On Satire Bits: Vol. 124

It’s been cold this week in Cincinnati – but at least I’m thankful that we haven’t received the snow continues to dump on the northeastern US. In the past 17 days, Boston has received 70+ inches (177+ cm)? That’s crazy! … and more is anticipated Friday and Sunday.

Life: The Musical official concludes on the next post. The epilogue focuses on life as whole, so submit songs that are about life, and hopefully special to you in some way … and I hope you will briefly share the why behind you choice. In other words, this is a chance to post a song about life that is important to you. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 PM (Eastern US).

For your mid-week satire to propel you toward the weekend, I ventures into the depths of The Onion’s archival vault. Given yesterday’s post about education, I cleared the dust on many good ones. Any favorites? There’s also the Combo Challenge of making your own original headline from the words in the headlines below. For those wanting the extra challenge, try making a headline that’s not about education. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Teacher hopes students can tell that he was once popular

Substitute teacher totally freaks

Gym teacher secretly hates nerds

Frustrated inner-city students running out of ideas to motivate teachers

Male substitute teacher cloaked in mystery

Nation’s substitute teachers what to know who threw that

Inspirational teacher cancelled out by every other teacher at school

Teacher’s sense of humor comes through in multiple-choice test

Gym teacher ensures students that bouncing wiffle balls on a parachute is a sport

Risk champ flunks geography test

French teacher informs student to tell her about the bathroom fire in French

Creative writing teacher announces plan to sit on edge of desk

Teacher sees potential in student with glasses

My Combo: Nerds motivate creative freaks to throw at balls of frustrated male

On Satire Bits: Vol. 120

Happy Midweek from chilly Cincinnati. Brrrr … but at least it’s not as cold as it was … and warmer weather is on the way. To those to my north, I know it’s colder for you, and we northerners envy the southerners and those in the southern hemisphere.

I just saw the movie Selma. I hope to post about it soon, but the bottom line is that I recommend the movie.

Some of you may recall that our dance studio closed. Fortunately for us, another studio picked up our lessons with no strings attached. Because we had already paid for them, that’s huge. At the new venue, so far, so good. My wife was out tonight, so I went to a group class for basic steps of bachata. It’s not me, but that it was fun to try. For the curious, here’s a video of steps with the basics. Then again, this couple is smokin’ with more advanced steps.

On to your midweek collection of satire from The Onion. Which of these give you the biggest chuckle? For those desiring a challenge, make your own original satirical headline by using only the words in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

Area man self-conscious about the wrong things

Man too exhausted to repress both anger and sadness

After careful thought, teen applies to college where family donating building

Man’s whole job undoing handiwork of self-checkout machine

New census study finds that 40% of US population is filler

Restaurant patrons rapidly losing faith parents going to do something about 4-year old

Delicate little man kept awake all night by having coffee after 4 pm

Job applicant blows away interviewer with intimate knowledge of company’s About Us page

Report: 79% of world’s attics remain unexplored

Man’s heart stopped as speaker asks audience to turn to person next to them

Four angels banished from heaven for attempting to unionize

Crowd outside of White House hoping to catch glimpse of President naked

My Combo: Restaurant banishes patrons for intimate antics with coffee machine

On Satire Bits: Vol. 119

Cheers to 2015’s first Wednesday!

How is your week so far? Cincinnati has received a blast of winter, but it’s affecting many in the US. Nonetheless, it’s nothing like last winter!

Time for a test … Do you remember the key words for the week?

Life: The Musical is the next post with Act 15 featuring songs with old, older, oldest, elderly, or aging in the title. Act 15 starts Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US). Two Cautions: 1) “Getting Old” is the theme, so titles as 12 Year Old Boy would be deemed unacceptable because the boy isn’t old. 2) My Old Kentucky Home is unacceptable because I hate the University of Kentucky.

On to your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion. Which is your favorite? Plus, it’s time for the 2015’s first attempt at the Combination Challenge. For any newbies, from the words (and only those words) in The Onion headlines below the image, create your own, very original headline. My combo is at the end.

Has anyone ridden in a car like these two people? Have a good rest of the week.

Poll: 80% of Americans would get in vehicle with stranger for chance at new life

Genetics emphatically deny playing any part in area man’s body

Researchers: Quality of sleep may be affected by abandoning family in 1994

Coworkers putting in Herculean effort to sustain conversation for entire commute

Pastor always knew agnostic would come crawling back to church for wedding

Man has only self to blame for what’s in targeted banner

Moronic mailroom worker worked way down from CEO

Hero of the Common Man talks to plumber for entire time while in house

Area mom raving about Phoenix airport

Responsible man sets aside small portion of every paycheck for bank to gamble

Man realizes he’s the only one of college friends falling out of touch

My Combo: Agnostic pastor raving about responsible man abandoning family for moronic hero

On Satire Bits: Vol. 118

Hello mid-week! How’s your week going?

I had a post ready, but then thought about how busy many are at this time, so I decided to go into slow-down mode. No post tomorrow, but Opinion in the Shorts will end the week. Next week, I’ll have several posts, then after Christmas, I hope to have an Explore series together – that is, light posts on a single topic to enjoy and learning.

The videos are two acts that didn’t get a chance to perform at the holiday party, so at least they get a chance to help with your mid-week boost. Did you watch/listen to either?

Because the rat-race that this time of year brings to many, I didn’t even do a combo … but hey – at least your mid-week dose of satire from The Onion is below. For the joys of the female readers, the headlines feature men … so come on ladies, which one tickled your funny bone?

Have a good rest of the week.

Phone call with Dad just watered-down version of phone call with Mom

Man somehow thinks he doesn’t have enough alone time

Man’s family raises to record-high fourth priority

Area man locked in protracted battle with sweatshirt neckhole

Man sort of curious what his last straw will be

Man scolded by brother-in-law for not taking better advantage of open bar

Man wants just one trip to laundromat where he doesn’t meet perfect woman

Man going to trust society’s determination that he deserves his privilege

Man trying to enter conversation spends several minutes smiling and nodding at the edge of circle

Man announces pan to take out anger on first less-powerful person he sees

On Satire Bits: Vol. 117

It’s midweek and I feel behind for some reason. Oh well, tis the season.

How’s your week so far? Low key for me, but I return to the surgeon tomorrow, so hopefully he removes the stitches (Ouch!) and clears me for normal activity, including dance.

The next post is Act 14 of Life: The Musical with the wide-ranging theme of negative emotions in the song title. Many choices for participants, and I’m very happy with the opening act. The opening act appears at 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

Saturday is the 2014 aFa Holiday Party. Attendees of my past parties know it will go the entire weekend! My friends in Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and the night owls in the New World will be the first to arrive because the festivities start at 3:00 am (Eastern US). Feel free to bring your friends as the gift bags are ready!

Does anyone remember the keyword established when we started the week?

On to your energy boost from the satirists at The Onion. Any favorites? Don’t forget the extra challenge of making your own original headline by using the words in the headlines below. My “combo” is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week!

Geneticists debate ethics of cloning humans and forcing them to fight to death in pit for amusement

Marvel reimagines Green Goblin as left-handed

Can anyone challenge Koala for baby-changing station dominance?

Community loses interest 3 days after rallying to save local theater

Person standing far away from burial must have deep, dark secret about deceased

Study: Majority of Americans unprepared for sucker punch to gut

Report: 43% of party invitations unprovoked

Juror way to far into trial to ask about how contusions are now

Workaholic dad misses only one of two accomplishments in unimpressive child’s life

Parents with more vacation time, financial resources want to know when son will come home to visit

My Combo: Unprovoked parents sucker punch unprepared geneticists for deep dark secret about left-handed son forcing workaholic Koala into death pit 

On Satire Bits: Vol. 115

Greetings for cold Cincinnati. Today was a chance to hit a record “cold” … that is, a record lowest high temp for this day in history (21F, -6C). As I write this, I’m not sure if it happened, but given the wind, I stayed in as much as possible today. The good news is that we should see 50 F (10 C) this weekend. How’s the weather in your part of the world?

Although we expected some difficulties, we were surprised to learn that our dance studio is closing at the end of the week, so the process has started on locating a new private instructor. Fortunately, we have resources to ask.

Hooray … most of you seemed to enjoy the previous post about perceptions!

Due to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday in the US, Life: The Musical returns next week at a special time … so I will announce the theme in Friday’s Opinions in the Shorts.

Time for your mid-week boost of satire from The Onion to energize your week. Most of you know the drill, but for those who need encouragement, try the Combo Challenge. That is, make your own new headline from the words in the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

Farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month

Casino reporting steady profits from slot machine that promises players they will lose

Middle-aged man having best snacks of his life

Bank introduces underdraft fee

Every one of man’s priorities unrecognizable to grandfather

Job applicant totally nails interview with person who will make life a living hell for next 5 years

Horrified Subway execs assumed people were buying footlongs to share with a friend

Housefly drops everything to go stand on watermelon slice

Lunch barely misses man’s vital organs

Man kicking self for wasting valuable plate space at beginning of buffet line

My Combo: Horrified Man promises bank execs his organs as fee for buying fifth buffet

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 237

On Politics
This week’s senseless horrors in Ottawa, Canada is just another reminder of our crazy world. My heart goes out to my northern neighbors.

Not that I don’t think Ebola is serious, but I do wonder how much of the fear and discussion is politically driven.

People are undoubtedly disgusted with members of Congress, and there’s no doubt in my mind that many voters will cast a vote against a candidate rather than for a candidate. Unfortunately, others believe both parties are pathetic, thus will stay home because it doesn’t really matter who wins.

Many of the ads of Grimes-McConnell race for the Kentucky Senate seat focus on coal. Interestingly, the coal industry accounts for 1% of Kentucky jobs, plus has been in decline for over 40 years.

Midterm elections in the US usually don’t get much interest from the voters. Nonetheless, outside groups are spending around $4 BILLION dollars on the election.

This is interesting to ponder, but nothing one can do about it … but still interesting. Given the top leaders in Congress (Boehner, Pelosi, Reid, and McConnell) – If you could get rid of 3 (thus only keep 1), who would you keep? Who do you think I would keep? (My answer next week)

Cheers to The Onion for these election headlines

  • New election rules allows candidates to remain completely anonymous throughout campaign
  • Populist candidate gaining support among underrepresented corporations
  • Bitter concession speeches only thing Americans looking forward to in upcoming elections

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Man coasting through life entirely on benefit of doubt
Hazmat worker sees no reason to throw away all this perfectly good food
Pueblo Indians can’t keep pace with area woman’s appetite for earthenware
New census study finds 40% of US population is filler

The Onion’s infographic about tracking Ebola in the US 

Cake left in breakroom without instructions (photo below)

Photo from The Onion (theonion.com)

Photo from The Onion (theonion.com)

Interesting Reads
How to keep your health-care costs in check in 2015
Ebola and the epidemics of the past
(video) Blue eyes: Endangered and on the road to extinction?
How nature sparkles … literally sparkles
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WS) on poverty
The first Olympics games following WW II: London 1948

On Potpourri
I watch my share of CNN, so imagine my surprise when I learned that CNN and HLN are no longer on my system due to contract negotiations.

One of local college basketball players is known for his big hands … hands measuring 11.75 in (30 cm) from thumb to pinky, and 10.25 in (26 cm) from palm to tip of middle finger. Undoubtedly, that’s a big hand!

10 children, 16 grandchildren, 29 great grandchildren, one great-great grandchild, 73 years of marriage, and they died 28 hours apart. Read this touching story about a Cincinnati couple.

Here’s an update on the two local athletic stories that are getting national attention because of cancer. The Bengals have sold about 15,000 jerseys of Devon Still’s #75 … that’s $1.5 million dollars to fight pediatric cancer. Across town we find Lauren Hill, the college freshman hoping to play in one college basketball game before she dies from the inoperable Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma (DIPG). Her small college accepted Xavier University’s offer to use their arena for the game, and Tuesday the public responded by buying over 10,000 tickets less than an hour – that is a sell out. (Story)

I anticipate reaching a milestone sometime next week. Stay tuned!

We saw the movie Gone Girl this week. Whew .. talk about two people deserving each other!

Speaking of next week, I hope to raise the curtain on Act 11 of Life: The Musical next week, which also means I will announce the theme in the next Monday Morning Entertainment.

No Saturday Morning Cartoon this week because I don’t have one ready! :(

Your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Food Day, Bologna day, Sour Day, Black Cat Day, World Development Information Day, UN Day
  • (Sat) Cartoonists Against Crime Day, Chuckie the Notorious Killer Doll Day, Pasta Day, Make a Difference Day, Greasy Foods Day, Sourest Day, Pit Bull Awareness Day, Punk-for-a-Day Day
  • (Sun) Mother-in-Law Day, Mule Day, Visit a Cemetery Day, Privacy Day, Mincemeat Day, Horseless Carriage Day

Last weekend was the first of two weddings for us to attend, so those events made me think of this rock song from the early 80s … White Wedding (Billy Idol). Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.