On Satire Bits: Vol. 96

How’s your week going so far? The long weekend helped put my blogging endeavors behind schedule. Then there is the continually challenges at the new address. Oh well … stuff happens.

After a delightful weekend, high humidity has arrived. YUK! I hate it … but it’s still better than this past winter. Meanwhile, my golf game is steady, plus  handbell season ends in two weeks.

Dive into the extra challenge by using the words in the headlines below to form your own original headline. ‘My Combo” is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Brutally honest new Revlon campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are

Music in bar could stand to be louder, worse

Tiger always checked-out at local zoo

NASA discovers that Earth might be what its been searching for all along

Deeply held conviction dropped after friend half-heartedly disagrees

James Cameron says future of movies will be watching them from his lap

Woman a leading authority on what shouldn’t be in poor people’s grocery cart

Report: Average American has just about 28% of what it takes

Bus rider acting like fight not happening four feet away

Wedding DJ assures anxious man he hasn’t forgotten “Build Me Up Buttercup” request

My Combo: At local bar with loud music, brutally honest James Cameron requests “Build Me Up Buttercup” and half-heartedly checked-out leading woman for his movies from his lap

On Satire Bits: Vol. 95

In the words of Fat Albert, “Hey, Hey, Hey … It’s Hump Day!”

Hope your week is off to a good start. I just returned from golf league, where I had my steady game tonight – so it’s always good to score well.

Reminder, that the next post is Act 4, Life: The Musical featuring song titles that include young, youth, kids, child, or children. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern, US) … so get your songs ready.

Below is your mid-week dose of satire courtesy of The Onion. As always, those desiring a challenge can develop a new headline by using the words in the headlines below. My “combo’ is at the end.

Enjoy and have a good rest of the week.

Nation’s limo drivers spend magical prom night playing scratch-off lottery tickets in parking lot

Activists release horrifying video showing how meat products are eaten

Poll finds only 83% of New Yorkers visit Statue of Liberty every day

Food Network star realizes police immediately look for body in giant pile of mashed potatoes

Small business still manages to mistreat workers like large corporate chain

Fan on jumbotron waits until last second to wave

Take-out bag feels light

Mom packs encouraging note in own lunch

Unemployed man vows to get up early, finish watching movie

Carlos Santana surprises wife with coupon for free 45-minute guitar solo

My Combo: For magical night, Carlos Santana vows guitar solo on jumbotron to wife for encouraging unemployed small man to spend night in giant pile of take-out mash potatoes

On Satire Bits: Vol. 92

Storms rolled across the central US earlier this week, so rain came to Cincinnati -but at least we avoided the severe weather. I recently heard a report that more tornadoes occur in the US than any other country. Did you know that?

I hope your week has gone well so far. Errands, mostly move related, continue to dominate my to-do list. Interestingly, my post for yesterday wasn’t ready, and hooray … I didn’t panic! Meanwhile, the next post is Life: The Musical, with Act 3 featuring songs with first names in the title … so get your songs ready as curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 PM (Eastern US).

Your mid-week satire is below, so hopefully something will give you a chuckle. Do you have a favorite? For that extra challenge, make your own headline from the words in the headlines below. My combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Elite congressman trained to kill legislation in 24 different ways

Expressing deeply held political opinion referred to a “gaffe”

Neighborhood much safer since mayor vanquished fire troll

Area man’s emotional state completely dependent on outcome of sporting event

Study: Exposing yourself in produce section still frowned upon by society

American obesity traced to one heavy-set Mayflower passenger

Unclear if grandma just friends with 81-year old widower

Humans display highest cognitive abilities when trying to retrieve object dropped between car seats

Study find Earth located in lamest part of universe

All of man’s time-wasting websites exhausted before lunch

My Combo: Lamest congressman exposes fire troll

On Satire Bits: Vol. 91

Warm weather is upon us, thus it’s time for golf league to start. Of course, we were supposed to start last week, but the league secretary graciously postpone the start due to miserable weather. How’s the weather been in your area?

How’s your week going so far? An interesting thing happened to me at this week’s handbell rehearsal. Since January, I have been playing some of the large bass bells. Keep in mind that handbells are made of brass – thus one of the bells I play on one song weighs 8.25 pounds (3.7 kg). One has to be careful, but I think it caused a mild hyperextension of my elbow.

The hyperextension and the start of golf league isn’t the best timing. As I always do before playing, I took some time on the practice range …. and to my surprise the elbow didn’t bother me, thus I played without any problems. The elbow area remains tender, so time will tell if it heals enough to be able to play this Sunday. Believe me – swinging a heavy piece of brass is much different that swinging a golf club.

Let’s move on our midweek-dose of satire courtesy of The Onion. Any favorites below? Don’t forget the extra challenge of making your own satirical headline by reusing the words in the headlines below. My combo is at the end. Enjoy and have a good rest of the week.

Coworkers currently G-chatting about you

Man spends weekend binge-watching neighbor

Study: More children growing up in single-parrot households

So-called Christian has erection

Report: Only 20 minutes until introverted man gets to leave party

Area mother doesn’t see why Thai people need to make food so spicy

McDonald’s now offering bereavement prices

Expectant parents throw some values together at the last minute

Dog held against will inside Skype window

Imperial inspector to arrive by railcar this afternoon

My Combo: Neighbor spends 20 minutes watching McDonald’s erection

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 213

On Politics
The fact that President Obama and House Speak John Boehner met this week is a good thing. The fact that they haven’t met in 14 months is not.

Although Congressional Republicans have been outwardly obstinate, I wonder if Congressional Democrats have also been quietly obstinate.

Given the odds are high for overreach, maybe it’s a good idea that one party doesn’t control Capitol Hill and the White House.

Comments by rocker Ted Nugent about President Obama are an example of one of the downsides of today’s information highway. As many elected Republican shrugged their shoulders and danced around the situation, cheers to Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), and several others for stepping to say Nugent was out of line.

For those waiting on the edge of your seat with high anticipation, please relax because Nincompoop will not seek the 2016 Republican presidential nomination for one reason – a loss would damage her brand.

I enjoy listening to Michael Smerconish on an XM radio political channel (124). Coming soon – He will have a new, Saturday morning show on CNN (I believe starting next weekend).

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
American Airlines to phase out complimentary cabin pressurization
Man who keeps keys on carabineer must rappel into office building every morning
Self-conscious flasher fully clothed under trench coat
Fourth-grader named Jackson to fire you someday
Report: Local gas station would not be hard to rob

Bonus Onions
Worst selling frozen dinners
Dogs who know fun

Interesting Reads
FBI and Osama bin Laden
The Smithsonian writes about the Monument Men
How a trust can reduce taxes
Interesting thoughts about the study of economics
Interesting images of sand art
Interesting graphic about crossbows

On Potpourri
Barbeque lovers know that macaroni and cheese is a great accompaniment. Chef Michael Symon takes it to the next level with this recipe. I haven’t tried it, but I delivered an OMG when I saw him make this.

WLWT is a long-time Cincinnati television station. This commercial for them caught my attention, and it’s a good way to you to see scenes of my city, including my beloved Skyline Chili – but I’m not sure the two kids are eating Graeter’s ice cream.

Saturday is a new month, so I hope to put month-long celebrations in the next Monday Morning Entertainment. After all, I still want you informed.

Jim Lange, former host of the original Dating Game, passed away this week. Here’s a list of star-to-be that appeared on the show: Karen Carpenter, Steve Martin, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, John Ritter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Andy Kaufman, and Suzanne Somers. Does anyone remember the episode when comedian Don Rickles stood in for a shy girl to select here date? Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXzu8qgkINs

Here are your weekend celebrations (Wow … there are many!)

  • (Weekend) Snowshoe Days
  • (Fri) National Chili Day, Public Sleeping Day, Floral Design Day, DNA Day, Pockets Day, Car Keys and Small Change Day, Read Me Day, Tooth Fairy Day, Chocolate Soufflé Day, Rare Disease Day
  • (Sat) Beer Day, Bachelor’s Day, Underling’s Day, Go Bowling Day, Wear Yellow Day (for endometriosis awareness), Horse Protection Day, Peanut Lovers Day, Pig Day, Plan a Solo Vacation Day, Retire but Not Retired Day, Share a Smile Day, Compliment Day, Sock Monkey Day, Days of the Seals, Self-Injury Awareness Day, Holy Experiment Day,
  • (Sun) Banana Cream Pie Day, Daughters’ and Sons’ Day, Pyramid Day, Old Stuff Day, Dr. Seuss Day, Book Day, Silly Putty Day, Babysitter Safety Day, Cat-in-the-Hat Day, Frozen Food Day

This past week was very difficult, but at least I made it to Friday. The project is finished, and I made progress in terms of packing.

Over the past few weeks, I haven’t written or visited others, as I prefer to do. I thought cutting back to three posts per week would help more than it did. With that in mind, common sense tells me that I have to step away from blogging even more until after the move. Knowing that I will have a difficult time doing that, I will soon temporarily fade into the abyss …BUT … I hope to put together some timed short posts to keep you entertained during my absence.

Earlier this week we learned of the passing of actor Harold Ramis – and to me, this fun song from one of his movies is perfect to send everyone into the weekend. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 86

Unbelievably, a warm wave has bestowed itself upon Cincinnati. In order to accommodate the melting water, over the past two days I’ve chipped away at the ice blocking the water flow … and hooray … it’s moving! The rest of the week will also provide some rain … maybe even storms … so now I wonder when the flood waters will arrive. Although I’m high and dry, I grew up in a river town that flooded.

The phone has dominated my last two days with necessary conversations with movers, utilities, our accountant (it’s tax season), banks, deliveries, and others. When I’m on hold, I kill time by packing some items.

Enough of my week, how’s yours going?

For those needing a chuckle, here’s your mid-week collection of satire courtesy of The Onion. For the daring, rise to the occasion of using the information in these headlines to form a new headline. My combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

Man doesn’t need to have fun to drink

Local company now 95% interns

Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on West

Man doesn’t know how parents ever going to payoff massive student loan debt

Man upset with girlfriend changes profile picture back to truck

Parents finally cave in and buy 33-year-old son PlayStation 1

Lunch rebuilds friendship ruined at last lunch

Report: Fritz a fine name for a boy

Man confidently hits “Send” on worst job application company ever saw

Individuals unaware they constitute area man’s support network

Man unknowingly purchases lifetime supply of condoms

My Combo: Fritz the Buddhist vows tranquility with lifetime supply of condoms

On Satire Bits: Vol. 82

Sometimes coinciding, serendipitous events seem too good to be true.

First of all, it’s time for a Satire Bits post. Secondly, January is Polka Music Month. Thirdly, January 23 is the anniversary of Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI (in 1719) issuing a decree forming Liechtenstein. So let’s start the mid-week energy boost by imagining Guapo, Bulldog, and GingerFightBack wearing lederhosen while leading everyone in song and dance to the Liechtensteiner Polka. Any ladies want to volunteering wearing Bavarian Dirndl for the occasion? Who knows how to dance to a polka?

Celebration Alert:For fearing nothing to celebrate today, Wednesday is Blonde Brownie Day and Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day!

How has your week been so far? Besides getting hit with more snow, I’ve been hit with a dose of the frazzles, but I’m confident that all will be fine.

A reminder that Time: The Musical is scheduled as a prologue. Do you have a special song associated with a special moment? Well now … that may come in handy. If not, there could be other options. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 PM (Eastern USA).

Let’s move on to your mid-week dose of satire courtesy of The Onion. Any favorites? There’s also the challenge of developing your very own satirical headline by using the information from the headlines below. My combo is at the end. Enjoy … and have a good rest of the week.

Anonymous source tells reporters he is tired of being Speaker of the House

Five-year-old reluctantly lets crying mom sleep in his bed again

Unclear if fountain is the type allowed to run around in

Police deploys fancy-clothed cop

CEO worked way up from Son of CEO

Scientists teach sign language to gorilla-suit-wearing man

Enzyme humbled to have played part in successful biochemical reaction

Airline part of something called Star Alliance

27-year-old lies about every single aspect of his life to keep parents from worrying

Fun-loving, laid-back woman with a bit of a nerdy side joins online dating service

My Combo: Laid-back anonymous CEO wearing gorilla suit crying after he joins 27-year-old fancy-clothed, anonymous cop in bed