On Satire Bits: Vol. 106

Happy Hump Day to all. How’s your week going so far?

Since returning from the weekend trip, I’ve returned to my water superintendent duties for our building … which means I move hoses and sprinklers for several hours as our we and another couple in our building are assisting the builder so we can get a green grass environment … Plus, I’m trying to catch up on my blogging from the missed weekend.

Just returned from the golf course, and I was happy with my overall play tonight. Rest of the week has a variety of events scheduled, along with more watering. Then again, maybe mother nature will help out with some natural rain.

Because I haven’t given an eye update in some time, the issue still exists … but all is stable. I don’t see the retina specialist for another 5 weeks, so unless something drastic happens between now and then, it’s wait and see.

Moving on to your midweek dose of satire, as usual, the satirical headlines below are courtesy of The Onion. I’m always curious to discover when you have a favorite. For those ready to accept the extra challenge, create your own “combo” headline by using only the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Criminal prosecuted to fullest extent of budget

Meat prices skyrocket after cow smashing machine gets all beefed up

Legal Dream Team of co-workers counsel woman on strategy for speeding ticket

Friend takes liberty of ordering $40 of appetizers for entire table

Elderly man can’t wait for senility to erase lifetime of regretful memories

Each line of MasterCard billing statement evokes infuriating vacation memory

Two dozen restaurant patrons made violently ill from marriage proposal

Area idea so crazy it just might work

Snowden: NSA agents pass around nude photos

Report confirms no need to make new chairs for the time being

My Combo: Legal Dream Team prosecuted crazy cow for speeding and smashing nude elderly man in new chair

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 231

On Politics
On November 19, 2010, I first asked for it on this weekly post (evidence 1)…. and earlier this week I learned it’s finally going to happen. (evidence 2) … the Palin Channel. Nothing like paying for any-time nincompoopery.

Cheers to Congress for going on their well-earned August recess for accomplishing very little. Throw them all out!

Cheers to the US Senate for quickly and unanimously (97-0) confirming a new secretary to lead the Veterans Affairs (VA) Department – Bob McDonald – yes, a Cincinnatian.

Not long ago I posted this link to a view about the policies of Kansas Governor Sam Brownback (R). Here’s a new link to a counterpoint.

Thursday (at 12:30 pm) I received a robo-call from my representative inviting me to a telephone town hall meeting that started at noon.

Some Ohio Republicans in the state legislature are trying to Ohio to repeal the state’s commitment to the new Common Core educational standards. That a way … follow the lead of education leader Louisiana!

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Assisted care facility hits jackpot with little styrofoam cups of sherbet
Scientists: Rich people, poor people may have common ancestor
Store job applications just asks prospective employees how much they plan to shoplift
Psychology comes to halt as weary researchers say the mind cannot possibly study itself
Executioner enters lethal injection room with bag from Home Depot

Interesting Reads
Columnist Peggy Nonnan about World War I
Top 10 battles of World War I
The Nixon Tapes: A book review
Uncorrupting New Orleans
Water resources and profits
Wine tasting thoughts

On Potpourri
Dollar Tree buys Family Dollar. These discount stores (and their competitors) have become big business over the past 10 years. Nonetheless, I thought this Wall Street Journal headline was a bit tacky: Battle for Poor Shoppers Fuels Dollar-Store Deal.

I see sizeable gaps in this scale. Locally-brewed beers in the USA has experienced tremendous growth in recent years. I recently discovered these designation standards based on annual production: Large Brewery (at least 6 million barrels) and Craft Brewery (less than 6 million barrels). However, Craft Breweries can subdivided into Regional Brewery (15,000-16,000 barrels), Micro Brewery (less than 15,000 barrels), and Nano Brewery (up to 100 barrels). FYI for beer lovers: Here’s an article for the Wall Street Journal.

Because people want to know, here’s an informative video about why dogs smell butts.

Cheers to another successful installment of Life: The Musical. At the time of writing this, 25 songs are in Act 8!

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Weekend) Twins Days, Tree Climbing Days
    (Fri) Beer Day, Tomboy Tools Day, Spider Man Day, Girlfriend’s Day, Lughnasa, Braham Pie Day, Minority Donor Awareness Day, Rounds Resounding Day, Lung Cancer Day, Scout Scarf Day, Raspberry Cream Pie Day, India Pale Ale (IPA) Day
  • (Sat) Mustard Day, Take a Penny/Leave a Penny Day, Hangover Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Dinosaur Day
  • (Sun) Doll Day, Kids Day, Sister’s Day, Watermelon Day, Friendship Day, Family Day, Day of Peace Day

Due to a full plate, no Saturday Morning Cartoon post this weekend. However, I can say this is a new month … so welcome to August.

To send you into the weekend, here’s something with flavor of the new month. Hot August Night was not a song, but an album by Neil Diamond. (Debra, where you there?) However, the opening tune from that night at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles become popular – so enjoy Crunchy Granola Suite. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 105

Cincinnati is currently getting a second dose of abnormally wonderful weather for July. Warm and sunny days with low humidity followed by cool evening temperatures. The other day we had a record low (52 F, 11 C)! As one who doesn’t enjoy high temperatures with high humidity, I could take this all the time!!!

Reminder – Life: The Musical (Act 8) takes to the stage on Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern, US) featuring songs with Man/Men or Woman/Women in the title. Good news … the choices are many!

It appears the golf course my wife and I have been playing regularly for the past 25 years (or so) will be closing at the end of this golf season due to financial difficulties. It’s understandable and the right thing to do, yet sad and unfortunate.

The marketing folks at GEICO have another version of the Hump Day Camel for you to enjoy, but this one is specific for movie theater attendees.

In order to get you through the rest of the week, it’s time for your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Any favorites? As is normal custom here, those desiring an extra challenge can develop their own headline by using any combination from the headlines below. “My combo” is at the end

Increasingly anxious man worried order confirmation email never going to come

Karate studio hoping to get local phone number that spells Kick or Chop

Man unaware all his friends think of him when they want to put things in perspective

Last-ditch dating website asks users to check “Yes” if they have open sores

Study: More couples delaying divorce until kids old enough to remember every painful moment

New Department of Agriculture study finds 85% of US farmers woefully kicking the dirt

God’s will only thing keeping AC unit in window

Report finds more Americans putting off children until companies are ready

Conversations pretty limited when friend not in midst of crisis

Man regrets straying from sour cream and onion potato chips

My Combo: Last-ditch website hoping anxious man delays putting off children until Department of Agriculture check open sores from sour cream and onion potato chips

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 230

On Politics
Inside scoop is that Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Mn) is considering a 2016 bit for the presidency. Other than the entertainment aspect of her willing to make an ass out of herself, I say NO … A thousand times NO.

Shortly after President Obama’s 2008 election, I called for the removal of all top Congressional leaders. Six years later as all remain in their positions, approval ratings of Congress are pathetic, and they haven’t accomplished much …. thus I enjoyed this Paul Kane article about the Senate’s top leaders.

I appreciate this Robert Samuelson column about the government budget.

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) wrote this opinion piece on changing the primary system.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Study finds only 5% of Americans have correct amount of pride in country
Life guard would save drowning man, but who is he to play God?
Everyone in Middle East given own country in 317 million-state solution
Study finds high school students retain only one-third of obsolete curriculum of the summer
God pledges $5000 for cancer research

Interesting Reads
A Nik and Dick encounter (that’s Khrushchev and Nixon)
Interactive graphic: Middle East friendship chart
Size of iPhone: the company – a what if graphic
The ugliest churches in the world
Beethoven: The Life
Science findings and people’s opinions

On Potpourri
I’ve had several posts about the influence of German immigrants on Cincinnati. Here’s an interesting article that recently appeared in our local paper about World War I’s influence on the area.

My baseball team (Cincinnati Reds) are going nowhere.

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Weekend) Ukee Days, International Pinot Noir Celebration, Gilroy Garlic Days
    (Fri) Talk in an Elevator Day, Carousel/Merry-Go-Round Day, Lumberjack Day, Thread the Needle Day, Video Games Day, Candles on a Cake Day, Hot Fudge Sundae Day
  • (Sat) One Voice Day, Dance Day, Day of the Cowboy, Paddle for Perthes Disease Awareness Day. Coffee Milkshake Day, All or Nothing Day
  • (Sun) Take Your Houseplant for a Walk Day, Sleepy Head Day, Walk on Stilts Day, Scotch Day, Creme Brulee Day, Aunties Day, Barbie-in-a-Blender Day, Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Parents’ Day

Life: The Musical returns next week, so I’ll announce Act 8’s theme on the next Monday Morning Entertainment post.

With family in town this week and over the weekend, my watering detail, and having a contractor in the residence, it’s best that I don’t have a Saturday Morning Cartoon post this weekend.

To send you into the weekend, here’s a pop R&B hit from 1976, which reached #19 on the Billboard R&B charts … I also owned the vinyl album. Enjoy Lou Rawls with Groovy People. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 104

Greetings from hot and steamy Cincinnati … and that unseasonably comfortable weather pattern of last week is a mere distant memory. How’s your weather? And your week so far?

I’ve spent a lot of time volunteering to water two newly seeded areas at the condo. because of the size and slope of the second area, that will be a challenge … and the whole process is time-consuming.

Golf today was better than last week … but not stellar … however, (and once again) at least the company was good.

Let’s move along to your mid-week dose of satire courtesy of The Onion. It’s also time for the return of the combo challenge where you get a chance to create your own headline from the words in the headlines below. My combo is at the end, so select your nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions, pronouns, and interjections in order to create your headline. Have a good rest of the week.

Word search called off

Universal Studios, Warner Brothers enter talks to reduce stockpiles of unproduced robots

Warm weather finally allows man to get outside, explore new ways to sweat

Coast Guard going to let stranded yacht owner sweat it out a little more

Man has no idea what to do with good mood

New PS4 feature allows user to close eye and imagine really fun game

Woman who changed self to please boyfriend enjoying happy long-term relationship

Cable executive’s one-man show now mandatory viewing for subscribers

Man realizes he’s beginning to stand for something

Mayan word for ‘Apocalypse’ actually translates more accurately as “Time for Pale Obese Fun Monsters’

My Combo: Stranded Warner Brothers sweat as cable executive in good mood beginning to imagine one-man apocalypse after Coast Guard called off search

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 229

On Politics
Interesting how members of Congress are quick to criticize President Obama’s funding request for the Central American children at the border, yet providing zero funding solutions.

Boo to Attorney General Eric Holder acknowledging Nincompoop’s call for impeachment

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) represents a district just northwest of Cincinnati, so we much news about him. This week he had a guest column in the Cincinnati Enquirer. Not only did I not read it, I did not link it here.

Although partisan, I enjoyed this piece regarding the race for governor in Kansas, in which a current poll shows the Democratic challenger leading by 6% in a very Republican state.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Beard husks on sidewalk indicates start of hipster molting season
Man needs verbal assurance that hand stamp will get him back in
Study finds humans only animals capable of recognizing former self in mirror
Giant 6-year old devastates local ant community
Deadly super rainbow tears through West Coast
Putting ice cream in bowl momentarily considered

Interesting Reads
Columnist Dana Milbank on ADD politics
A disconnect between job requirements and worker skills
Brain Codes
General Patton motivational posters
Rise and fall of WW II’s Desert Fox
Cold Comfort: Granita

On Potpourri
Cheers to everyone for excellent participation in Life: The Musical – Act 7 (School). I hope to stage the next act in two weeks.

Friday is Nelson Mandela International Day, so I hope you watch this short tribute.

The Faraday Institute gives one-minute video to stimulate thought

I have a graduate school degree from the University of Cincinnati. A recent alumni magazine provided two sets of images readers to enjoy.

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Caviar Day, Nelson Mandela International Day, Stick Out Your Tongue Day, Cow Appreciation Day, Sidewalk Frying Day
  • (Sat) Celebration of the Horse Day, Toss Away the Could-Haves and Should-Haves Day, Hot Dog Day, Ugly Truck Day, Woodie Wagon Day, Ride a Motorcycle to Work Day
  • (Sun) Lake Superior Day, Moon Day, Ice Cream Day, Lollipop Day, Space Exploration Day, Hammock Day, Jump Day, Vanilla Ice Cream Day, Ice Cream Sundae Day, Ice Cream Soda Day, Daiquiri Day, Fortune Cookie Day, Nap Day

Another Saturday Morning Classic Cartoons is ready for Saturday!

To send you into the weekend, I’m following the theme of the latest act of Life: The Musical. Enjoy 38 Special’s Teacher, Teacher. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 103

It’s mid-week, so it’s time to check on everyone, so I hope all is well.

The weather front passing through brought us significant rain and a drastic change in weather … it’s no sunny, pleasantly warm with a touch of coolness in the breeze … amazingly, very uncharacteristic of July! … and this is true for much of the eastern half of the USA.

Lousy golf today, then again … after a good streak, I was due to have my worst round in several months. That’s OK because as I told the other three after the last hole …. lousy golf but great company.

Life: The Musical is the next post with “School” being the Act 7 theme. I expanded the word list, so song titles with the following words are acceptable: School, Teacher, Student, College, compound words beginning with school, a specific grade level (be careful). The performance starts Wednesday, 9: 30 PM (Eastern US).

The recent super moon sparked an idea for your midweek satire as I dived into The Onion’s archives searching for headlines. Any favorites? Enjoy and have a good rest of the week.

Kim Jong-Un announces plan to bring Moon to North Korea

Colorado wildfire spreads to Moon

Area mooning goes unnoticed

Footage of Neil Armstrong playing saxophone on Moon clearly a fake

Moon finally hatches

Pope announces plan to build Moon Vatican

NASA acquires Moon for Kennedy Space Center exhibit

Majority of Americans believe US already has a Moon base

North Korea celebrates as Kim Jong-Un becomes first man to walk on the Moon

Neptune uses Uranus to moon Jupiter ….  (but not from The Onion)