On Satire Bits: The Finale

The first post I dedicated to a collection of satire from The Onion was on November 8, 2011. Five weeks later, the second post. The weekly feature started the following month, January 10, 2012. Somewhere along the line, Curmudgeon-at-Large suggested what became the Combo Challenge .. .and the rest is history. (Thanks Mudge!)

The previous post explained a change in this blog’s format … and On Satire Bits is a casualty from the reality stick’s blow. That’s OK, after all, it’s been a good run of 134 posts. A special thanks to The Onion for making it easy.

Before we get on to the final Combo Challenge, a reminder that Meals: The Musical continues with Act 5 featuring Ingredients. Although there is much latitude here, song titles must include herbs, flavorings, spices, and common ingredients that aren’t dishes themselves. Herbs and spices are acceptable on their own. On the other hand, stay away from fruits, vegetables, meats, chocolate, and anything that might cause the producer’s shorts to knot. Curtain time is 9:30 pm (Eastern US) Wednesday.

Although some voluntarily participate creating their own headlines in the small collection in Opinions in the Shorts, the time has come for the final Combo Challenge. For the occasion, some of the headlines below the image are from the first Satire Bits. Make your own headline from the words from the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Thanks again for supporting On Satire Bits, have a good week, and hope to see you at the theater for Act 5.

Coal lobby warns wind farms may blow Earth off orbit

Adult bookstore to enhance shopping experience with café

An over-the-top Chinese salute to Lady Gaga, with old people

Chickenpox lollipops ineffective

Google “opt-out” feature lets users protect privacy by moving to remote village

Jennifer Lopez comes out with own clothesline line

Facebook increases user control with new ‘Cancel Account’ feature

Tests biased against students who don’t give a shit

Restaurant gives totally unwanted twist to Mexican cuisine

High school student taking rejection from first-choice college in stride as if future not over

Totally unknown guy strolling around your part of office for some reason

Report: Income inequality most apparent during fifth grade classmates birthday party

Parents of crying child must not be any good

Teen makes clever remark in science class

My Combo: Jennifer Lopez crying in adult bookstore over Lady Gaga experience

On Satire Bits: Vol. 133

Greetings from San Diego … oops … I mean Cincinnati … but our current weather is fabulous! I spent the day on the golf course, but the weather and company was better than the golf. Oh well, that’s the way the game is.

Thanks for the positive reaction about the previous post about Martha. I enjoyed putting that one together, and the variety of emotions surprised me. As I mentioned to some in the comments, my intent was around a tribute – not sadness. Nonetheless, I’m glad to know that some were touched by the post.

Below the image are the headlines from The Onion for your mid-week bump in satire. Any favorites? Don’t forget the Combo Challenge by making your own headline from the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Mother still searching for pre-school that focuses exclusively on her son

Email from Mom sent at 5:32 am

Man now too exhausted to repress both anger and sadness

Majority of Americans never use Physical Education after high school

Night of uninterrupted deep sleep really throws man’s day off

Breakthrough procedure allows parents to select sexiness of child

Trip to bar gives friends opportunity to sit around, do nothing in different place

Avoiding popular songs somehow accomplishment for local man

Study: Majority of frontal lobe occupied by thoughts of sausage links

Man on gurney has brief word with protagonist before entering ambulance

Apartment manager already knows to look out for tenant sending Minnie Mouse checks

Hollywood quietly shuts down after realizing entertainment a delicate matter of subjective opinion

My Combo: Man on gurney exhausted after searching for uninterrupted sausage links

On Satire Bits: Vol. 132

Hooray … the front has passed through, thus the backside will deliver several days of optimal weather. Simply fabulous … and this is great golf weather. Too bad I struggled in my last round.

Meals: The Musical is the next post. Act 4 features Meat, so song titles must include meat(s) or any meat commonly served. Caution against using animal(s) or any specific animal unless the specific animal appears on a typical menu. For instance, thumbs down to pig(s), but sausage, bacon, pork, and ham are acceptable. Seafood items are unacceptable. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

Now for your mid-week boost in satire to lead you toward the weekend. Not only cheers to The Onion for their wonderful headlines, but don’t forget the Combo Challenge where you construct an original headline with the words from The Onion headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Any favorites below?

Have a good rest of the week. Hope to see you at the theater for Act 4.

Houseguest asks if host has blanket that’s never been washed he can use

Area woman can’t wait to get home and take-off uncomfortable persona

Study: Best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing with red marker

Barber’s paunch keeping touching customer

College encourages lively exchange of ideas

New poll finds 74% of Americans would be comfortable blaming female president for problems

Man always carries gun in case he need to escalate situation

Report: Majority of Earth’s potable water trapped in Coca Cola products

Man thinks going to Vegas for things other than gambling somehow less sad

Troubling report finds dreamingly sliding down back of door after kissing date on porch plummets 78%

My Combo: Area female finds gun in barber’s paunch

On Satire Bits: Vol. 131

Mid-week is here – which means Hump Day! Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike! What day is it?

Cincinnati weather is more like early summer than mid-spring, which is fine. After all, it’s all a matter of perspective and alternatives. I had my first night of subbing in a golf league close to my home. I played well, hopefully I will get many opportunities in the weeks ahead.

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions for my first venture into fiction (the prior post). I’m considering a challenge, thus wanting to know your thoughts about the following idea. All participants use the same story up to a point, then write their own ending within a certain word limit. What do you think?

On to the mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. For the extra challenge, create your own headline from the words in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Any favorites headlines? Have a good rest of the week.

Junior-high-school Badminton unit inspires 948 shuttlecock jokes

Man under mistaken impression he is own harshest critic

Labor Secretary horrified to learn some Americans working jobs they do not truly enjoy

Company to experiment with valuing employees

Man’s ironclad grasp of issue can withstand two follow-up questions

Teen crafting marketing image in garage hoping to one day win Grammy

Mathematical skill downplayed to get out of splitting check

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

English teacher on first date in ages lets dangling metaphor slide

Content writer awkwardly shows parents around website where he works

My Combo: Dangling teen crafting two mathematical questions

On Satire Bits: Vol. 130

Some of us have experience work by an evil WP gnome. You know – a gnome from the dark side that makes changes in your settings without your knowledge. It’s happened to me before, and it just happened again. Simply put, I wasn’t receiving email notifications about new posts … and now I have a lot of work to do because of this damn gnome!

Enough of that – how’s your week going? It looks like I will have a regular sub opportunity in a golf league, so that’s some good news at this end.

The next post is Act 3 of Meals: The Musical. Side dishes (sides) is the theme, so there is a wide array of choices. Think vegetables, pastas, casserole, soups, grains, salads, and more … but stay away from fruits, meats, desserts, and beverages.

On to your midweek dose of satire from The Onion. Don’t forget the Combo Challenge that gives you a chance to create your own headline by using the words in the headlines below the image. Give it a try – and mine is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week, and hope to see you at the theater for Act 3.

Man too deep into sentence to avoid saying word he can’t pronounce

Artist always carries around sketchbook in case he feels like making someone uncomfortable

Mother provides adult son with list of questions to ask doctor

Area man totally blows his chance to see Exodus: God & Kings in theaters

Doctor just uses same ultrasound picture for every baby

Man’s area code provides glimpse of past life

Law-abiding citizen keeps herself on track with weekly cheat sheet

Nation’s landmark piled into single location for easier monitoring

Man old enough to know how rest of life plays out

Man brings lunch from home to cut down on small joys

My Combo: Baby blows lunch on uncomfortable doctor

On Satire Bits: Vol. 129

Hey there? How’s your week going?

Mine has been OK to this point with some errands, visits, phone calls, etc. I cram those into the first part of the week because my part-time job occupies the end of the week. It’s another week without a golf league – but the season is early, so I’m hopeful that some opportunities will become available.

Several times I’ve mentioned that my wife and I are in a Quickstep formation at a local studio. So far, it has been quite the torture for numerous reasons, but we’re trying. Many readers probably do not know much about the dance, so the next post will be about Quickstep.

On to the mid-week satire from The Onion with hopes of delivering a chuckle. Don’t forget the Combo Challenge, which gives you a chance to make your own satirical headline. All you have to do is limit yourself to the world that are in the headlines below the picture. My Combo is at the end.

Any favorites? Have a good rest of the week.

Scout returns with news from quicker checkout line to the east

Study finds employees most productive they set their own salaries

Area man could have made same meal at home but worse

US Government offers 100 million Americans generous severance deal to leave country

Report: Reuben rated top mid-size sandwich in its class

Woman’s parents accepting of mixed-attractiveness relationship

Report: Mom has plans for tub of whipped cream in fridge – don’t eat it!

Area man only one with problems

Man looks on helplessly as friend tells him story he’s already heard

Mankind tired of having to remind itself of good in the world

Condo board maintains purity of bloodline through generations of intermarriage

My Combo: Rueben looks helplessly at woman’s generous offer to eat whipped cream from mid-size area on man

On Satire Bits: Vol. 128

Hope you enjoyed that creative remix of the fabulous commercial.

How has your week gone so far? Hopefully OK.

We attended the annual Home Owners Association (HOA) meeting last night. Oh boy – just confirmation that some don’t understand what it means to live in a condo and that some simply should not.

Golf league season has arrived and delivered a dilemma to me. At the end of last season, the course notified all leagues that it would be closing in a few months. My league (as well as my wife’s) found another course. Because my league involved changing days, I decided not to return. I found a new league, but then (and without notice) I discovered that league is no more. In other words, I’m currently a golfer without a league. Interestingly, the original course remains open – causing me to wonder – why did they runoff guaranteed income? Very strange and unprofessional.

Meals: The Musical takes to the stage in the next post. Act 2 features Fruit – so song titles must include fruit(s) or any nutritional fruit in the title. Keep in mind that tomato(es) are not acceptable. Using a similar rationale, nut(s) or any type of nut, are not acceptable. Advice – Don’t make it harder than it is because there are many songs available. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

The pigs below are multi-tasking as they are not only getting their tune for Meals: The Musical, they are also preparing their Combo Challenge. For the newbies, the satirical headlines below are from The Onion, and the Combo Challenge involves forming your own original headline from the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Report: More Americans setting aside money in case of PR emergency

Empty “About Us” page leaves Chinese buffet’s origins shrouded in mystery

Allowance to teach children importance of parental dependence

Disheartened man expected at least one text while checking phone after flight

Hippocratic Oath updated to include vow of loyalty to insurance company

Increasingly worried man hasn’t yet come across any guacamole in burrito

Teen sick of mother barging into room with clean, folded clothes

Lettuce sentence to slow painful death in vegetable crisper drawer

Cat who spends life on one of two couch cushions given rabies vaccine

Scientists speculate extraterrestrials may have completely different hair than humans

Humble eccentric decline in-flight beverage service

My Combo: Humble, disheartened eccentric mother worried about importance of loyalty to guacamole on Chinese lettuce leaves