On Satire Bits: Vol. 85 – The Valentine’s Edition

The cold still has a grip on the much of the northern US, thus in the battle of groundhogs, Phil’s prediction is (at the moment) looking better than Chuck’s. It has also been a week the southeastern US received another dose of ice and snow while the northwest is dealing with the aftermath from the Pineapple Express.

One last reminder – The next post marks the debut of Life: The Musical. Get your songs ready with titles that include life, living, alive, lived, or live (that rhymes with give, not five). Curtain time is 9:30 pm (Eastern US) Wednesday.

With Valentine’s Day looming large on Friday’s calendar, I rummaged around archive vaults at The Onion to find appropriate head-shakers for your mid-week dose of satire. Any favorites? Yep, I’m staying away from a combo. 😉 Have a good rest of the week!

Annual Valentine’s Day stoning of happy couple held

Man born on Valentine’s Day only gets half the sex

From 123holidays.org

From 123holidays.org

Valentine’s Day coming a little early in relationship

Going out is too much hassle

Heart-shaped tub clogged again

Morning after romantic night ruined by sight of rose petals stuck to sweaty husband’s back

Romantic hostage negotiator offers bank robbers moon, stars

Girlfriend dumped after Valentine-candy-related weight gain

More vegetables evolving chocolate-sauce-filled-centers as evolutionary imperative

Romanic evening squandered on spouse

20,000 tons of pubic hair trimmed in preparation of Valentine’s Day

Onion References

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 210

On Politics
When listening to the party-spin about the recently released Congressional Budget Office (CBO) report, it’s easy to get the impression that there were two reports … not one.

Lyle Denniston, a respected writer about the US Supreme Court, provides this interesting piece about executive orders.

Lee Hamilton, the respected former Congressman from southeastern Indiana, wrote this interesting op-ed regarding Congress and budgets.

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Super Bowl packs up, leaves town in 40-wagon train
Man on vacation suddenly realizes no one feeding his hostages
New chip snack evades digestive system, burrows straight to heart
Area woman said “Sorry” 118 times yesterday
Nation terrified after millions lose consciousness for 8 hours last night

Interesting Reads
Columnist David Brooks on what machines cannot do
Shapes and names
How to talk about evolution with family
The first battle of Isonzo in WW I
Darwin’s Pigeons slideshow
Physics of freezing rain
Interesting graph of US labor force demographics

On Potpourri
Bad News: Punxsutawney Phil prognosticates 6 more weeks of winter.

Good News: Buckeye Chuck says spring is around the corner.

TBD News: Who is right? So far, and with the 7-day forecast, it’s Phil.

A tip of the cap to Jay Leno, who after 4,600 shows and almost 44,000 jokes, leaves the Tonight Show. Interesting, his number one joke target (by far) is Bill Clinton.

Last week I wrote the following: The anticipated debate between science advocate Bill Nye and Answers in Genesis President Ken Ham is approaching, and no doubt will deliver a narrow view, thus providing a false choice. Several days later, the Cincinnati Enquirer supported my point with the following headline on its Sunday front page: Bible! Science! Who Will Win? : It’s creationism vs. evolution as Answers in Genesis founder Ken Ham debates Bill Nye, TV’s Science Guy.

I did not watch the debate, but I trust this review from the team at BioLogos.

Given any unforeseen circumstances, the opening act of Life: The Musical will be next Thursday Wednesday at 9:30 pm (Eastern US). I will announce the theme on Monday.

It’s a handbell Sunday for us. The director moved me to the biggest bells for this tune, which are quite heavy. Because I didn’t find a good video of this song, enjoy this quality recording.

Thanks to everyone who visits here knowing my time for reciprocating is currently very limited.

Here are your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Wear Red Day, Bubblegum Day, Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day, Ballet Day, Girl Scout Cookie Day, Cordova Ice Worm Day, Pinocchio Day, Send a Card to a Friend Day
  • (Sat) Laugh and Get Rich Day, Opera Day, Fly a Kite Day
  • (Sun) Man Day, Autism Day, Read in the Bathtub Day, Stop Bullying Day, Toothache Day, Hershey Chocolate Day

Here’s another throwback from the 80s to lead us into the weekend. It’s not about the weather, but the title is fitting for many of us in the central and eastern US. Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 206

On Politics
The holiday was a good break from the goofy world of politics. Even in that setting, microphones have a way of keeping the idiots in the news.

Speaking of goofy, I saw CNN’s interview with Dennis Rodman in North Korea live, and he actually makes Nincompoop seem sensible.

To me, the recent Bridgegate episode involving the New Jersey Governor’s office is an example of abuse of power for political gain.

This week’s preview of Robert Gates’ upcoming book was interesting. Here’s an interesting commentary by a visitor here, so thank you Jim Wheeler.

One way governors (primarily Republican) balance the state budget is by keeping money that would have gone elsewhere in the state. This recent Cincinnati Enquirer editorial is a good read. (Note: Southwestern Ohio is strongly Republican.)

On This Week’s Headlines from The Onion
Mannequin must think he’s pretty hot
Girlfriend overdoses on lotion
Beijing air solidifies
Man unknowingly purchased lifetime supply of condoms
Pizza Hut unveils new cheesed-stuffed delivery guy
Scientists believe hockey players communicate by banging sticks against boards
Man on first date cunningly leaves behind one of his fingers in woman’s house

Interesting Reads
Columnist David Ignatius on a perspective about national despair
About political independents in America
The Odessa (Ukraine) Catacombs
About the inventor of leaded gasoline and chlorofluorocarbons
A bit of Churchill

On Potpourri
Because winter is not yet over, The Onion’s tips for keeping warm are excellent.

Recently, (thanks to a tip from Alex) just below our crescent-shaped moon was a crescent-shaped Venus. See this wonderful image from NASA that I found.

Special thanks to my top five commenters: Elyse @ Fifty-Four and a Half, Rich @ BrainSnorts, Lame @ Lame Adventures, Marina @ Arts Towards a Happy Day, and GingerFightBack @ GingerFightBack. For those interested in annual reports, here’s mine.

For me, it’s been a very busy time, thus why I haven’t been visiting as much as I like.

Sorry – no cartoon post tomorrow because there is simply too much on my plate. However, I will aim for next Saturday.

This week delivered the final act of Time: The Musical. The applause was a roar, but I saw a few tears as guest were leaving. Just for those who stick around for the movie credits and the occasional extra nugget, a prologue is coming soon.

For those wondering, yes – a new musical is on the horizon – but the theme remains TBA (to be announced).

Here are your weekend celebrations

  • (Fri) Peculiar People Day, Bittersweet Chocolate Day, Cut Your Energy Costs Day
  • (Sat) Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day, Hot Toddy Day, Secret Pal Day, Fruitcake Toss Day (again, but I like them!)
  • (Sun) Feast of the Fabulous Wild Men, Marzipan Day

In honor of a Saturday celebration, this song was a hit in 1967 – and yes, I remember it! It’s .– . … – . .-. -. / ..- -. .. — -. / -… -.– / – …. . / ..-. .. …- . / .- — . .-. .. -.-. .- -. … By the way, what’s your name in Morse code? Click here to find out. I’m ..-. .-. .- -. -.-

Have a safe weekend and in the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire Bits: Vol. 79

How’s your week going so far? Between funeral expenses, a plumber, and car repairs, I’ve been on a spending free of the unwanted kind. Good news is that I got three good hours of volunteering in this week.

Time: The Musical raises its curtain again on Wednesday at 9:30 pm (Eastern US). This act features Future Time, so song titles must include Future or reference the future, which allows room for creativity. However Tonight will is not acceptable.

My mind has been a little haywire recently, but the final act will be in January, followed by a prologue – therefore a new musical could debut in February!

On personal blogging note, about 4 hours ago (at 5:25 pm, Eastern US Tuesday), WordPress notified me that the last post (On Palaver) will be the Editor’s Pick for Freshly Pressed – but I don’t know when.

Let’s get on to your midweek dose of satire from The Onion. For those wanting an extra challenge, use the words in the headlines below to create your own headline. My combo is listed at the end. Otherwise, which is your favorite?

Have a good rest of the week.

25-ft-tall Asian women remain underrepresented in the media

Nation’s single men announce plan to change bedsheets by 2019

Girl with pink hair browsing iguanas

Personal trainer has desk

New skin cream to do something

CEO has special knack for recognizing great ideas and ruining them

Town nervously welcomes veteran back home

Friendly wildfire comes right up to Yosemite camper’s tent

Sleeping middle-aged businessman in airport suddenly so child-like, so vulnerable

Family’s horrific 45-minute screaming match ends in consensus to go to Macaroni Grill

Study: Average person becomes unhinged psychotic when alone in own house

Marketing department under impression Keebler elves are beloved part of American culture

My Combo: Underrepresented psychotic elves become unhinged personal trainers with pink skin

On Satire Bits: Vol. 76

Mid-week has arrived, so how’s it going? I’ve already tackled the leaves this week and figure to go another round this weekend.

Handbell rehearsal was interesting because our music binders were considerably thinner, but the upcoming holiday season always involves much preparation.

Good news is that a video of our handbell choir’s premier of the commissioned song is now available, so I hope to work it into a post next week. Plus, my mother-in-law strength keeps improving, so we’re hoping she returns home by week’s end.

It’s satire time from The Onion, and the combination challenge returns – so sharpen your wits to use the information below to develop your headline. Mine is at the end of the post. Otherwise, what’s your favorite?

Politician excited, proud to attend local event

Man takes free thing he doesn’t want

Total hunk sitting over by plant

Fog machine heightens dance at children’s recital

Local man would like fries with that

Picture at party comes out great

Stupid thing didn’t work

Woman at supermarket imagines entire narrative where bagger is happy with life

Area man perfectly content with role of another cog in the wheel

Naturalist retreat ends in a boner

My combo: Stupid politician excited, but boner didn’t work