in window

Report finds more Americans putting off children until companies are ready

Conversations pretty limited when friend not in midst of crisis

Man regrets straying from sour cream and onion potato chips

My Combo: Last-ditch website hoping anxious man delays putting off children until Department of Agriculture check open sores from sour cream and onion potato chips

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 229

On Politics
Interesting how members of Congress are quick to criticize President Obama’s funding request for the Central American children at the border, yet providing zero funding solutions.

Boo to Attorney General Eric Holder acknowledging Nincompoop’s call for impeachment

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) represents a district just northwest of Cincinnati, so we much news about him. This week he had a guest column in the Cincinnati Enquirer. Not only did I not read it, I did not link it here.

Although partisan, I enjoyed this piece regarding the race for governor in Kansas, in which a current poll shows the Democratic challenger leading by 6% in a very Republican state.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Beard husks on sidewalk indicates start of hipster molting season
Man needs verbal assurance that hand stamp will get him back in
Study finds humans only animals capable of recognizing former self in mirror
Giant 6-year old devastates local ant community
Deadly super rainbow tears through West Coast
Putting ice cream in bowl momentarily considered

Interesting Reads
Columnist Dana Milbank on ADD politics
A disconnect between job requirements and worker skills
Brain Codes
General Patton motivational posters
Rise and fall of WW II’s Desert Fox
Cold Comfort: Granita

On Potpourri
Cheers to everyone for excellent participation in Life: The Musical – Act 7 (School). I hope to stage the next act in two weeks.

Friday is Nelson Mandela International Day, so I hope you watch this short tribute.

The Faraday Institute gives one-minute video to stimulate thought

I have a graduate school degree from the University of Cincinnati. A recent alumni magazine provided two sets of images readers to enjoy.

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Caviar Day, Nelson Mandela International Day, Stick Out Your Tongue Day, Cow Appreciation Day, Sidewalk Frying Day
  • (Sat) Celebration of the Horse Day, Toss Away the Could-Haves and Should-Haves Day, Hot Dog Day, Ugly Truck Day, Woodie Wagon Day, Ride a Motorcycle to Work Day
  • (Sun) Lake Superior Day, Moon Day, Ice Cream Day, Lollipop Day, Space Exploration Day, Hammock Day, Jump Day, Vanilla Ice Cream Day, Ice Cream Sundae Day, Ice Cream Soda Day, Daiquiri Day, Fortune Cookie Day, Nap Day

Another Saturday Morning Classic Cartoons is ready for Saturday!

To send you into the weekend, I’m following the theme of the latest act of Life: The Musical. Enjoy 38 Special’s Teacher, Teacher. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 103

It’s mid-week, so it’s time to check on everyone, so I hope all is well.

The weather front passing through brought us significant rain and a drastic change in weather … it’s no sunny, pleasantly warm with a touch of coolness in the breeze … amazingly, very uncharacteristic of July! … and this is true for much of the eastern half of the USA.

Lousy golf today, then again … after a good streak, I was due to have my worst round in several months. That’s OK because as I told the other three after the last hole …. lousy golf but great company.

Life: The Musical is the next post with “School” being the Act 7 theme. I expanded the word list, so song titles with the following words are acceptable: School, Teacher, Student, College, compound words beginning with school, a specific grade level (be careful). The performance starts Wednesday, 9: 30 PM (Eastern US).

The recent super moon sparked an idea for your midweek satire as I dived into The Onion’s archives searching for headlines. Any favorites? Enjoy and have a good rest of the week.

Kim Jong-Un announces plan to bring Moon to North Korea

Colorado wildfire spreads to Moon

Area mooning goes unnoticed

Footage of Neil Armstrong playing saxophone on Moon clearly a fake

Moon finally hatches

Pope announces plan to build Moon Vatican

NASA acquires Moon for Kennedy Space Center exhibit

Majority of Americans believe US already has a Moon base

North Korea celebrates as Kim Jong-Un becomes first man to walk on the Moon

Neptune uses Uranus to moon Jupiter ….  (but not from The Onion)

On Satire Bits: Vol. 102

How’s your week going? I’ve been dealing with a set of run-around tasks, but I made progress.

We were supposed to get a good dose of rain today, but who knows what happened. On the plus side, golf league went on as scheduled. It was a fun night scramble in between the end of the first half and the start of the second. We finished second, which was good considering we beat teams with more talent.

It seems I got the notifications issue corrected by clearing a box that mysteriously got checked.

Courtesy of The Onion’s archives, last week’s satire featured headlines about parenting. During my wandering through the depths of the archives, I found other interesting collections around the same theme. The first one is the graphic below, but for more, see the linking below the graphic. Do any of these readings capture your attention?

OnionParentingBook

Image from The Onion

 

Bonuses from The Onion – Any favorites in these lists?

Have a good rest of the week!

On Satire Bits: Vol. 100

Welcome to the 100th edition of Satire Bits. Nothing special, just the same old drivel.

Hope your week has gone well so far.

  • My eye vision is the same, and I’m waiting for the call to schedule my next test (and I don’t understand the delay)
  • Even with the eye problem, my golf game has been good.
  • Life: The Musical – Act 6 is the next post featuring songs with teen(s), teenager(s), teenage, or a specific teen year in the song title – Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 pm (US Eastern)

For your mid-week dose of satire, I dived into the depths of The Onion archives looking for treasures regarding the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) – a federal agency is responsible for “protecting  the public health” regarding food products, cosmetics, and medical drugs, vaccines, and medical devices. I’ve even included some with a caption below the appropriate image (all from The Onion). Any favorites? Do you have an ideas on topics for future Satire Bits? Have a good rest of the week.

FDA prepares nation for switch to digital food format

FDA approves prescription placebo

FDA reports half of Americans believe in medical conspiracy theories

FDA reports half of Americans believe in medical conspiracy theories

 

FDA and Dr. OZ clash over apple juice

FDA: Lucky Charms no longer a complete breakfast

FDA deems new drug as safe as anything can be in this crazy world

FDA official states, “Just eat the damn vegetable”

FDA official states, “Just eat the damn vegetable”

 

FDA deems human clones safe for consumption by other human clones

FDA order recall of all panther meat just to see if anyone eats panther

FDA cancels bacon recall after finding US population already at it all

FDA approves salmonella

FDA approves salmonella

 

FDA recalls all food except grapes

FDA okays every drug pending approval, takes rest of the year off

FDA call concrete breast implants “structurally sound”

FDA approves prescription placebo

FDA approves prescription placebo

 

FDA reports new sleeping pill causes dramatic weight gain and missing cats

FDA approves depressant drug for the annoyingly cheerful

FDA approves new drug for treatment of social anxiety

FDA approves new drug for treatment of social anxiety

 

 Except for the opening images, all images are from The Onion.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 97

Greetings from humid Cincinnati. The area is in an unstable air mass, so spotty storms could appear at any time … and Wednesday is supposed to be the worst day.

I had a medical scare on the golf course today. One eye suddenly went very blurry and strange. I finished the hole, and started the next hole using one eye, then because there was no change and that I hadn’t seen anything like that before, I walked off the course, Being after 5 pm, doctor offices are closed … and I wasn’t crazy about going to the emergency room. Good news is that the doctor-on-call met me at the office, she reported no internal damage, and my vision is currently close to normal. Because we don’t know what happen, tests are in my future.

Meanwhile, life goes on, which means its time for the your mid-week satire. Don’t forget the extra challenge of making your own headline by using the words from The Onion headlines below. My “combo” is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Newly engaged couple receives incredible outpouring of insincerity from family and friends

Study: Most serial killers did not receive toy every time they went to store as kids

Man deeply suspicious after insurer covers prescription without hassle

Local man unsure how he ended up with boxing entourage

McDonald’s janitor would like to thank everyone who tossed half-full cups of soda into trash

Prescription bottle recommended taking 10 tablets if you really want to fly

Area man nervously ask girlfriend if she’ll settle

Sad man tears two bananas off larger bunch

Girlfriend, girlfriend’s brother look way too much alike

Fourth-grader with shark-tooth necklace must have killed Great White

My Combo: Area janitor boxing with serial killer after insurer recommended suspicious prescription of 10 bananas