On Satire Bits: Vol. 89

Midweek greetings to you from Cincinnati. How has your week gone for you so far? All of us are transitioning seasons, but one must remember that our two hemispheres are in opposite seasons.

Spring has definitely arrived as budding and blooms are coming forth, warm has replaced cold, and the rainy days don’t bother me because I keep this past winter in my head as a reference point. Baseball has also started, golf fans will see the blooming Azaleas at Augusta during the week’s Masters, and my golf league starts next week.

After two weeks in the new home, our refrigerator finally arrived. The supplier originally set the store the wrong model, but the store offered and provided a loaner without asking! Cheers to that family-owned appliance store!

Although we completed our move, I remind myself that others are also in the process, such as Raye (@Jots), Debra (@Airports), and Georgette (@Georgette) … plus Marina (@Art by) did so a few months ago. My heart goes out to those fine people because moving is incredibly stressful!

With all that in mind, now is the perfect time for your mid-week boost of satire courtesy of The Onion. This random batch of headlines also provides a chance for the willing to create their own satirical headline from the words in the headlines below. My combo is at the end, so good luck and have a good rest of the week.

Lunchbox mostly medication

Horrified man suddenly realizes he’s putting down roots in Charlotte

Media company lays off dozens of unskilled bloggers

New study shows bones are incredibly cool

Content could be hotter, more social

Majority of office’s supplies used to apply for different job

Man moving to new city never took time to truly loathe surroundings

Newly-tenured professor now inspired to work harder than ever

Nation terrified after millions lose consciousness for 8 hours last night

Report: Girlfriend’s parents could hear everything

My Combo: Man horrified to hear media company inspired to make girlfriend’s parents incredibly cool

On Toasting April

April is here. For us in the northern hemisphere, it’s a time for showers and spring flowers. Leaves return to the barren trees and green grass emerges from its slumber. Migrating birds return to the summer home they share with year-round residence, and day and night air fills with familiar sounds that have been absent.

April is also a time for celebrations – a month to increase awareness about cancer control, Cesareans, irritable bowels, alcohol, autism, math, habitats, multiple births, heartworm, Parkinson’s, stress, pet first aid, testicular cancer, sexually transmitted diseases, DNA, genomics, & stem cells.

April is a time for month-long promotions about greyhound adoption, amateur radio, car care, welding, community spirit, home improvement, card & letter writing, facial protection, landscape architecture, safe digging, and rebuilding.

April is a month to appreciate couples, frogs, military children, decorating, holy humor, guitars, jazz, humor, kites, poetry, straw hats, and smiles.

April is a time to celebrate Food Month while cherishing culinary delights as soft pretzels, cranberries & gooseberries, grilled cheese sandwiches, BLTs, tomatillos, Asian Pears, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, pecans, and soy foods.

April celebrates Knuckles Down and provides 30 opportunities to issue a Twit Award.

April always starts with All Fools Day. I love this classic video that aired in the UK on April 1, 1957. (Start at 30 seconds) Enjoy – and good luck with finding a fool today.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 86

Unbelievably, a warm wave has bestowed itself upon Cincinnati. In order to accommodate the melting water, over the past two days I’ve chipped away at the ice blocking the water flow … and hooray … it’s moving! The rest of the week will also provide some rain … maybe even storms … so now I wonder when the flood waters will arrive. Although I’m high and dry, I grew up in a river town that flooded.

The phone has dominated my last two days with necessary conversations with movers, utilities, our accountant (it’s tax season), banks, deliveries, and others. When I’m on hold, I kill time by packing some items.

Enough of my week, how’s yours going?

For those needing a chuckle, here’s your mid-week collection of satire courtesy of The Onion. For the daring, rise to the occasion of using the information in these headlines to form a new headline. My combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

Man doesn’t need to have fun to drink

Local company now 95% interns

Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on West

Man doesn’t know how parents ever going to payoff massive student loan debt

Man upset with girlfriend changes profile picture back to truck

Parents finally cave in and buy 33-year-old son PlayStation 1

Lunch rebuilds friendship ruined at last lunch

Report: Fritz a fine name for a boy

Man confidently hits “Send” on worst job application company ever saw

Individuals unaware they constitute area man’s support network

Man unknowingly purchases lifetime supply of condoms

My Combo: Fritz the Buddhist vows tranquility with lifetime supply of condoms

On Satire Bits: Vol. 85 – The Valentine’s Edition

The cold still has a grip on the much of the northern US, thus in the battle of groundhogs, Phil’s prediction is (at the moment) looking better than Chuck’s. It has also been a week the southeastern US received another dose of ice and snow while the northwest is dealing with the aftermath from the Pineapple Express.

One last reminder – The next post marks the debut of Life: The Musical. Get your songs ready with titles that include life, living, alive, lived, or live (that rhymes with give, not five). Curtain time is 9:30 pm (Eastern US) Wednesday.

With Valentine’s Day looming large on Friday’s calendar, I rummaged around archive vaults at The Onion to find appropriate head-shakers for your mid-week dose of satire. Any favorites? Yep, I’m staying away from a combo. ;) Have a good rest of the week!

Annual Valentine’s Day stoning of happy couple held

Man born on Valentine’s Day only gets half the sex

From 123holidays.org

From 123holidays.org

Valentine’s Day coming a little early in relationship

Going out is too much hassle

Heart-shaped tub clogged again

Morning after romantic night ruined by sight of rose petals stuck to sweaty husband’s back

Romantic hostage negotiator offers bank robbers moon, stars

Girlfriend dumped after Valentine-candy-related weight gain

More vegetables evolving chocolate-sauce-filled-centers as evolutionary imperative

Romanic evening squandered on spouse

20,000 tons of pubic hair trimmed in preparation of Valentine’s Day

Onion References

On Satire Bits: Vol. 84

It’s mid-week, and as I prepare this post, Cincinnati is in the midst of receiving a dose of ice and snow. Enough! No more! Uncle!

Also at this time is the highly publicize debate at the Creation Museum. Because of the location being in the Cincinnati area, media coverage has been substantial. For the record, although the interchange between science and religion is a high-interest topic of mine, I never considered watching it online.

With Wednesday being Nutella Day, I am considering a Nutella-style Fluffernutter for lunch!

On to your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion to supply energy toward the weekend. As always, those wanting the extra challenge can make new headline by using the information below. Think about using your knowledge about parts of a sentence as nouns, adjectives, and verbs. Thinking who, what, when, where, and why also helps. It’s easy! My combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Report: Americans lead world in compressing big sandwiches so they are bitable

High school elects 45-year-old Homecoming King

Sea World forces orca to perform nude

Breaking News: Congressman walking somewhere

Shirt a far-cry from medium it once was

Man smoking e-cigarette must be futuristic bounty hunter

Male substitute teacher with ponytail cloaked in mystery

Woman unaware she’s only person on acid at James Taylor concert

Man eats last 75 meals from container or carton

Store manager impressed by new trainee’s ability to ignore customers

My Combo: E-cigarette smoking bounty hunter with ponytail compressing bitable orca sandwich from carton forces unaware  futuristic store manager to attend James Taylor concert at Sea World with nude substitute Homecoming king