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On Satire Bits: Vol. 111

HEY HEY HEY … WEDNESDAY IS ALL-CAPS DAY … BUT I’M NOT YELLING … JUST CELEBRATING!!!

AUTUMN HAS UNQUESTIONABLY ARRIVED IN CINCINNATI, AND MANY OF THE LEAVES ARE BEAUTIFUL … I ESPECIALLY LOVE THE REDS. NONETHELESS, REGARDLESS OF LEAVE COLOR PREFERENCE, MY LONG-TIME READERS WILL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT REMOVING FALLEN LEAVES IS NOT ON MY AGENDA, AND I DON’T MISS IT!!!!

EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT YELLING, I WANT TO KEEP THIS HARD-TO-READ STUFF AT A MINIMUM.

LET’S MOVE ON TO YOUR MIDWEEK DOSE OF SATIRE. BELOW THE IMAGE ARE THE HEADLINES FROM THE ONION (AND IN NORMAL PRINT). DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE? DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE EXTRA CHALLENGE OF CREATING YOUR OWN HEADLINE BY USING ANY OF THE WORDS BELOW. MY “COMBO” IS AT THE END. HAVE A GOOD REST OF THE WEEK!

Fire flies almost salvage man’s lousy day

Mom $15,000 in the hole with ceramic frog dealer

Study: Average American has over 9 million imagined sexual partners in lifetime

Patient zero kicking back in 38-c with episode of New Girl

Pitiful man struggles to find reason not to watch rebroadcast of 2006 football game

Man under impression he went down fighting

Man wearing M&M jacket made in God’s image

Report: Stagnant economy forcing more Americans to take jobs as infrastructure

Study: 73% of bedroom closets have wife’s boy-toy crouched naked inside

New Nike running app tell you what you are running from

My Combo: Man wearing wife’s jacket running from naked new girl struggles fighting frog as sexual partner

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70 thoughts on “On Satire Bits: Vol. 111”

      • So picture this. It’s 1986. I’m a young tyke imported from Europe, trying to figure out this baseball thing. I hear about this “collusion” thing and I’m like, huh? The owners conspired to keep salaries low, and as a result, some players sat out the first month of the season? Well here’s this Rock chap, first game back, playing in Shea Stadium and boom! He goes like 4 for 5 with a grand slam and just dominates the game. It was awesome, will never forget that game.

        TR belongs in the HoF. One of the most efficient, effective lead-off men ever. Not quite Rickey Henderson level, but there’s only one who ever got there anyway.

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        • I see Rock’s stats being similar to Vada Pinson, a very good player in the 60s-70s. Thus the rub for both, is the HOF for the very good? … and as we know, comparing their stats with members in the HOF doesn’t work … after all, Davey Concepcion has comparable and even better numbers than some HOF shortstops.

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        • Take his hits, WARP, on-base, amazing success rate as a base-stealer, all of it… I think he’s quite a bit better than Pinson, especially against his peers. I think Henderson is above him as a lead-off man, but Raines was the second best who did it in the modern age… I’m also intensely biased on the matter!

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        • Baseball has many stats, thus allowing anyone to favorable stats for the desired comparison. I wouldn’t complain if Raines got in, but ahead of Gwynn? Nope … I don’t buy it.

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        • Mr. Gwynn, however great a player, did not get on base at the rate Mr. Raines did. I would argue that getting on base is the single best attribute for players of this type. The advanced stat stuff is not always right, but it does shed interesting light on certain players. Honestly, I’d rather have a 0.250 hitter with a 0.550 slugging percentage than a singles hitter who wins batting titles but doesn’t walk. But this is exactly why they’re not asking me to manage big-league teams!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. My eyes!! My precious eyes!!! I love fall too, but please… please promise me you will never post in all-caps again. It’s like trying to read a blog post emblazoned on the surface of the sun.

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    • Jim,
      Both of their stories have made national attention … and good to see that Still’s visit made the news outside of locally so quickly.

      FYI: Her team’s season opener got moved up and changed from an away game to a home game because of her. Mt. St. Joe is a small college, so it’s gym probably only seats a couple thousand at best. Because of the demand and attention, the game has been changed to Xavier’s arena (capacity 10K+) … at Xavier’s expense.

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  8. I stopped reading the headlines at the ‘average American has over 9 million imagined sexual partners’…… Gads, when do you guys get anything done? Sorry Frank, I’m laughing too much to proffer anything that could compete with that headline – though I saw yours and it came pretty close! 😀

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  10. Hell Frank … I know South Africans tend to exaggerate on polls and questionnaires…. but I think the Americans that answered this study were pushing the envelope a tad… “Study: Average American has over 9 million imagined sexual partners in lifetime” that could be tiring…

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  11. All-caps day should be banned, matter of fact, the “Caps Lock” key should be removed from all keyboards. Those few paragraphs were very painful.

    Wife’s boy-toy forcing man’s ceramic frog dealer to take jacket.

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  13. Since none of your Onion headlines came close to scoring above my 7 out of a possible 10 impact benchmark, I’ve decided to give today’s “What Hit Me In The Face First” award to your ALL-CAPS FORMAT with a very respectable 8.7 out of 10.

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    • Sue,
      We have an election in a few weeks … of those in Washington, election day is for 1/3 of the Senate and all of the House … 2016 is the big one as the White House is added to the above. Meanwhile, no doubt in my mind, the majority of those holding office and running again will win.

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