On Satire Bits: Vol. 110

How’s your week gone so far?

With today being a dreary day in Cincinnati, I decided to start my quest of dedicating as much of one day as possible to writing. So, hey … I now have some posts already in the queue!

No golf league in my schedule means I get an extra evening at home. But, that also means I will prepare dinner. My wife had to leave quickly this evening, so I kept it simple – spaghetti with a personally made meat sauce with Italian sausage, onions, fennel seed, basil, red wine, and tomatoes – and then top the plate with crumbled feta cheese.

A reminder that the next act of Life: The Musical goes live Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US). Because we know life is more than work, Play (as in having fun) is the theme, so get your songs reading with any of the following in the title: Play, Playing, Fun, or a fun activity (such as swimming). The producer is worried about this one, so good luck.

It’s time for that mid-week boost of satire to give you a burst toward the weekend. You also have a chance to create your own, original satirical headline by using the words in the headlines below the image. Have a good rest of the week.

Going-out-of-business sign thanks neighborhood for 3 months of no support whatsoever

More couples using wedding drones to film nuptials

Entirety of man’s personal data protected by reference to third season of West Wing

Homosexuality only thing parent can accept about son

Employer totally botches job interview

New law requires welfare recipients to submit sweat to prove how they are looking for a job

Wife already knows the one thing she’ll say that can never be taken back

Drug company releases new drug to treat people who feel sort of weird sometimes

New Kindle helps readers show off by shouting title of book loudly and repeatedly

Groundbreaking young adult novel features protagonist who’s a bit of a loner

My Combo: Loner wife helps drug company treat wedding couples with no drugs

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 235

On Politics
With a third of the US Senate up for re-election,there is a consistency that makes me chuckle. Republicans are linking their Democratic opponents to President Obama. That means elect me to a 6-year term because the President Obama has 2 years remaining.

Earlier this week I saw my first TV ad for Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in which he didn’t mention President Obama.

Despite the fact that Congress has lower approval rating than President Obama, the majority of the incumbents will win re-election.

This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Olympic swimmer Phelps banned from having any contact with water for 6 months
Man wishes there wasn’t so much blank room on anniversary card
Local oaf not sure which part of counter to place order
Documentary viewer can’t wait to find out which 4 lads from Liverpool changed music forever
Serial killer makes an impassioned case for protecting local marsh
Nation’s cuckolded husbands gear up for first day of hunting season with wives’ lovers

The Onion’s list of must-watch fall TV shows includes Lamp Wars, Dance Baboons, and Pumpkin Patch Pickers.

Interesting Reads
Creationism’s disjointed science
An interview with Mikahil Gorbachev
Hummingbird madness
Improve wasting time
Herbert Hoover and the Colorado River

On Potpourri
A tip of the cap to the New England Patriots for generosity. During a commercial break, the team showed a video of Leah Still, the young daughter of a player on the opposing team with a rate cancer. Following the video, the crowd cheered, the Patriot cheerleaders were Still’s #75, and the Patriot owner donated $25,000 to Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. Interestingly, the Cincinnati Bengals can’t keep up on stocking #75 jerseys as 100% of sales go to a Cincinnati Children’s Hospital and pediatric cancer care and research. Yes … like many, Devon Still (the player and father) shed tears on the sidelines.

Speaking of Cincinnati, I’ve set our DVR as Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on Food Network features my city in a new episode. Check your listings, but the first airing of the “One Street Wonders” episode is Friday night at 10 pm (Eastern US). Here’s a link to the episode schedule at Food Network.

I really like the Delta Airline commercial titled No Bag Left Behind. For those who haven’t seen it, click here.

Leaves are starting to turn, then make their way to the ground; which means this will be my year (since 1987) when I’m not on a twice-a-week 6-to-8-week mission of dealing with fallen leaves. … so NO … I’m not going to miss that!

I had a great view to watch Wednesday morning’s lunar eclipse. But after the moon was completely in the shadow, it ducked behind a tree.

I’ll have another attempt for Life: The Musical next week … well, as long as I remember to announce the acceptable words on Monday for the Play theme.

Hey hey hey … a Saturday Morning Cartoon post will be there for your Saturday.

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Handbag Day, Egg Day, Mental Health Day, Emergency Nurses Day, Newspaper Carrier, Porridge Day, Homeless Day, Angel Food Cake Day
  • (Sat) Coming Out Day, Costume Swap Day, Family Bowling Day, Southern Food Heritage Day, Music Day, Food Truck Day, Sausage Pizza Day, It’s My Party Day, You Go Girl Day
  • (Sun) Frustration Scream Day, Scream & Shout Day, Day of the Six Billion, Clergy Appreciation Day, Free Thought Day

To send you into the weekend, here’s a classic hit. Interestingly, it was part of an LP released in 1972 on the Wooden Nickel record label. Oh, of course, it must be Lady by Styx. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 109

I don’t know about you, but this week hasn’t gone as planned … not even close. Oh well, it happens. I initially planned the next act of Life: The Musical, but I didn’t provide the criteria on Monday. Once again, it happens – so I’ll push that into next week with hopes of remembering on Monday. That’s just an example of my blog life, but the first two days have been a bit more hectic than I planned. Oh well, it happens.

Enough of my week, how’s yours going so far?

On to your dose of mid-week satire to provide some humor to propel you toward the weekend. Below are headlines from The Onion. Is there one that you find the most humorous? For those wanting more of a challenge, try forming your own original headline with the words in the headlines below the pic. My combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

New Toyota “Driver Easy Speak” feature helps parents yell at children in back of car

Guy in front of you ordering for entire construction crew

Grandpa looking absolutely precious in new baseball cap

Nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at amusement park

Doctors say average heart attack victim doesn’t clutch at chest nearly dramatically enough

Area man somewhat disturbed to think perfect woman for him out there somewhere

Study finds college still more worthwhile than spending 4 years chained to radiator

Open-minded man willing to look past Jennifer Lawrence’s flaws

New study finds running 20 minutes each day could add years of soreness to life

Man hates being in position to think, feel, and act

My Combo: Jennifer Lawrence find 20 minutes to think, feel, and act like grandpa

On Satire Bits: Vol. 108

Depending when you read this, it’s either the last of September or the beginning of October – nonetheless, I say Hello October!

Being a new month you may have been expecting my toast to October,  but come on now … interrupt your mid-week dose of satire? But never fear, the October post is next.

My golf league is official over. It was a bit sad for me because today was our last night ever because the course that I’ve played for over 20 years is closing. Good news is that my partner and I are Second Half Champions, plus I think I also won an individual honor. Considering that my wife won her league, we are the House of Champions!

Reminder to all that I have a blog party on the docket for this weekend. The post will go live sometime after midnight Saturday (Eastern US) for the European morning, the Aussies and Kiwis lunch, and everyone else in between or earlier. I only host these when the occasion warrants, so hopefully my regulars will not only drop by, but hey … your friends are welcome.

Because it’s Astronomy Week, I dived into the deep, dark bowels of The Onion’s archives to find astronomy-related satire. Any favorites among these? For those wanting the combo challenge, make your own headline from the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Astronomers discover massive asteroid that could wipe out life on Earth, force Nordstrom out of business

Astronomers admit making up Neptune

NASA to send Earth into space

Astronomer discovers black hole at center of own marriage

Intelligent, condescending life found in distant galaxy

Study finds Earth located in lamest part of universe

Mean scientists dash hopes for life on Mars

Astronomers say Earth’s overpopulated crisis will soon be solved by heroic meteor

Chicken-shit asteroid veers away at last minute

Extraterrestrial nerds contact Earth

Hubble Kaleidoscope finds evidence of space looking all crazy (Image below)

My Combo: Extraterrestrial discovers condescending life on Earth 

Image from The Onion

Image from The Onion

Opinions in the Short: Vol. 233

On Politics
Cheers to Congress for not doing something stupid this week … so not being in session is helpful.

As an independent with a small streak of Libertarianism, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) has the knack of getting my attention … then causing me to shake my head after he keeps talking.

Because Cincinnati borders Kentucky, we (in Ohio) get our share of news about Kentucky, including political ads for their contested Senate race. My anti-McConnell readers will appreciate this TV ad.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Police satisfied after drunk man assures them there’s no problem
7.1 billion demonstrate in favor of global warming
Teacher who learns more from her students than she teaches them fired
Johnson & Johnson hoping brand won’t be tarnished if they dip into lethal injection game
Too late now to switch from checkout lane with talkative cashier
NASA administrator resigns after leak of offensive anti-moon email

Interesting Reads
Why bitter makes food better
Germany’s renewable energy investment
An interactive: 100 legacies from World War I that continue to shape our lives today
George Schultz’s perspective about progress in America
Porcupine sex

On Potpourri
Our local pro football team (Cincinnati Bengals) made national news in early September when they kept a player who should have been cut. The player, Devon Still, had more important things on his mind as his 4-year-old daughter is battling stage 4 cancer … and by keeping the player on the roster, the family receives medical insurance. The Bengals also started a fund-raising effort by donating 100% of the sales of his jersey (#75) to a children’s cancer fund. To date, people across the country have bought over 1,000 jerseys … and at $100 each, that’s over $1 million dollars raised so far. By the way, the young girl had surgery on Thursday (yesterday), the same day Cyndi Lauper and Sara Bareilles released the Truly Brave video to raise money for the fight against pediatric cancer .. and yes, the young Miss Still is in the video.

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Here’s an interesting graph, which is in the article above about Germany.

From the US Dept of Energy as published in the Wall Street Journal

From the US Dept of Energy as published in the Wall Street Journal

I’m bummed because Sharna’s partner was booted from Dancing with the Stars this week.

For golf fans, it’s Ryder Cup weekend! Wow … the Europeans are very strong.

Hooray … the last day of the regular baseball regular season ends Sunday, thus no more misery for Reds fans

There will be a Saturday Morning Cartoon post for your Saturday!

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Hug a Vegetarian Day, Love Note Day, Shamu the Whale Day, Save the Koala Day, Native American Day, Pancake Day, Johnny Appleseed Day
  • (Sat) Goose Day, Ancestor Appreciation Day, Rabbit Day, Family Health & Fitness Day, Fish Amnesty Day, Gay Men’s HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Kids Day, Hunting & Fishing Day, Museum Day, Public Lands Day, Tourism Day, Sport Purple for Platelets Day, Rabies Awareness Day, Crush a Can Day, Chocolate Milk Day, Corned Beef Hash Day
  • (Sun) Fish Tank Floorshow Night, Drink Beer Day, Good Neighbor Day, Right to Know Day, World Heart Day, Gone-ta-Pott Day, Ask a Stupid Question Day, Marshmallow Twisters Day, Strawberry Cream Pie Day

To send you into the weekend, here’s a hit from 1971 by a Canadian band. Enjoy One Fine Morning by Lighthouse, and I hope this weekend brings you three fine mornings. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 107

Heeeeee Haw …. it’s the first mid-week dose of satire since returning from the blogging break!

Hope your week has gone well so far. Something odd happened to me on Monday. I was out and about during lunch, so thought I’d stop by Taco Bell for something fast. After ordering two items and a small drink, the clerk asked for $2.58 while handing me a small cup for my drink. Quick math told me that wasn’t right, but I obliged … then looked at the bill to see “Senior Drink $0.00″.

Cincinnati weather has been fabulous of late, which is great because our golf league is one of the few still playing. Both my partner and I played well Tuesday, so it will be interesting to see the standings going into next week’s finale.

Below the image is your dose of mid-week satire to deliver a mid-week boost toward the weekend. Which is your favorite? For that extra challenge, make your original headline by using the words below to make a new combination. It’s easy … focus on the nouns and verbs to get you started. My combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee to the Sun

Police department reduces cost by using same evidence for every investigation

Man confused by compliment from person whose career he can’t help

Person who will embalm you walking around out there

Voters clamoring to know if female political candidate a mother first

Man concerned he spread himself too thin between eating sandwich, watching television

Man in elevator in on conversation now

Man’s anxiety not about to let depression muscle in on turf

Area man knows exactly which relatives would be problem if he ever came into money

Roommates still don’t know each well enough to not speak

My Combo: Chimp plans to embalm political candidate who plans to launch mother in elevator to reduce costs

On Satire Bits: Vol. 106

Happy Hump Day to all. How’s your week going so far?

Since returning from the weekend trip, I’ve returned to my water superintendent duties for our building … which means I move hoses and sprinklers for several hours as our we and another couple in our building are assisting the builder so we can get a green grass environment … Plus, I’m trying to catch up on my blogging from the missed weekend.

Just returned from the golf course, and I was happy with my overall play tonight. Rest of the week has a variety of events scheduled, along with more watering. Then again, maybe mother nature will help out with some natural rain.

Because I haven’t given an eye update in some time, the issue still exists … but all is stable. I don’t see the retina specialist for another 5 weeks, so unless something drastic happens between now and then, it’s wait and see.

Moving on to your midweek dose of satire, as usual, the satirical headlines below are courtesy of The Onion. I’m always curious to discover when you have a favorite. For those ready to accept the extra challenge, create your own “combo” headline by using only the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Criminal prosecuted to fullest extent of budget

Meat prices skyrocket after cow smashing machine gets all beefed up

Legal Dream Team of co-workers counsel woman on strategy for speeding ticket

Friend takes liberty of ordering $40 of appetizers for entire table

Elderly man can’t wait for senility to erase lifetime of regretful memories

Each line of MasterCard billing statement evokes infuriating vacation memory

Two dozen restaurant patrons made violently ill from marriage proposal

Area idea so crazy it just might work

Snowden: NSA agents pass around nude photos

Report confirms no need to make new chairs for the time being

My Combo: Legal Dream Team prosecuted crazy cow for speeding and smashing nude elderly man in new chair