On Satire Bits: Vol. 56

How has your week?

As storms pounded the central US this week, I recall this conversation with a long-time friend. He lives near Oklahoma City, so he deals with his share of tornadoes. I asked him if he ever gets used to them, and he strongly replied, “Never!”

I’ve had a busy week doing some needed things around the house. I a run-around as trying to fix my weed whacker is taking too much time. Toss in mediocre golf and only being able to visit a few bloggers, YUK!

In other words, I need a midweek dose of satire to energize the rest of the week. Which is your favorite? For those desiring to try your own combo, use the information for the headlines below (and only that information) to make a new headline. My combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

Freezing coatless woman has decided it is spring

Physicists confirm they have found and killed the God Particle

Amputee inspires others not to lose limbs

Jessica Simpson goes on tour to promote the novel she read

Mom hasn’t ordered favorite pizza topping in over a decade

Stars of cancelled show terrified fans will raise money for movie

Website’s new layout feels like deepest betrayal

Old refrigerator unable to control when it releases water

South Carolina defends right to fly Hardee’s flag from state capitol

Man wishes computer could do thing it already can do

Course sponge excited to join Smith family dishwashing team

Report: Saxophone still an OK vehicle for self-expression

My Combo: Jessica Simpson inspires fans by finding God Particle in Saxophone

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On Satire Bits: Vol. 55

After the cool weekend, the first part of the week has been wonderful weather. It appears one more day is possible before the rain clouds move back into the area – which also means get some yard work done!

The classic video of Lucy and the chocolates on the conveyor belt was a big hit. After others commented on the upcoming chocolate and wine event, I decided to declare this week as Chocolate and Wine Week. If you noticed, yesterday was a wine post.

For your midweek dose of satire, I searched The Onion’s archives for past headlines involving chocolate … and a bonus video. Any favorites?

20 idiots evacuated from Times Square M&M’s store

Half of sleeve of Oreos lost in house fire

More Vegetables evolving chocolate-sauce-filled centers as evolutionary imperative

Local resident like a chocoholic, but for booze

Ozzy Osbourne bites head off five-pound chocolate rabbit

Report: Double-stuffed Oreos could raise tolerance to stuff

Blood thirty, undead ghoul advocates chocolate-cereal consumption

Hershey ordered to pay obese Americans $135 billion

U.N. orders Wonka to submit to chocolate factory inspections

Chocolate pudding futures up $2 per barrel

Praise the Lord … and pass the chocolate

……

Chocolate and Wine Week continues tomorrow. Meanwhile, here’s a special video for chocolate lovers.

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On Satire Bits: Vol. 54

How’s your week going so far? I’ve got a lot of little things on my plate, so my visits are limited … and I don’t see much changing the rest of the week.

Tuesday night was golf night. Although my wife told me that it was one of her worst games in some time, I had a good one – which was a good bounce-back from last week’s horrible round.

On to the mid-week dose of satire. Do you have any favorites? Can you develop your own headline using any combination of the info below? My combination is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Barber just latest in string of humans to find interest in what area man says

Boyfriend forced to express second-hand outrage

Battle of wits with unwieldly burrito nears thrilling end game

Mother considers son “Quite the little Cassanova”

No one in gang has heart to tell his police informant his cover’s blown

Mom calmly emptying dishwasher as if big argument didn’t happen 10 minutes ago

Rigorous battery of tests unable to determine if roommate broke up with girlfriend

Company immediately calls job applicant upon seeing “BA in Communications” on resume

Boyfriend forced to express secondhand outrage

Attorney friends catch up while briskly walking down courthouse steps

Bizarre assemblage of shapes visible through area man’s pockets

Evidence piling up Mom slept with one of her college professors

My Combo: Bizarre girlfriend unable to determine unwieldly burrito in boyfriend’s pockets

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On Satire Bits: Vol. 53

It’s mid-week and I just came off a lousy round on the golf course. On the plus side, the weather and the company were wonderful.

How’s your first part of your week going? Hopefully, this boost of satire will send you toward the weekend with positive vibes. Any favorites?

For those wanting the extra challenge, use the information in these headlines (and only these headlines) to form your new combination headline. Have a good rest of the week.

Company lacks manpower to complete latest round of layoffs

Area man panics after “liking” 381 of his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook photos

Website humiliates itself

Talk of crackers makes local thirsty

Report: Chinese third-graders falling behind US high school students in science and math

Inspirational teacher cancelled out by every other teacher at school

Retired pope vows to continue drawing “Papalpuss” comic strip

Community mourns death of beloved drunk driver

Danica Patrick flood with fan mail from nation’s inspired girl

Nostalgic warden has seen 3 generations of family come through the prison

Obnoxious friend won’t stop attaining major life milestones

Child who just lost balloon begins lifelong battle with depression

My Combo: Retired Pope vows to talk crackers with Danica Patrick

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Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 179

On Politics
The Boston bombing occurred on a Monday, so many thanks to the Washington jackwagons for politicizing the event by the end of the week.

Regarding gun purchases, if extending background checks infringes on the Second Amendment, why aren’t Republicans calling for a repeal of any gun registration?

With part of the talk about immigration focuses on securing the border, I ask this important question: Besides saying something stupid as repealing Obamacare, what’s the plan for paying to secure the border?

Although I wasn’t one of President GW Bush’s big supporters, the people showing up as protesters at the dedication of his presidential library have too much time on their hands.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Breaking News: No breaking news
Area man now checks inside boat in driveway every morning
Man purchasing pair of red pants better be ready to put up or shut up
High school students line up for School Oil Portrait Day
Breaking News: Still nothing

Interesting Reads
Legal questions and the Boston bomber
Islam and Internet Islam
The politics of paranoia
Conversing with the ill
Pig Latin variations
Oregon Pinot Noirs

On Potpourri
I hope the insurance company gives David Henneberry a new boat. Nothing fancy, just a suitable replacement.

BuddahKat is a fractal artist. In her A-to-Z Challenge post, I adore U for Umbrella on this recent post. Give her a visit and tell her I sent you.

This past Wednesday was a great day: Free tickets to a Reds game, free food, two free adult beverages, and a Reds win. On the down side was a 90-minute rain delay and cool weather.

The Reds and a local pizza chain have a promotion for every home game. If Reds pitchers strikeout 11 or more opponents, fans in attendance have one week to get a free small pizza – which has cost the pizza family over $100,000 in the first 16 home games, but 65 games remain.

This week I discovered an interesting under $10 red wine – Cocobon – and the hint of chocolate is just enough!

There will be a Classic Saturday Morning Cartoon feature this weekend.

Because many readers enjoyed the Wayne Brady clip to start the week, here’s another clip from that great improve show to send you into the weekend. Have a good weekend! In the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

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