On Satire Bits: Vol. 126

Welcome to midweek. How’s your week been so far?

March weather in Cincinnati is quite wide-ranging with cool to warm and snow to thunderstorms. Whew! The last half of the week looks to be cold. Yuk! That’s OK because my golf clubs remain in the backroom.

A reminder that Thursday is Name Your Own Holiday Day. Do you have any suggestions? I’m proposing Flying Rutabaga Day, Turtles with Prehensile Tails Day, and Hats Off to the Women of CNN Day.

This week’s midweek dose of satire is for RoSy, who (long ago) requested a sports set from The Onion’s archives.

Don’t forget the Combo Challenge – that is, making your own satirical headline from the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

New report suggests it kind of weird baseball uniforms have belts

Man watching World Cup thought he would have seen more bicycle kicks by now

Goalkeeper announces plans to frantically wave and yell at teammates before corner kick

Exhausted cyclists ask for some drugs so they can finish Tour de France

Michael Phelps apologizes to entire nation after tasting Subway for the first time

Amnesty International blasts hockey league for penalty box conditions

Hockey jersey tucked in for date

Student athlete graduates with 3.8 grade point average

Player’s season depends on if he can stay healthy

Report: Majority of baseball players swallow up to six baseballs during sleep each year

My Combo: Exhausted hockey players frantically swallow entire Subway in penalty box causing goalkeeper to wave and yell for first-time date

On Satire Bits: Vol. 125

Welcome back to the first Satire Bits in 5 weeks. That’s right, the last one posted February 10th.

How’s your week gone so far? The past few days has blessed Cincinnati with pleasant weather, so hopefully you’ve experience positive days.

St. Patrick’s Day (Tuesday) was my yearly opportunity to have green spaghetti for lunch, then a delightful dinner at Seasons 52 to celebrate my wife’s birthday. The rest of the week looks a bit hectic, so the next point will be either the return of Opinion in the Shorts or another version of Briefs. Last week’s image of the 5 guys in underwear received many positive comments, so pressure is on!

Below the images are headlines from The Onion’s archives around a theme: Prisons. Because it has been several weeks, don’t forget the Combo Challenge. All anyone has to do is use only the words in the headlines below to form your own original headline. Think a noun, an adjective, a verb, and filler … then you have it. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Prisoner’s right group protests treatment of super-villains in nation’s magnetic detainment cubes

China announces plans to build International Space Prison

WB Network targets booming prison population with new sitcom

Amnesty International demands gentler soap for Indonesian prisoner

Chinese rockers hold benefit for oppression

Study reveals conditions at women’s prisons deplorably unsexy

Nostalgic warden has seen three generations of family coming through

Smoking ban collapses fragile prison economy

Oregon man arrested in Zoophilia sting after propositioning FBI agent posing as a goat in chat room

Lutheran minister arrested for boring young children

Area man doesn’t understand why you’re arresting him now that he has his clothes back on

Congress arrested on manslaughter charges

My Combo: Goat reveals Congress as deplorably boring

On Satire Bits: Vol. 124

It’s been cold this week in Cincinnati – but at least I’m thankful that we haven’t received the snow continues to dump on the northeastern US. In the past 17 days, Boston has received 70+ inches (177+ cm)? That’s crazy! … and more is anticipated Friday and Sunday.

Life: The Musical official concludes on the next post. The epilogue focuses on life as whole, so submit songs that are about life, and hopefully special to you in some way … and I hope you will briefly share the why behind you choice. In other words, this is a chance to post a song about life that is important to you. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 PM (Eastern US).

For your mid-week satire to propel you toward the weekend, I ventures into the depths of The Onion’s archival vault. Given yesterday’s post about education, I cleared the dust on many good ones. Any favorites? There’s also the Combo Challenge of making your own original headline from the words in the headlines below. For those wanting the extra challenge, try making a headline that’s not about education. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Teacher hopes students can tell that he was once popular

Substitute teacher totally freaks

Gym teacher secretly hates nerds

Frustrated inner-city students running out of ideas to motivate teachers

Male substitute teacher cloaked in mystery

Nation’s substitute teachers what to know who threw that

Inspirational teacher cancelled out by every other teacher at school

Teacher’s sense of humor comes through in multiple-choice test

Gym teacher ensures students that bouncing wiffle balls on a parachute is a sport

Risk champ flunks geography test

French teacher informs student to tell her about the bathroom fire in French

Creative writing teacher announces plan to sit on edge of desk

Teacher sees potential in student with glasses

My Combo: Nerds motivate creative freaks to throw at balls of frustrated male

On Satire Bits: Vol. 123

Hump Day is here! Hope your week is going well so far.

Cincinnati has been cold this week, but we avoided the latest winter storm. While we were on the light rain side of the front, a more than foot (31+ cm) of snow and a fierce wind pounded my sister-in-law cross-state in Cleveland. Then again, is see that Boston has had 47 inches (120 cm) of snow in the past 10 days.

Now that was one crazy ending to the Super Bowl, which meant cheers for Audra and Mo, but tears for LB, Danica, and Christy. Even more interesting if one examines the important of events in the playoffs.

I’m in the process of learning to use Google Docs for conducting a survey and examining the results. For those who can volunteer less than a minute for five questions, please complete the short survey here. IF you get an Error on submission, please tell me in a comment and identify your answer to the cartoon question. This information will help me determine if your response arrived. Thanks!

Reminder that the next post is last act of Life: The Musical (Act 17) featuring songs with memory, memories, remember, remembering, remembered, or remembrance in the title. Show time is Wednesday at 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

For this week’s mid-week boost of satire, I’m using The Onion’s archival vault to for a journey through each year of school. As always, for those desiring a challenge, make your own satirical headline from the words in the headlines below the image. For those desiring an extra challenge: develop a headline that has nothing to do with school/education. My Combo is at the end (for those who dare to look, which is done at the viewer’s risk).

Have a good rest of the week.

Kindergartener being groomed for line-leader position

First-grade teacher apprehends mysterious coat-room urinator

Second-grade music student goes nuts with cowbell

Third-grade teacher sighs, then helps lost cause with long-division problem

Fourth-grade teacher to polish speech that it’s not third grade anymore

Everyone still remembers time you threw up in fifth grade

Group of sixth grade boys discover pile of naked women in wood

Seventh-grade life science class grossed out by having to dissect horse

Eighth grade reading list heavily favors stuff that sucks big time

Ninth grader thinks Romeo and Juliet might just be her favorite play

10th grade class watches Ben Hur for two weeks

High school junior wishes they are a senior

High school couples prepare for post-graduation breakup

My Combo: Juliet to polish nuts of naked Romeo in woods

On Satire Bits: Vol. 122

The nor’easter storm pounded the New England coast this week. Although Lame in NYC got lucky, I’ve got the feeling Audra took the brunt. Maybe Cynthia can give us a report from Vermont. Good luck to everyone up there.

Meanwhile, Cincinnati received a dusting and cool temperatures.

In the spirit of my education series, The Onion’s archives provides this week’s Wednesday satire to spring you toward the weekend. Even though these are from the vault, the Combo Challenge is still available – so hey – make your own headline from the words in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Students thankful standardized curriculum sparing them from free-spirited teacher antics

Parent urges child to invest in improv comedy education

Study: Most high school graduates woefully unprepared for high school

Instruction in Internet negates need for sex education

Education is our passport to something or other

Are tests biased against students who don’t give a shit?

Study finds college is more valuable than spending four years chained to radiator

Importance of education given valuable lip service

Dept of Education study reveals Seniors Rule

Parents of nasal learners demand odor-based curriculum

Progressive charter school doesn’t have students

Report: Chinese third graders falling behind US high school students in science and math

My Combo: Progressive charter school students who don’t give a shit urge woefully unprepared parents to invest in free-spirited improv sex education curriculum 

On Satire Bits: Vol. 121

A mid-week greeting to all!

How’s your week going so far? Mine has been low-key, and believe it or not, no dancing yet.

Yesterday’s post about education was well received. Perspectives from UK, Finland, Canada, South Africa, Spain, New Zealand, India, Argentina, and USA .. and all about statements made many years ago. I should have another collection ready for next week.

The next post is Life: The Musical – Act 16 featuring songs with dead, die, dies, died, or death in the title. Get your songs ready because curtain time is Wednesday at 9:30 PM (Eastern US).

Below the image are your mid-week bits of satire from The Onion. For that extra challenge, jump into the fray by developing your very own original headline from the words below. So hey … my combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Grandfather seems proud of how many people polio killed

Life-changing epiphany wears off on ride home

Wrong turn finds man on poor side of mall

New employee has never known decadent pleasures of old office

Man tinkering with anecdote set list before next date

Married couple frustrated after months of unsuccessfully trying to sell baby

Report: America still world leader in manufacturing excuses

Completely uninhibited party guest still choosing to talk about work

Young child still developing antibodies to Mountain Dew

More Americans putting off marriage until ultimatum

China vows to begin aggressively falsifying air pollution numbers

New History Channel program explores what would have happened if History Channel never existed

My Combo: Uninhibited married couple proud of pleasures in old office

On Satire Bits: Vol. 120

Happy Midweek from chilly Cincinnati. Brrrr … but at least it’s not as cold as it was … and warmer weather is on the way. To those to my north, I know it’s colder for you, and we northerners envy the southerners and those in the southern hemisphere.

I just saw the movie Selma. I hope to post about it soon, but the bottom line is that I recommend the movie.

Some of you may recall that our dance studio closed. Fortunately for us, another studio picked up our lessons with no strings attached. Because we had already paid for them, that’s huge. At the new venue, so far, so good. My wife was out tonight, so I went to a group class for basic steps of bachata. It’s not me, but that it was fun to try. For the curious, here’s a video of steps with the basics. Then again, this couple is smokin’ with more advanced steps.

On to your midweek collection of satire from The Onion. Which of these give you the biggest chuckle? For those desiring a challenge, make your own original satirical headline by using only the words in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Area man self-conscious about the wrong things

Man too exhausted to repress both anger and sadness

After careful thought, teen applies to college where family donating building

Man’s whole job undoing handiwork of self-checkout machine

New census study finds that 40% of US population is filler

Restaurant patrons rapidly losing faith parents going to do something about 4-year old

Delicate little man kept awake all night by having coffee after 4 pm

Job applicant blows away interviewer with intimate knowledge of company’s About Us page

Report: 79% of world’s attics remain unexplored

Man’s heart stopped as speaker asks audience to turn to person next to them

Four angels banished from heaven for attempting to unionize

Crowd outside of White House hoping to catch glimpse of President naked

My Combo: Restaurant banishes patrons for intimate antics with coffee machine