On Satire Bits: Vol. 106

Happy Hump Day to all. How’s your week going so far?

Since returning from the weekend trip, I’ve returned to my water superintendent duties for our building … which means I move hoses and sprinklers for several hours as our we and another couple in our building are assisting the builder so we can get a green grass environment … Plus, I’m trying to catch up on my blogging from the missed weekend.

Just returned from the golf course, and I was happy with my overall play tonight. Rest of the week has a variety of events scheduled, along with more watering. Then again, maybe mother nature will help out with some natural rain.

Because I haven’t given an eye update in some time, the issue still exists … but all is stable. I don’t see the retina specialist for another 5 weeks, so unless something drastic happens between now and then, it’s wait and see.

Moving on to your midweek dose of satire, as usual, the satirical headlines below are courtesy of The Onion. I’m always curious to discover when you have a favorite. For those ready to accept the extra challenge, create your own “combo” headline by using only the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

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Criminal prosecuted to fullest extent of budget

Meat prices skyrocket after cow smashing machine gets all beefed up

Legal Dream Team of co-workers counsel woman on strategy for speeding ticket

Friend takes liberty of ordering $40 of appetizers for entire table

Elderly man can’t wait for senility to erase lifetime of regretful memories

Each line of MasterCard billing statement evokes infuriating vacation memory

Two dozen restaurant patrons made violently ill from marriage proposal

Area idea so crazy it just might work

Snowden: NSA agents pass around nude photos

Report confirms no need to make new chairs for the time being

My Combo: Legal Dream Team prosecuted crazy cow for speeding and smashing nude elderly man in new chair

On Satire Bits: Vol. 105

Cincinnati is currently getting a second dose of abnormally wonderful weather for July. Warm and sunny days with low humidity followed by cool evening temperatures. The other day we had a record low (52 F, 11 C)! As one who doesn’t enjoy high temperatures with high humidity, I could take this all the time!!!

Reminder – Life: The Musical (Act 8) takes to the stage on Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern, US) featuring songs with Man/Men or Woman/Women in the title. Good news … the choices are many!

It appears the golf course my wife and I have been playing regularly for the past 25 years (or so) will be closing at the end of this golf season due to financial difficulties. It’s understandable and the right thing to do, yet sad and unfortunate.

The marketing folks at GEICO have another version of the Hump Day Camel for you to enjoy, but this one is specific for movie theater attendees.

In order to get you through the rest of the week, it’s time for your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Any favorites? As is normal custom here, those desiring an extra challenge can develop their own headline by using any combination from the headlines below. “My combo” is at the end

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Increasingly anxious man worried order confirmation email never going to come

Karate studio hoping to get local phone number that spells Kick or Chop

Man unaware all his friends think of him when they want to put things in perspective

Last-ditch dating website asks users to check “Yes” if they have open sores

Study: More couples delaying divorce until kids old enough to remember every painful moment

New Department of Agriculture study finds 85% of US farmers woefully kicking the dirt

God’s will only thing keeping AC unit in window

Report finds more Americans putting off children until companies are ready

Conversations pretty limited when friend not in midst of crisis

Man regrets straying from sour cream and onion potato chips

My Combo: Last-ditch website hoping anxious man delays putting off children until Department of Agriculture check open sores from sour cream and onion potato chips

On Satire Bits: Vol. 96

How’s your week going so far? The long weekend helped put my blogging endeavors behind schedule. Then there is the continually challenges at the new address. Oh well … stuff happens.

After a delightful weekend, high humidity has arrived. YUK! I hate it … but it’s still better than this past winter. Meanwhile, my golf game is steady, plus  handbell season ends in two weeks.

Dive into the extra challenge by using the words in the headlines below to form your own original headline. ‘My Combo” is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

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Brutally honest new Revlon campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are

Music in bar could stand to be louder, worse

Tiger always checked-out at local zoo

NASA discovers that Earth might be what its been searching for all along

Deeply held conviction dropped after friend half-heartedly disagrees

James Cameron says future of movies will be watching them from his lap

Woman a leading authority on what shouldn’t be in poor people’s grocery cart

Report: Average American has just about 28% of what it takes

Bus rider acting like fight not happening four feet away

Wedding DJ assures anxious man he hasn’t forgotten “Build Me Up Buttercup” request

My Combo: At local bar with loud music, brutally honest James Cameron requests “Build Me Up Buttercup” and half-heartedly checked-out leading woman for his movies from his lap

On Satire Bits: Vol. 86

Unbelievably, a warm wave has bestowed itself upon Cincinnati. In order to accommodate the melting water, over the past two days I’ve chipped away at the ice blocking the water flow … and hooray … it’s moving! The rest of the week will also provide some rain … maybe even storms … so now I wonder when the flood waters will arrive. Although I’m high and dry, I grew up in a river town that flooded.

The phone has dominated my last two days with necessary conversations with movers, utilities, our accountant (it’s tax season), banks, deliveries, and others. When I’m on hold, I kill time by packing some items.

Enough of my week, how’s yours going?

For those needing a chuckle, here’s your mid-week collection of satire courtesy of The Onion. For the daring, rise to the occasion of using the information in these headlines to form a new headline. My combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

Man doesn’t need to have fun to drink

Local company now 95% interns

Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on West

Man doesn’t know how parents ever going to payoff massive student loan debt

Man upset with girlfriend changes profile picture back to truck

Parents finally cave in and buy 33-year-old son PlayStation 1

Lunch rebuilds friendship ruined at last lunch

Report: Fritz a fine name for a boy

Man confidently hits “Send” on worst job application company ever saw

Individuals unaware they constitute area man’s support network

Man unknowingly purchases lifetime supply of condoms

My Combo: Fritz the Buddhist vows tranquility with lifetime supply of condoms

On Satire Bits: Vol. 66

How’s your week going? A few days of fabulous weather has blessed Cincinnati, so golf was wonderful tonight. If was cloudy, comfortable temps, played with good people, and I played very well.

Otherwise, I’ve been keeping busy enough to cut into my blog visits. 😦 Plus, we received notification that handbell rehearsals start in 3 weeks!

On to your mid-week dose of satire. I’m breaking tradition this week as these are not from The Onion. Well, I wrote these about readers here. Do you know any of these bloggers? Are you one of the ten? Go ahead, make your guesses, but I will return later with the answers in a comment.

Have a good rest of the week.

1) Local Promotes Establishing Peaceful Zones on LA Rush-Hour Freeway

2) Northern Virginia Blogger Warns Against Washington Becoming Political

3) Canadian Proclaims All Trademarks, Patents, and Copyrights Throughout the World are His upon Request

4) New NYC Tour Operator Creates Giving the Finger Tour

5) Photographer Revealed to be Alien Squirrel

6) Artist Admit to Psych Ward for Producing Drawing without Breasts, Faces, or Sexual Innuendos

7) Blogger Wins World Chortling Championship

8) Stunt Enthusiast Preparing to Surf Mudslide

9) NYC Tree Decorator Uses Bag Lady as Ornament

10) Flash in Pan – not genetics or coloring – Changes Hair to Red

On Satire Bits: Vol. 59

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I couldn’t resist using that video again this week.

How has your week so far? Have you had pleasant weather?

Tonight’s golf game was a feast-or-famine 9-hole event. I finished +7, but had four double bogeys (each +2). Simply bizarre.

By the way, a reminder that the next post is Time – The Musical: Act 3 featuring year(s).

For this week’s mid-week dose of satire, I dived into The Onion’s vault of treasures searching restaurants. Given the results, I decided to focus on restaurant chains, plus limit each chain with one headline. I even listed them in alphabetical order. Any favorites?

Have a good rest of the week.

Applebee’s manager stops by to see how takeout is going

Arby’s charging $2.99 to let customers go behind counters, grab handfuls of roast beef

Burger King introduces new healthy deep-steamed french fries

Chick-Fil-A debuts homophobic sandwich

Chuck E Cheese announces new lower prices, but restaurants will be dirtier

Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell/Long John Silver’s opens

KFC introduces new family-size nugget

McDonald’s unveils new senior citizens play place

New Starbucks open in restroom of existing Starbucks

Olive Garden server covered in sauce sprayed from customer’s mouth

Orange Julius officials ordered to appear before US Food Court

Ponderosa Steakhouse fire claims lives of millions of bacteria

Red Lobster taking up Vanguard in fight against women in the workplace

Taco Bell launches Morning-After Burrito

Wendy’s to phase out unpopular hamburger sandwich

On Satire Bits: Vol. 54

How’s your week going so far? I’ve got a lot of little things on my plate, so my visits are limited … and I don’t see much changing the rest of the week.

Tuesday night was golf night. Although my wife told me that it was one of her worst games in some time, I had a good one – which was a good bounce-back from last week’s horrible round.

On to the mid-week dose of satire. Do you have any favorites? Can you develop your own headline using any combination of the info below? My combination is at the end. Have a good rest of the week!

Barber just latest in string of humans to find interest in what area man says

Boyfriend forced to express second-hand outrage

Battle of wits with unwieldly burrito nears thrilling end game

Mother considers son “Quite the little Cassanova”

No one in gang has heart to tell his police informant his cover’s blown

Mom calmly emptying dishwasher as if big argument didn’t happen 10 minutes ago

Rigorous battery of tests unable to determine if roommate broke up with girlfriend

Company immediately calls job applicant upon seeing “BA in Communications” on resume

Boyfriend forced to express secondhand outrage

Attorney friends catch up while briskly walking down courthouse steps

Bizarre assemblage of shapes visible through area man’s pockets

Evidence piling up Mom slept with one of her college professors

My Combo: Bizarre girlfriend unable to determine unwieldly burrito in boyfriend’s pockets