On Satire Bits: Vol. 112

Hey hey hey … How’s your week going? Do you need a dose of mid-week satire as an energy boost? If so .. hold that thought for a few important tidbits.

Life: The Musical starts Wednesday 9:30 pm (Eastern US) with Act 11 featuring Hope, so song titles must include Hope, Hopes, Hoped, Hoping, Hopeless, or Hopelessly in the title. Have you made your selection? Shhhhhh …. don’t tell anyone!

Because Halloween is Friday, The Onion offers these tips for the perfect Halloween party.

The 200,000 hit may happen with this post. Because I doubt it, my guess is during Life: The Musical (Act 11). … but heck, maybe during Opinions in the Shorts.  Whenever, my way of celebrating the occasion is to dive into The Onion’s archives searching for celebration headlines. Which is your favorite?

For those who want to write an original combo, go ahead .. but I struggled because of the nouns and similar verbs. Nonetheless, have a good rest of the week.

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Local couple celebrates anniversary by returning to website where they met

Chessmaster begins celebration several moves before checkmate

Parents at graduation celebrate child’s last accomplishment

Painful reminder celebrates fourth birthday

Larva celebrates ascent into adulthood with Bar-Moltzvah

Christianity celebrates one billionth unanswered prayer

White Castle bathroom stall celebrates fifth conception

Canvas shopping bag celebrates third year on doorknob

New hospital celebrates grand opening with free health-insurance samples

Team celebrates eighth straight loss by emptying garbage can contents on coach

Tiger Woods adds celebration where he slowing licks a putter shaft

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On Update Monday

How was your weekend?

Ours was suppose to close with a blast of fierce weather, which (in some ways) is fitting for what is currently happening within our family. For for our location, the storm whimpered by.

Many thanks for the well-wishes regarding my in-laws. When I read the locations of the comments to my MIL, she commented, All for us?  – To which, I smiled and delivered a Yes.

Thankfully, my wife’s sister and our nieces came to town. The hospital released my FIL Saturday afternoon. As my MIL continues to struggle, the family also had a chance to talk.

I’m hoping to return to normal posting this week. To help with my time management, my visiting elsewhere will most likely be limited, but I’ll may try.

This week marks the return of Time: The Musical, with Act 9 featuring  extended time. Examples of words in the title include decade(s), century(ies), era(s), epoch(s), and potentially others. “Years” can be used if and only if the number is at least 100. A future date as 2525 is not acceptable. Get your songs ready! Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

Here are some upcoming celebrations for your calendar

  • (Week) Book Awareness Week
  • (Mon) Married-to-a-Scorpio Support Day, Mickey Mouse Day, Push-Button Phone Day, Vichyssoise Day, William Tell Day
  • (Tues) Equal Opportunity Day, Have-a-Bad-Day Day, World Toilet Day, Rocky & Bullwinkle Day, Men’s Day, Carbonated Beverage with Caffeine Day
  • (Wed) Name Your PC Day, Peanut Butter Fudge Day, Absurdity Day, Universal Children’s Day, G.O.H.A.R.D, My dad would be 88 today
  • (Thurs) Alascattalo Day, Beaujolais Nouveau Day, Hello Day, Use Less Stuff Day, False Confessions Day, Stuffing Day

To start your week with a chuckle, here’s what happens when prepared man meets determined goose. Have a good week.

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 202

On Politics
President Obama is catchy his share of criticism from his “if you like your insurance, you can keep it” comment. To me, it’s a good example of Washington’s preference for politics over policy, and for the poor job done of educating the public about the Affordable Care Act.

Earlier this week was Election Day in the USA. Sadly, I’m embarrassed to say that turnout was poor. Maybe moving Election Day to a weekend is a good idea.

Another idea I heard this weekend is an 18-year term limit for US Supreme Court Justices, something I had considered before, but will continue to ponder.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Desperate man hands out resume to trick-or-treaters
Nabisco snack physicists develop highly unstable quadriscuits
Drug kingpin considers buying extravagant mansion
Local teen walks in on family masturbating
Giant burrito to solve all of area man’s problems in six precious minutes
Center of Disease Contraction urges Americans to suck doorknobs

Images worth seeing from The Onion
For the holidays, a Charles Darwin ornament from The Onion Store
A vegetarian option for a menu
Bedtime talk with the Clintons

Interesting Reads
Congress reforming Congress
Death by chocolate: An explanation
Safety posters from the 1930s
Reasons to ignore college rankings by US News & World Report
Cereal impacts on culture
Excellent infographic showing financial mergers since 1996
50 states, 50 sandwiches (a slideshow with short text)

On Potpourri
TeddyToppsWasn’t yesterday’s video about Teddy wonderful! Below is his baseball card, and I’m hoping the family has a card-signing event as a charity fundraiser.

Earlier this week I made my first risotto. Because it was a very tasty success, here’s the recipe.

The testimonials are now on an About subpage. Even though I shortened some, thanks for all for your generous kind words.

Given interest by many, my current plan is posting the handbell premier Tuesday (Monday evening).

For those who dare, Leo (@Doggy’s Style) is having a contest about pick-up lines.

With a huge typhoon pounding the Philippines, prayers and good thoughts for everyone’s safety.

Here are your weekend celebrations

  • (Weekend) Last chance for Intimate Apparel Week
  • (Fri) X-Ray Day, Harvey Wallbanger Day, Ample Time Day, Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
  • (Sat) Scrapple Day, Chaos Never Dies Day, Parade Day
  • (Sun) Area Code Day, Tongue Twister Day, Sesame Street Day, Forget-Me-Not Day, Vanilla Cupcake Day

Sorry, no Saturday Morning Cartoon post this weekend.

Because a recent announcement has The Eagles returning to Cincinnati for an expensive concert, let’s go into the weekend with an Eagles classic! Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 199

On Politics
Earlier this week I called my Congressional representative’s office and stated three easy-to-understand points: I’m not happy, get something done now, and he won’t be getting by vote in 2014. Then again, because I’m not a donor, he probably doesn’t care. In the end, he voted against reopening the government and extended the debt ceiling.

Now that the US government is open again for business, I wonder these two questions:

  • If it possible that Speaker Boehner (R-OH) purposely administered more rope to the far right?
  • Because the deal moves new deadlines to January and February (2014), will the recent situation replay in a few months?

I heard this interesting comment earlier in the week: I call upon all of you to wage a second American nonviolent revolution, to use civil disobedience to demand that this president leave town, to get up, to put the Quran down, to get up off his knees, and to figuratively come out with his hands up.

Two good truthful chuckles

  • Polls show that the people favor the Affordable Care Act over Obamacare – which (for my foreign audience) are the same thing
  • Interesting freshman roommates: Tea-Party advocate Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Craig Mazin, co-screenwriter for the Hangover movies

The rollout of the government’s healthcare insurance site is pathetic.

With all the talk about the Washington Redskins changing their name, my shared this one with me: Redskins considering dropping Washington from their name

To help show the Washington discourse and the biased perspectives, see these real headlines:

  • Republicans need to Dump the Tea Party
  • Democrats Show Their Insincerity
  • The Republican Party’s Age of Unreason
  • Obama’s intransigence is a big bluff’
  • Democrats Waiting for GOP Surrender on Shutdown A Small President on a World Stage
  • Give Boehner a Break
  • In Nixing Weekend Deal, Dems Exposed
  • Republicans Will Pay for This
  • Obama Can’t Waste This Moment
  • Boehner is Speaker in Name Only
  • The Presidency is No Place for Amateurs

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion

  • Cereal commercial completely neglects showing numerous life problems character faces beyond breakfast
  • Internet rocks by blogger’s sarcastic sensibility
  • Chipmunk’s plan for future better crafted than 8 of 10 Americans
  • New Pumpkin Spice Channel offers fall-themed hardcore porn
  • Thursday’s cry moved up to Wednesday due to scheduling conflict
  • Heroic broken sewage pipe flood Congress

Interesting Reads
The American stalemate
Wow paintings from a Russian artist (Thank you Patti)
Both parties blundering columnist Michael Barone
A tribute to one of the original astronauts: Scott Carpenter
US, China, and Middle Eastern Oil
Five Misconceptions about Columbus
One Man’s Love for Math

On Potpourri
Look what made Smithsonian Magazine’s “20 Most Iconic Foods Across America!

Home decorating tips for Halloween from The Onion

Upcoming Celebrations Calendar

  • (Fri) Chocolate Cupcakes Day, No Beard Day, Alaska Day
  • (Sat) Menopause Day, Bridge Day, Evaluate Your Life Day, Sweetest Day, Seafood Bisque Day
  • (Sun) Toy Camera Day, Brandied Fruit Day

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame recently announced its 2014 nominees. NWA, The Replacements, Hall & Oates, LL Cool, and Link Wray are some of the nominees more worthy than the Moody Blues. At least Yes is on the ballot. Finally! Although this museum is a worthwhile visit, I continue to question its selection rationale and process.

A Saturday Morning Cartoon is next!

To send you into the weekend, a cheer to a rock classic, Roundabout by Yes – but as an acoustic version. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 198

On Politics
A friend was telling me that the “Obama shutdown” of the government might impact an upcoming camping trip – To which I applied, according to the Constitution, Congress is in charge of the budget, so Congress shutdown the government, not the president. It enjoyed using the Constitution on an ardent Republican.

First, it was defund Obamacare, then Republicans shifted to delaying Obamacare; and this week’s focus started with long-term spending. Is there any doubt that the shutdown is nothing more than a game?

Although Speaker Boehner makes a good point each time he says, we have to stop spending more than we take in, I want to ask him this question: Is it OK to not pay for something that you purchased?

If Speaker Boehner is confident the clean Continuing Resolution (CR) doesn’t have the votes to pass (which is contrary to the Democratic view), why not take it to the floor to prove the point?

Yes, I have called my Congressman to say to move forward and end the shutdown – but I imagine my call to that office was in the minority.

While I tried to listen to a recent speak regarding the shutdown from Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA), I had to turn it off within five minutes.

Here are two gems from The Onion: Explaining the government shutdown and providing ideas for ending it.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Man panics after reaching age where parents prematurely started family
Parent charts child’s width on kitchen wall
Radio station begs listens to come down to see guy in tomato costume
Stop sign taking forever to change
Space under boardroom table a complex web of feet massaging genitals
Psychiatrists deeply concerned about 5% of Americans who approve of Congress

Interesting Reads
Walking to see nature
Should websites remove comment sections?
Women and men’s body odor
Banks and deregulation
Love and the taste of food

On Potpourri
I celebrated Pierogies Day and Fluffernutter Day, which means my first-ever Fluffernutter … which may include a dose of chocolate sauce in the future.

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Here’s your upcoming celebrations

  • (Fri) Coming Out Day, Egg Day, Sausage Pizza Day, You Go Girl Day, It’s My Party day
  • (Sat) Free Thought Day, National Day of Spain
  • (Sun) African Penguin Awareness Day, Chess Day (fitting given the past Satire Bits), Yorkshire Pudding Day

Although I do not know many of them, this season’s cast Dancing with the Stars has numerous good dancers.

The handbell choir plays on Sunday, so here’s the arrangement of Be Thou My Vision.

The Kentucky High School Athletic Association recently stated, that teams and individuals do not participate in organized post-game handshake lines/ceremonies beyond that interaction that is required. The rest of the story is that teams can shake hands, but KHSAA is not liable for altercations.

I scheduled for a routine colonoscopy, but I cannot understand why my wife is so excited about it!

Before Time: The Musical continues, I must conclude my interviews for a new producer – candidates provided by the Joseph Stalin/Idi Amin School of Musical Producers.

A Saturday Morning Cartoon is next!

To send you into the weekend, here’s another blast from my post from The Hollies – it’s a Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Dead Monday

How was your weekend? Come on now, time to fess up and tell!

We got some ballroom time. My sister-in-law was in town, but since I was fighting a cold, I stayed home and watched President’s Cup golf and football. One of my favorite college teams continues to do well while the other is going in an unexpected downward direction.

Cincinnati received almost 4 inches (10 cm) of rain since Saturday evening. Meanwhile, as we transition into another season, that means I’ll be attacking leaves for the next 6-8 weeks.

Frappe, pierogies, angel food cake, desserts, fluffernutters, and teddy bears give some of the reasons to celebrate this week, so get your calendar.

  • (Week) Metric Week, Fire Prevention Week, Mental Illness Awareness Week, Mystery Series Week, Carry a Tune Week, Nuclear Medicine Week, Customer Service Week, Fall Astronomy Week, World Rainforest Week, Organize Your Files Week
  • (Mon) You Matter to Me Day, Frappe Day
  • (Tues) Face Your Fears Day, Pierogy Day, Fluffernutter Day
  • (Wed) Top Spinning Day, Emergency Nurses Day, Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day, Chess Day, Dessert Day (Yes!!!)
  • (Thurs) Sight Day, Angel Food Cake Day, Coming Out Day

Enjoy the warped humor of Monty Python to start your week. Have a safe week!

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 197

On Politics
Interesting that Tuesday’s government shutdown coincided with Yosemite National Park’s 123rd anniversary.

As the shutdown neared and ever since, it is interesting to see politicians dodge answering questions more than usual.

A reminder to Congress: Whenever pointing a finger at someone, three are pointing at you.

I wonder if federal workers in Tea Party districts are standing with their representative?

I continue to say the shutdown is a battle between Republicans.

Republicans are offering Democrats an interesting choice: Defund health care or fund everything else.

“If this health care law is forced upon this country, the young men and women in this audience are the ones who are really going to pay the price, and that, I will suggest to you, reaches to the point of being a felony toward them and their future. That is a criminal act, from my perspective, to put that type of burden on them, to mortgage their future like that. America cannot stand that. America cannot accept that.” – Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX)

From http://dictionary.law.comfelony“1) a crime sufficiently serious to be punishable by death or a term in state or federal prison, as distinguished from a misdemeanor which is only punishable by confinement to county or local jail and/or a fine. 2) A crime carrying a minimum term of one year or more in state prison, since a year or less can be served in county jail. However, a sentence upon conviction for a felony may sometimes be less than one year at the discretion of the judge and within limits set by statute. Felonies are sometimes referred to as “high crimes” as described in the U.S. Constitution.”

“America was designed by geniuses so it could be run by idiots.” —Anonymous

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
US Government of the verge of full-scale government hoedown
Company more like family whose members are desperate to join better family
Student reporter hits it out of the park with five accurate sentences
Fantasized argument getting pretty intense
Disgusting shower liner has another three years left in it

Interesting Reads
Quinoa
A book review about Woodrow Wilson
Congress, border sheriffs, and immigration bills
Actual science controversies
From Nicholas Kristof (NY Times) on the shutdown
Madame Weebs takes a bite out of Congress (language alert)
The Onion explains how health insurance exchanges work 

On Potpourri
Ever wonder what tacos, smiles, flutes, noodles, balloons, vodka, and cinnamon rolls have in common?

Did you know that Julius, Leonard, Arthur, Milton, and Herbert were known as Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo?

For me, baseball season is officially over.

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I saw this and immediately thought of El Guapo.

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While in Quebec City, it was interesting to observe reactions when I asked locals about Le Clown. Some bowed, while others brought food, drink, and gifts. Some screamed as they ran away in terror while others simply laughed. smirked, and muttered “Le Clown” and something in French. (They must be the anarchists.)

Reasons to celebrate this weekend

  • (Weekend) Storytelling Weekend, Fallen Firefighters Weekend
  • (Friday) Improve Your Office Day, Taco Day, Ten-Four Day, Vodka Day, World Animal Day, Smile Day, Lee’s Denim Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, Balloons Around the World Day, Toot Your Own Flute Day
  • (Saturday) Card Making Day, Cephalopod Awareness Day, Smile Day, Do Something Nice Day, Apple  Betty Day
  • (Sunday) Change a Light Day, Mad Hatter Day, Diversity Day, Noodle Day

Catching up has been difficult, so if I can get it together, a Saturday morning cartoon feature returns on the next post.

To send you into the weekend, here’s a jazzy song from a rock band during my 70s college days. Enjoy Blue Collar by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.