On Those Emails

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Email is a wonderful thing, yet it can be quite demanding. Because I was away from email for 17 days, can you imagine how many emails were waiting for me? Here’s a sample from my Spam folder (with my answers in italics).

Jordan has mastered the ultimate orgasm – (Jordan, good for you, so why do you need me?)

Brittany wants to hook up – Paige is a little on the heavy side, but horny – Shawna is horny – Lisa is super horny – Krysta is super horny and busty – Faith is a horny cougar – Michelle is a blonde cougar who wants me tonight – Alex and Kourtney are a horny MILFs – (What is a guy to do with so many choices?)

To complicate matters, Charlotte says 250 horny women are with 3 miles of me … but Kelsey says 271 within 5 miles (This requires a few calculations. Assuming my house is in the center of the area (that is 3 miles in all directions) Charlotte’s area covers 28.26 square miles, which means 8.8 horny women per square mile. Kelsey area covers 78.5 square miles, thus 3.5 horny women per square mile. Assuming the same woman cannot appear on the two lists, Charlotte offers the better deal. Therefore, I need the list for another calculation.

Jessica & Jesse told me they were only 3.2 miles away. (Hey Jenna – good luck because you are competing with stronger offers from Charlotte and Kelsey)

Erica invited me to a swingers party – Erica invited me to a single party … but so did Mandy, so I wonder if it’s the same party and if I get a 2-fer

Jayme is a naughty wife – Rikki is a naughty housewife – Hollie’s husband is out of town – Ashlie is married but wants a 1-night stand – Kimmy is married, busty, and looking for fun right now – Tori informed me her husband is out-of-town again. Miss Parker told me where cheating wives are. (I’m not sure my calendar can handle all these travel schedules.)

Heidi game me a pic that I can’t share – Deborah and Shelby want to swap photos with me – Lucy offers me nude photos – Krissy wants to send me a picture message – Katie says she’s too hot for Facebook – Jennifer invited me to see her pics of being a bad girl – Hollie invited me to watch her bathe – Jen wants me to watch her have sex .. and so does Devyn. (Ladies, any guarantees Photoshop isn’t involved.)

Ally commented on my profile. (Ally, that’s it? You don’t realize that how underwhelmed I am by this?)

Jodie ask if If I know who this is. (I’m guessing, Jodie). Lexi asks if I remember her. (Among all these women? Nope.)

Jessica wants to ask me a question – Chrissy wants to know if I think she’s cute – Jenni wants to know if I would f*^# a single mom – and June asks the same question about a married woman – and Sammi wants be to be her sex machine. (Ladies, you are asking questions while others are making offers)

Meadow wants me to call her – Samantha wants to know why I have responded to any of her texts – Rachel has been trying to call me – S’asha wants to play – but Allison wants to know if I want to feel her throat (Allison must think I’m an ear-nose-and-throat doctor)

Claire offered a booty call – Cassidy said she would do anything I ask. – Nicole describes herself as a naughty hottie – Rachie is a wild-eyed southern girl – Whitney just needs love & passion – but Addison is so wet, she just squirted (Addison, were you in a pool for a long time?)

Gracie offers the trick to better sex, but Jenny offers the best sex in my life. Monique offers to do want ever I ask, but Shawna says she’s horny let’s have sex (At least Shawna gets right to the point)

Amanda offers sleeping with 2 new women this week. (Amanda, an important rule in business is to know the competition … and given the offers I’ve received, you may want to consider raising your offer )

Bethany let me not that if I wasn’t interested in her, she’s sure someone else would be (Brittany, seeing the other offers, you better move on … good luck)

Jenna is willing to come to my house, but Gina wants to know when I’m coming over (Ladies, I can’t be in two places at once)

Hannah has a crush on me – so does Brooke. Brie chooses me. Judy wants to have a secret relationship with me. Jackie asked me to take off my clothes (Jackie, you aren’t here, so why …uh … oh, Hi Taylor)

Alexa added me as a f^*k buddy. Kristin offers a casual hook up. Jen gave me a pass to her hook-up network. Sandy informed me that no sluts were here. (Sandy, there is no question that sluts is a common misconception)

Sammi says I can become a sex machine. (Yeah baby. Considering these emails, I must contact her.)

Nikki asked about making an educational decision (Nikki, how did you get into this list?)

Meanwhile, with all these choices, what is a guy to do?

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