On Satire Bits: The Finale

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The first post I dedicated to a collection of satire from The Onion was on November 8, 2011. Five weeks later, the second post. The weekly feature started the following month, January 10, 2012. Somewhere along the line, Curmudgeon-at-Large suggested what became the Combo Challenge .. .and the rest is history. (Thanks Mudge!)

The previous post explained a change in this blog’s format … and On Satire Bits is a casualty from the reality stick’s blow. That’s OK, after all, it’s been a good run of 134 posts. A special thanks to The Onion for making it easy.

Before we get on to the final Combo Challenge, a reminder that Meals: The Musical continues with Act 5 featuring Ingredients. Although there is much latitude here, song titles must include herbs, flavorings, spices, and common ingredients that aren’t dishes themselves. Herbs and spices are acceptable on their own. On the other hand, stay away from fruits, vegetables, meats, chocolate, and anything that might cause the producer’s shorts to knot. Curtain time is 9:30 pm (Eastern US) Wednesday.

Although some voluntarily participate creating their own headlines in the small collection in Opinions in the Shorts, the time has come for the final Combo Challenge. For the occasion, some of the headlines below the image are from the first Satire Bits. Make your own headline from the words from the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Thanks again for supporting On Satire Bits, have a good week, and hope to see you at the theater for Act 5.

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Coal lobby warns wind farms may blow Earth off orbit

Adult bookstore to enhance shopping experience with café

An over-the-top Chinese salute to Lady Gaga, with old people

Chickenpox lollipops ineffective

Google “opt-out” feature lets users protect privacy by moving to remote village

Jennifer Lopez comes out with own clothesline line

Facebook increases user control with new ‘Cancel Account’ feature

Tests biased against students who don’t give a shit

Restaurant gives totally unwanted twist to Mexican cuisine

High school student taking rejection from first-choice college in stride as if future not over

Totally unknown guy strolling around your part of office for some reason

Report: Income inequality most apparent during fifth grade classmates birthday party

Parents of crying child must not be any good

Teen makes clever remark in science class

My Combo: Jennifer Lopez crying in adult bookstore over Lady Gaga experience

On Satire Bits: Vol. 129

Hey there? How’s your week going?

Mine has been OK to this point with some errands, visits, phone calls, etc. I cram those into the first part of the week because my part-time job occupies the end of the week. It’s another week without a golf league – but the season is early, so I’m hopeful that some opportunities will become available.

Several times I’ve mentioned that my wife and I are in a Quickstep formation at a local studio. So far, it has been quite the torture for numerous reasons, but we’re trying. Many readers probably do not know much about the dance, so the next post will be about Quickstep.

On to the mid-week satire from The Onion with hopes of delivering a chuckle. Don’t forget the Combo Challenge, which gives you a chance to make your own satirical headline. All you have to do is limit yourself to the world that are in the headlines below the picture. My Combo is at the end.

Any favorites? Have a good rest of the week.

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Scout returns with news from quicker checkout line to the east

Study finds employees most productive they set their own salaries

Area man could have made same meal at home but worse

US Government offers 100 million Americans generous severance deal to leave country

Report: Reuben rated top mid-size sandwich in its class

Woman’s parents accepting of mixed-attractiveness relationship

Report: Mom has plans for tub of whipped cream in fridge – don’t eat it!

Area man only one with problems

Man looks on helplessly as friend tells him story he’s already heard

Mankind tired of having to remind itself of good in the world

Condo board maintains purity of bloodline through generations of intermarriage

My Combo: Rueben looks helplessly at woman’s generous offer to eat whipped cream from mid-size area on man

On Satire Bits: Vol. 127

How’s your week so far? I’ve been using mine to make up for lost time while trying to balance life.

The rain stayed away long enough for me to go into the city for the Opening Day parade. Wow … a lot of people missed work on Monday. The city was buzzing, and the day ended with a dramatic Reds win.

By not posting Tuesday, I was able to get back to visiting. Therefore, I will not post tomorrow, thus Opinions in the Shorts will be the next post.

On to your midweek satire from The Onion. Any favorites below? As with most collections like this, there’s always the Combo Challenge to spark your neurons. For those needing an introduction, create your own satirical headline by using the words (and only those words) that are in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

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Band dreams of one day becoming popular enough to alienate early fans

All cheapest items on wedding registry already purchased

Woman transitioning from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she can’t get pregnant

Navy forms elite SEAL Team to write best-selling tell-all books

Study: Beginning email with short, disingenuous inquiry into personal life best way to network

Scientists require $10 million grant to melt stuff

CIA admits role in 1985 coup to oust David Lee Roth

Consumer entering that awkward age between target demographics

Nation doesn’t know if it can take another bullshit speech about healing

Father-in-law think thank issues one-sentence solution to immigration, unemployment, and crime problems

My Combo: Woman dreams of cheapest way to get David Lee Roth pregnant

On Satire Bits: Vol. 119

Cheers to 2015’s first Wednesday!

How is your week so far? Cincinnati has received a blast of winter, but it’s affecting many in the US. Nonetheless, it’s nothing like last winter!

Time for a test … Do you remember the key words for the week?

Life: The Musical is the next post with Act 15 featuring songs with old, older, oldest, elderly, or aging in the title. Act 15 starts Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US). Two Cautions: 1) “Getting Old” is the theme, so titles as 12 Year Old Boy would be deemed unacceptable because the boy isn’t old. 2) My Old Kentucky Home is unacceptable because I hate the University of Kentucky.

On to your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Which is your favorite? Plus, it’s time for the 2015’s first attempt at the Combination Challenge. For any newbies, from the words (and only those words) in The Onion headlines below the image, create your own, very original headline. My combo is at the end.

Has anyone ridden in a car like these two people? Have a good rest of the week.

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Poll: 80% of Americans would get in vehicle with stranger for chance at new life

Genetics emphatically deny playing any part in area man’s body

Researchers: Quality of sleep may be affected by abandoning family in 1994

Coworkers putting in Herculean effort to sustain conversation for entire commute

Pastor always knew agnostic would come crawling back to church for wedding

Man has only self to blame for what’s in targeted banner

Moronic mailroom worker worked way down from CEO

Hero of the Common Man talks to plumber for entire time while in house

Area mom raving about Phoenix airport

Responsible man sets aside small portion of every paycheck for bank to gamble

Man realizes he’s the only one of college friends falling out of touch

My Combo: Agnostic pastor raving about responsible man abandoning family for moronic hero

On Satire Bits: Vol. 117

It’s midweek and I feel behind for some reason. Oh well, tis the season.

How’s your week so far? Low key for me, but I return to the surgeon tomorrow, so hopefully he removes the stitches (Ouch!) and clears me for normal activity, including dance.

The next post is Act 14 of Life: The Musical with the wide-ranging theme of negative emotions in the song title. Many choices for participants, and I’m very happy with the opening act. The opening act appears at 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

Saturday is the 2014 aFa Holiday Party. Attendees of my past parties know it will go the entire weekend! My friends in Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and the night owls in the New World will be the first to arrive because the festivities start at 3:00 am (Eastern US). Feel free to bring your friends as the gift bags are ready!

Does anyone remember the keyword established when we started the week?

On to your energy boost from the satirists at The Onion. Any favorites? Don’t forget the extra challenge of making your own original headline by using the words in the headlines below. My “combo” is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

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Geneticists debate ethics of cloning humans and forcing them to fight to death in pit for amusement

Marvel reimagines Green Goblin as left-handed

Can anyone challenge Koala for baby-changing station dominance?

Community loses interest 3 days after rallying to save local theater

Person standing far away from burial must have deep, dark secret about deceased

Study: Majority of Americans unprepared for sucker punch to gut

Report: 43% of party invitations unprovoked

Juror way to far into trial to ask about how contusions are now

Workaholic dad misses only one of two accomplishments in unimpressive child’s life

Parents with more vacation time, financial resources want to know when son will come home to visit

My Combo: Unprovoked parents sucker punch unprepared geneticists for deep dark secret about left-handed son forcing workaholic Koala into death pit 

On Satire Bits: Vol. 115

Greetings for cold Cincinnati. Today was a chance to hit a record “cold” … that is, a record lowest high temp for this day in history (21F, -6C). As I write this, I’m not sure if it happened, but given the wind, I stayed in as much as possible today. The good news is that we should see 50 F (10 C) this weekend. How’s the weather in your part of the world?

Although we expected some difficulties, we were surprised to learn that our dance studio is closing at the end of the week, so the process has started on locating a new private instructor. Fortunately, we have resources to ask.

Hooray … most of you seemed to enjoy the previous post about perceptions!

Due to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday in the US, Life: The Musical returns next week at a special time … so I will announce the theme in Friday’s Opinions in the Shorts.

Time for your mid-week boost of satire from The Onion to energize your week. Most of you know the drill, but for those who need encouragement, try the Combo Challenge. That is, make your own new headline from the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

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Farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month

Casino reporting steady profits from slot machine that promises players they will lose

Middle-aged man having best snacks of his life

Bank introduces underdraft fee

Every one of man’s priorities unrecognizable to grandfather

Job applicant totally nails interview with person who will make life a living hell for next 5 years

Horrified Subway execs assumed people were buying footlongs to share with a friend

Housefly drops everything to go stand on watermelon slice

Lunch barely misses man’s vital organs

Man kicking self for wasting valuable plate space at beginning of buffet line

My Combo: Horrified Man promises bank execs his organs as fee for buying fifth buffet

On Satire Bits: Vol. 112

Hey hey hey … How’s your week going? Do you need a dose of mid-week satire as an energy boost? If so .. hold that thought for a few important tidbits.

Life: The Musical starts Wednesday 9:30 pm (Eastern US) with Act 11 featuring Hope, so song titles must include Hope, Hopes, Hoped, Hoping, Hopeless, or Hopelessly in the title. Have you made your selection? Shhhhhh …. don’t tell anyone!

Because Halloween is Friday, The Onion offers these tips for the perfect Halloween party.

The 200,000 hit may happen with this post. Because I doubt it, my guess is during Life: The Musical (Act 11). … but heck, maybe during Opinions in the Shorts.  Whenever, my way of celebrating the occasion is to dive into The Onion’s archives searching for celebration headlines. Which is your favorite?

For those who want to write an original combo, go ahead .. but I struggled because of the nouns and similar verbs. Nonetheless, have a good rest of the week.

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Local couple celebrates anniversary by returning to website where they met

Chessmaster begins celebration several moves before checkmate

Parents at graduation celebrate child’s last accomplishment

Painful reminder celebrates fourth birthday

Larva celebrates ascent into adulthood with Bar-Moltzvah

Christianity celebrates one billionth unanswered prayer

White Castle bathroom stall celebrates fifth conception

Canvas shopping bag celebrates third year on doorknob

New hospital celebrates grand opening with free health-insurance samples

Team celebrates eighth straight loss by emptying garbage can contents on coach

Tiger Woods adds celebration where he slowing licks a putter shaft

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