On Satire Bits: Vol. 44

How’s your week so far?

I’ve had a productive week so far, even though Cincinnati is in the midst of a several day blast of cold. Then again, we’ve got it easy compared to the people in the north central states and parts of Canada.

It’s time to step up to the celebratory buffet for a healthy scoop of midweek satire from The Onion. Any favorites?

Let’s add a twist. Given the information in the headlines and only that information, create your own original satire headline. In order to not spoil your fun, mine is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Man on Death Row seeks to read entire Harry Potter Series

Pathetic man states, “I am a brand”

Man discovered inside Nicholas Cage costume

Nobody at Capital One remembers why Vikings are in its ads

Half-dressed man frantically scrambles out of home after hearing Toyotathon deals won’t last long

Man wakes up from bender with financial problems solved

Department of Interior releases new stick

Different server brings order

Hardee’s introduces shame curtains for customers to eat behind

Long wait for big toenail to fall off nearly over

My combination: Half-dressed server inside Nicholas Cage costume in Toyotathon ad

69 thoughts on “On Satire Bits: Vol. 44

  1. “Half-dressed an wakes up in Nicholas Cage costume unable to remember why Capitol One ads have Vikings, scrambles out of house, grabs new Dept. Of Interior stick and screams “I am a brand!”. Convoluted enough for ya? 😉
    I once had to run a D&D game in very cold weather. To introduce the players to the cimate, they came across a donkey with a blanket, on which were written the words “Mahoney’s Excavators. Well-digging a specialty.” Once they discovered the donkey was warmer than the air, they realised “it’s colder than a well-digger’s ass out here”! 😀 (It’s an old saying my dad always used. 😀 )
    Hope your, AND especially my, skies drop as little frozen stuff as possible. Hang in there, 40s by early next week!


    • John,
      Cheers for you working in the new stick! Meanwhile, at least you don’t have to shovel with on a donkey … and hopefully you don’t have to shovel at all! If so, think about letting it melt!


  2. Nobody at Capital One remembers why pathetic man with brand was in a Nicholas Cage costume, but now man on death row won’t have any more financial problems. 🙂


  3. Death Row Man Frantically Wakes From Half-Dressed Bender With Nicholas Cage To State Why Long Wait Won’t Last Long.

    Man Discovered Inside Department of Interior Introduces Different Harry Potter Costume For Customers After Hearing Nobody Remembers To Read Entire Series.

    Big Behind Brand Releases New Shame Curtains. Problems Solved.

    Pathetic Man Seeks Financial Order At Capital One. Vikings Stick Man Up.



  4. My week in Paradise is going well. A bit of gym, a bit of eating and drinking, socialising and of course doing the ironing. 😆 I had to Google ‘Hardees’, before I understood the “shame curtain.” 😀 I know all about the long wait for the big toenail to eventually fall of…..twice in my life. The other time, it came off in a split second….OUCH!! Even thinking about it 35 years on, it still makes my stomach do funny things. 😦 Have a great day, and keep warm.


  5. I’m kinda partial to the toenail, but maybe not so much after hearing of Carries eeeeeuuuuuwwwww experience. My question is it s stick or a schtick?
    What’s the fascination with the man crying, for heaven’s sake. Give the guy a moment, will ya!?!?!? Mayhap one day he’ll get an award for his crying, if he hasn’t already!!



  6. How about “Pathetic man wakes up from bender inside Nicolas Cage costume.” Of the original headlines, I like “Different server brings order.” Because you know, that happens sometimes and it’s always noteworthy!


  7. for the “real” headlines, i’m stuck between the “new stick” and the toenail. both were great. and the nick cage one as well mainly because i cannot stand him. he’s a poor actor who can’t enunciate. a good crop here.


  8. Its too late in the evening after a solid day where all I did is answer three questions: “paintings are up there, restroom is downstairs, and the elevator is just behind me” to think of anything original. Its astonishing how unoriginal tourists can be.


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