On Satire Bits: Vol. 105

Cincinnati is currently getting a second dose of abnormally wonderful weather for July. Warm and sunny days with low humidity followed by cool evening temperatures. The other day we had a record low (52 F, 11 C)! As one who doesn’t enjoy high temperatures with high humidity, I could take this all the time!!!

Reminder – Life: The Musical (Act 8) takes to the stage on Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern, US) featuring songs with Man/Men or Woman/Women in the title. Good news … the choices are many!

It appears the golf course my wife and I have been playing regularly for the past 25 years (or so) will be closing at the end of this golf season due to financial difficulties. It’s understandable and the right thing to do, yet sad and unfortunate.

The marketing folks at GEICO have another version of the Hump Day Camel for you to enjoy, but this one is specific for movie theater attendees.

In order to get you through the rest of the week, it’s time for your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Any favorites? As is normal custom here, those desiring an extra challenge can develop their own headline by using any combination from the headlines below. “My combo” is at the end

Increasingly anxious man worried order confirmation email never going to come

Karate studio hoping to get local phone number that spells Kick or Chop

Man unaware all his friends think of him when they want to put things in perspective

Last-ditch dating website asks users to check “Yes” if they have open sores

Study: More couples delaying divorce until kids old enough to remember every painful moment

New Department of Agriculture study finds 85% of US farmers woefully kicking the dirt

God’s will only thing keeping AC unit in window

Report finds more Americans putting off children until companies are ready

Conversations pretty limited when friend not in midst of crisis

Man regrets straying from sour cream and onion potato chips

My Combo: Last-ditch website hoping anxious man delays putting off children until Department of Agriculture check open sores from sour cream and onion potato chips

On Satire Bits: Vol. 103

It’s mid-week, so it’s time to check on everyone, so I hope all is well.

The weather front passing through brought us significant rain and a drastic change in weather … it’s no sunny, pleasantly warm with a touch of coolness in the breeze … amazingly, very uncharacteristic of July! … and this is true for much of the eastern half of the USA.

Lousy golf today, then again … after a good streak, I was due to have my worst round in several months. That’s OK because as I told the other three after the last hole …. lousy golf but great company.

Life: The Musical is the next post with “School” being the Act 7 theme. I expanded the word list, so song titles with the following words are acceptable: School, Teacher, Student, College, compound words beginning with school, a specific grade level (be careful). The performance starts Wednesday, 9: 30 PM (Eastern US).

The recent super moon sparked an idea for your midweek satire as I dived into The Onion’s archives searching for headlines. Any favorites? Enjoy and have a good rest of the week.

Kim Jong-Un announces plan to bring Moon to North Korea

Colorado wildfire spreads to Moon

Area mooning goes unnoticed

Footage of Neil Armstrong playing saxophone on Moon clearly a fake

Moon finally hatches

Pope announces plan to build Moon Vatican

NASA acquires Moon for Kennedy Space Center exhibit

Majority of Americans believe US already has a Moon base

North Korea celebrates as Kim Jong-Un becomes first man to walk on the Moon

Neptune uses Uranus to moon Jupiter ….  (but not from The Onion)

On Satire Bits: Vol. 99

Hey hey hey …. it’s mid-week, thus another day closer to the weekend! Hope your week has gone well.

The eye remains unchanged. Tuesday I met with my primary physician, and she recommended I take the tests the retina specialist recommended, so I will start the process for scheduling an MRI on Wednesday. Meanwhile, I’m getting used to the blur, so my golf game is improving.

Monday night we had a free riverboat cruise on the Ohio River. Many were on the boat, plus it was hot … but once the boat moved and the sun got behind the hill, the evening was wonderful. For those who want to see, there are some pics in this past post.

Time for the mid-week dose of satire from The Onion … as well as the extra challenge of forming your own headline from the words in the headlines below. “My combo” is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Man terrified to realize he could easily go on like this

Guy just trying on t-shirt in middle of store

NYPD offering no-questions-asked DVD drop-off

Deep down, area man knows he’s not done vomiting

Study links drinking while pregnant to being at Kid Rock Concert

More office workers switching to fetal position desks

Report: Half of Americans showed have thought of that before opening their mouth

World’s supercomputers release study confirming they are not powerful enough

Man honestly thinks he’s going to get to bed early

Investigation of what fell off night stand postponed till morning

My Combo: Office worker honestly terrified he could get pregnant vomiting on Kid Rock

On Satire Bits: Vol. 93

How has your week gone so far? I have various preparations to do in advance of upcoming projects around the new residence. With that in mind, we hope to reach an important milestone by week’s end that will lead us toward final completion of an area next week.

The streak of wonderful weather is great for golf. Too bad my game this week was not even close to the weather. Oh well … that’s golf … but hopefully I’ll be better next week.

Time for the mid-week collection of humor. As always, for those desiring an extra challenge, reshuffle any of the words below to develop a new headline. My “combo” is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

US currency finally archives universal suffrage

Increasing number of men pressured to accept realistic standards of female beauty

Woman tragically succumbs to natural hair color

Smooth operator also operates forklift

Married couple staying together for the sake of US divorce rate

Physician shoots off a few Adderall prescriptions to improve Yelp rating

New employee finally around long enough to be deemed incompetent

Couple keeps it interesting by bickering in different positions, rooms

Doctor recall average-looking sibling who inspired him to go into cosmetic surgery

Man trying to get out of executioner duty

My Combo: Executioner pressured to operate forklift

On Satire Bits: Vol. 84

It’s mid-week, and as I prepare this post, Cincinnati is in the midst of receiving a dose of ice and snow. Enough! No more! Uncle!

Also at this time is the highly publicize debate at the Creation Museum. Because of the location being in the Cincinnati area, media coverage has been substantial. For the record, although the interchange between science and religion is a high-interest topic of mine, I never considered watching it online.

With Wednesday being Nutella Day, I am considering a Nutella-style Fluffernutter for lunch!

On to your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion to supply energy toward the weekend. As always, those wanting the extra challenge can make new headline by using the information below. Think about using your knowledge about parts of a sentence as nouns, adjectives, and verbs. Thinking who, what, when, where, and why also helps. It’s easy! My combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Report: Americans lead world in compressing big sandwiches so they are bitable

High school elects 45-year-old Homecoming King

Sea World forces orca to perform nude

Breaking News: Congressman walking somewhere

Shirt a far-cry from medium it once was

Man smoking e-cigarette must be futuristic bounty hunter

Male substitute teacher with ponytail cloaked in mystery

Woman unaware she’s only person on acid at James Taylor concert

Man eats last 75 meals from container or carton

Store manager impressed by new trainee’s ability to ignore customers

My Combo: E-cigarette smoking bounty hunter with ponytail compressing bitable orca sandwich from carton forces unaware  futuristic store manager to attend James Taylor concert at Sea World with nude substitute Homecoming king

On Satire Bits: Vol. 82

Sometimes coinciding, serendipitous events seem too good to be true.

First of all, it’s time for a Satire Bits post. Secondly, January is Polka Music Month. Thirdly, January 23 is the anniversary of Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI (in 1719) issuing a decree forming Liechtenstein. So let’s start the mid-week energy boost by imagining Guapo, Bulldog, and GingerFightBack wearing lederhosen while leading everyone in song and dance to the Liechtensteiner Polka. Any ladies want to volunteering wearing Bavarian Dirndl for the occasion? Who knows how to dance to a polka?

Celebration Alert:For fearing nothing to celebrate today, Wednesday is Blonde Brownie Day and Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day!

How has your week been so far? Besides getting hit with more snow, I’ve been hit with a dose of the frazzles, but I’m confident that all will be fine.

A reminder that Time: The Musical is scheduled as a prologue. Do you have a special song associated with a special moment? Well now … that may come in handy. If not, there could be other options. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 PM (Eastern USA).

Let’s move on to your mid-week dose of satire courtesy of The Onion. Any favorites? There’s also the challenge of developing your very own satirical headline by using the information from the headlines below. My combo is at the end. Enjoy … and have a good rest of the week.

Anonymous source tells reporters he is tired of being Speaker of the House

Five-year-old reluctantly lets crying mom sleep in his bed again

Unclear if fountain is the type allowed to run around in

Police deploys fancy-clothed cop

CEO worked way up from Son of CEO

Scientists teach sign language to gorilla-suit-wearing man

Enzyme humbled to have played part in successful biochemical reaction

Airline part of something called Star Alliance

27-year-old lies about every single aspect of his life to keep parents from worrying

Fun-loving, laid-back woman with a bit of a nerdy side joins online dating service

My Combo: Laid-back anonymous CEO wearing gorilla suit crying after he joins 27-year-old fancy-clothed, anonymous cop in bed

On Satire Bits: Vol. 81

We’ve reached the middle of the week, how was the start of your week?

With the recent house news, mine has been a whirlwind, thus causing me to be late with this post. Because the rest of the week will be full of must-do-now items as interviewing movers, dealing with inspections, securing a bank loan, and normal aspects of life, I will skip a post – thus return with Friday’s Opinions in the Shorts.

Let’s move on to your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Which of these gave you the best chuckle? For that extra challenge, use the words in the headlines below to make a new headline that is uniquely yours. Mine is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Fanatically devoted nerd could potentially turn on Simon Pegg at any moment

High school freshman thinks Romeo and Juliet might be her favorite play

Intern strikes relationship with least-respected employee

Family watches in silence as dad checks out waitress

Man points out town where he threw up

Fish at pretty good place in life right now

Extremely vibrant town capable of supporting two Buffalo Wild Wings

Woman puts Cool Whip containers to every conceivable use

Area man admits being chocoholic but for booze

Neighborhood children gear up for highly anticipated opening of gerbil’s tomb

Internet collapses under sheer weight of baby pictures

Entire office clamoring to be introduced to co-worker’s parents

My Combo: Romeo puts Cool Whip on Juliet