On Satire Bits: Vol. 115

Greetings for cold Cincinnati. Today was a chance to hit a record “cold” … that is, a record lowest high temp for this day in history (21F, -6C). As I write this, I’m not sure if it happened, but given the wind, I stayed in as much as possible today. The good news is that we should see 50 F (10 C) this weekend. How’s the weather in your part of the world?

Although we expected some difficulties, we were surprised to learn that our dance studio is closing at the end of the week, so the process has started on locating a new private instructor. Fortunately, we have resources to ask.

Hooray … most of you seemed to enjoy the previous post about perceptions!

Due to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday in the US, Life: The Musical returns next week at a special time … so I will announce the theme in Friday’s Opinions in the Shorts.

Time for your mid-week boost of satire from The Onion to energize your week. Most of you know the drill, but for those who need encouragement, try the Combo Challenge. That is, make your own new headline from the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Embed from Getty Images

Farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month

Casino reporting steady profits from slot machine that promises players they will lose

Middle-aged man having best snacks of his life

Bank introduces underdraft fee

Every one of man’s priorities unrecognizable to grandfather

Job applicant totally nails interview with person who will make life a living hell for next 5 years

Horrified Subway execs assumed people were buying footlongs to share with a friend

Housefly drops everything to go stand on watermelon slice

Lunch barely misses man’s vital organs

Man kicking self for wasting valuable plate space at beginning of buffet line

My Combo: Horrified Man promises bank execs his organs as fee for buying fifth buffet

66 thoughts on “On Satire Bits: Vol. 115

  1. Frank — this one is too close to the mark: “Every one of man’s priorities unrecognizable to grandfather”

    It’s cold here in NoVA, too. Brrrrrrrr. There is nothing like a brisk dog walk at 6 a.m. when the ground is crunchy!


  2. We are also not enjoying another wintery reprise. Hailstones the size of small marbles pelted – PELTED – my little house Frank – the animals were all looking at me as if I was doing it! I was simply thankful the house did not spring a leak and also stood firm against said onslaught! I have an awful feeling we will not see summer again this year!


  3. Sorry to hear about your dance studio. Sounds like you have some other options, so that’s good. Still, change is always hard.

    All 50 states hit 32 degrees or below today, even Hawaii where a dormant volcano reached that temp. Then again, there probably aren’t too many people hanging out on that volcano…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, bummer about the dance studio closing, Frank. Okay–I’ll sell you 2 combos for some advice at end of comment:

    1) Middle-aged grandfather drops everything on plate at buffet line, chases slot machine that promises best snacks of his life.
    2) Wedding party friend introduces fifth unrecognizable grandfather to watermelon farmer and bank execs–horrified for month.

    Can you advise me on which is better, yet economical–the steel-spike grips for icy weather, or the non-steel spike grips?? Thanks, Ponder et al (new blog)


    • Ponder,
      LOL … you weren’t kidding about a new blog … heck, the others don’t seem to have a chance to get old!

      You have a knack for the combos, so cheers to your efforts. The first one is my fav.

      In terms of your grips question, I can honestly say I have no idea, so I can’t endorse either product.


  5. It was frigid cold in the Big Apple tonight, Frank. Milton and I went to the theater. He felt it was drafty. Most everyone kept their coats on during the play. Since our thermostats run high, we took ours off. When the play started, a latecomer was seated across from us. Celebrity sleuth Milton confided, “Barbara Walters.” Dullard that I am, I was concentrating on what was happening on stage. And yes, BW kept her coat on for the entire performance.


  6. First your golf course closes, now your dance studio! What’s next – your wine store?!!

    I’ve decided to paint a negative space abstract based on your snowy tree photo.

    My perceptions from your perception post was actually my (promised) review of Christopher Nolan’s film: “Interstellar.”

    My Onion winners today are: a tie for FIRST PLACE between “Bank introduces underdraft fee” and “Man kicking self for wasting valuable plate space at beginning of buffet line,” with HONORABLE MENTION going to “Farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month.”


    • Tim,
      Good that some of the headlines in this week’s Onion collection received your seal of approval.

      Interestingly, the official closing of the golf and dance locations are oddly very close. Fortunately, I have a lot of confidence in my wine stores!

      Did you see Interstellar?


      • YES! Do you agree with my review of the film, that, according to Christopher Nolan: Perception is reality, Different realities suggest parallel universes, There may be as many parallel universes as there are intelligent beings, Each of us might be alone?

        Unrelated, what’s your take on reports that UC might play Va. Tech. in the Military Bowl?


  7. Seems the Cold snap has hit records everywhere in the USA.. We heard the reports today of NY and the snow storms… Hope you keeping warm Frank.. And those pesky Flies just know what to land on that is out of bounds..

    Hope you enjoy the rest of your week too Frank.. keep warm..


  8. I wish it was only -6c here. Today it is -16c and that’s actually pretty nice for this time of year. I usually don’t start complaining until we hit -30c (which is coming *sigh*).

    Take care and stay warm 🙂


  9. It’s been a long time, so I’m a bit rusty! Bank priorities slice vital organs living steady profits to housefly. 😉
    weather report: relatively warm day today, but we’re expecting heavy rains and a big drop of temperature from Friday. Winter is here…


    • Marina,
      The rainy season for you … yuk! At least you don’t get the frigid stuff! Then again, there is a certain relativity to hot/cold.

      Hey … for being rusty, you did fine … and what a lucky housefly!


  10. I think it’s cold everywhere! Personally, I love the cold, though I can’t help but think about how excruciating it is for those without a warm place to go to.

    Meanwhile, my combo will be short and sweet, one that rings familiar to myself these days: “Horrified man introduced to middle age”


    • Twixt,
      Yes … much of the US is getting an early dose of winter … but it’s too early for this cold for this long. Meanwhile … oh no – a man horrified of aging. … FYI: This week’s OITS could be quite pointed.


  11. I hope you find another private instructor without too much delay, Frank. I am a little envious of those weekly ballroom experiences. My dance partner can’t quite keep up with that these days so I’m a bit sidelined, too. I think your warmer weekend will be welcome! Looking forward to another musical entry!


    • Debra,
      Given the holiday season, we probably won’t officially seek a new instructor until after the first of the year … but I’ve started the process of identifying who to talk to … nonetheless, it will work out in time. ,,, BTW …This independent moderate will get a bit more testy in the upcoming OITS.


  12. All I can say to you Frank, this cold is terrible. Mt. Vernon has been in the teens, but then Texas hasn’t been much better. Finally, today I go home.

    Every one of man’s priorities will make life a living hell for the next 5 years.


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