On Satire Bits: The Finale

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The first post I dedicated to a collection of satire from The Onion was on November 8, 2011. Five weeks later, the second post. The weekly feature started the following month, January 10, 2012. Somewhere along the line, Curmudgeon-at-Large suggested what became the Combo Challenge .. .and the rest is history. (Thanks Mudge!)

The previous post explained a change in this blog’s format … and On Satire Bits is a casualty from the reality stick’s blow. That’s OK, after all, it’s been a good run of 134 posts. A special thanks to The Onion for making it easy.

Before we get on to the final Combo Challenge, a reminder that Meals: The Musical continues with Act 5 featuring Ingredients. Although there is much latitude here, song titles must include herbs, flavorings, spices, and common ingredients that aren’t dishes themselves. Herbs and spices are acceptable on their own. On the other hand, stay away from fruits, vegetables, meats, chocolate, and anything that might cause the producer’s shorts to knot. Curtain time is 9:30 pm (Eastern US) Wednesday.

Although some voluntarily participate creating their own headlines in the small collection in Opinions in the Shorts, the time has come for the final Combo Challenge. For the occasion, some of the headlines below the image are from the first Satire Bits. Make your own headline from the words from the headlines below. My Combo is at the end.

Thanks again for supporting On Satire Bits, have a good week, and hope to see you at the theater for Act 5.

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Coal lobby warns wind farms may blow Earth off orbit

Adult bookstore to enhance shopping experience with café

An over-the-top Chinese salute to Lady Gaga, with old people

Chickenpox lollipops ineffective

Google “opt-out” feature lets users protect privacy by moving to remote village

Jennifer Lopez comes out with own clothesline line

Facebook increases user control with new ‘Cancel Account’ feature

Tests biased against students who don’t give a shit

Restaurant gives totally unwanted twist to Mexican cuisine

High school student taking rejection from first-choice college in stride as if future not over

Totally unknown guy strolling around your part of office for some reason

Report: Income inequality most apparent during fifth grade classmates birthday party

Parents of crying child must not be any good

Teen makes clever remark in science class

My Combo: Jennifer Lopez crying in adult bookstore over Lady Gaga experience

On Satire Bits: Vol. 132

Hooray … the front has passed through, thus the backside will deliver several days of optimal weather. Simply fabulous … and this is great golf weather. Too bad I struggled in my last round.

Meals: The Musical is the next post. Act 4 features Meat, so song titles must include meat(s) or any meat commonly served. Caution against using animal(s) or any specific animal unless the specific animal appears on a typical menu. For instance, thumbs down to pig(s), but sausage, bacon, pork, and ham are acceptable. Seafood items are unacceptable. Curtain time is Wednesday, 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

Now for your mid-week boost in satire to lead you toward the weekend. Not only cheers to The Onion for their wonderful headlines, but don’t forget the Combo Challenge where you construct an original headline with the words from The Onion headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Any favorites below?

Have a good rest of the week. Hope to see you at the theater for Act 4.

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Houseguest asks if host has blanket that’s never been washed he can use

Area woman can’t wait to get home and take-off uncomfortable persona

Study: Best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing with red marker

Barber’s paunch keeping touching customer

College encourages lively exchange of ideas

New poll finds 74% of Americans would be comfortable blaming female president for problems

Man always carries gun in case he need to escalate situation

Report: Majority of Earth’s potable water trapped in Coca Cola products

Man thinks going to Vegas for things other than gambling somehow less sad

Troubling report finds dreamingly sliding down back of door after kissing date on porch plummets 78%

My Combo: Area female finds gun in barber’s paunch

On Satire Bits: Vol. 129

Hey there? How’s your week going?

Mine has been OK to this point with some errands, visits, phone calls, etc. I cram those into the first part of the week because my part-time job occupies the end of the week. It’s another week without a golf league – but the season is early, so I’m hopeful that some opportunities will become available.

Several times I’ve mentioned that my wife and I are in a Quickstep formation at a local studio. So far, it has been quite the torture for numerous reasons, but we’re trying. Many readers probably do not know much about the dance, so the next post will be about Quickstep.

On to the mid-week satire from The Onion with hopes of delivering a chuckle. Don’t forget the Combo Challenge, which gives you a chance to make your own satirical headline. All you have to do is limit yourself to the world that are in the headlines below the picture. My Combo is at the end.

Any favorites? Have a good rest of the week.

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Scout returns with news from quicker checkout line to the east

Study finds employees most productive they set their own salaries

Area man could have made same meal at home but worse

US Government offers 100 million Americans generous severance deal to leave country

Report: Reuben rated top mid-size sandwich in its class

Woman’s parents accepting of mixed-attractiveness relationship

Report: Mom has plans for tub of whipped cream in fridge – don’t eat it!

Area man only one with problems

Man looks on helplessly as friend tells him story he’s already heard

Mankind tired of having to remind itself of good in the world

Condo board maintains purity of bloodline through generations of intermarriage

My Combo: Rueben looks helplessly at woman’s generous offer to eat whipped cream from mid-size area on man

On Satire Bits: Vol. 127

How’s your week so far? I’ve been using mine to make up for lost time while trying to balance life.

The rain stayed away long enough for me to go into the city for the Opening Day parade. Wow … a lot of people missed work on Monday. The city was buzzing, and the day ended with a dramatic Reds win.

By not posting Tuesday, I was able to get back to visiting. Therefore, I will not post tomorrow, thus Opinions in the Shorts will be the next post.

On to your midweek satire from The Onion. Any favorites below? As with most collections like this, there’s always the Combo Challenge to spark your neurons. For those needing an introduction, create your own satirical headline by using the words (and only those words) that are in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

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Band dreams of one day becoming popular enough to alienate early fans

All cheapest items on wedding registry already purchased

Woman transitioning from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she can’t get pregnant

Navy forms elite SEAL Team to write best-selling tell-all books

Study: Beginning email with short, disingenuous inquiry into personal life best way to network

Scientists require $10 million grant to melt stuff

CIA admits role in 1985 coup to oust David Lee Roth

Consumer entering that awkward age between target demographics

Nation doesn’t know if it can take another bullshit speech about healing

Father-in-law think thank issues one-sentence solution to immigration, unemployment, and crime problems

My Combo: Woman dreams of cheapest way to get David Lee Roth pregnant

On Satire Bits: Vol. 123

Hump Day is here! Hope your week is going well so far.

Cincinnati has been cold this week, but we avoided the latest winter storm. While we were on the light rain side of the front, a more than foot (31+ cm) of snow and a fierce wind pounded my sister-in-law cross-state in Cleveland. Then again, is see that Boston has had 47 inches (120 cm) of snow in the past 10 days.

Now that was one crazy ending to the Super Bowl, which meant cheers for Audra and Mo, but tears for LB, Danica, and Christy. Even more interesting if one examines the important of events in the playoffs.

I’m in the process of learning to use Google Docs for conducting a survey and examining the results. For those who can volunteer less than a minute for five questions, please complete the short survey here. IF you get an Error on submission, please tell me in a comment and identify your answer to the cartoon question. This information will help me determine if your response arrived. Thanks!

Reminder that the next post is last act of Life: The Musical (Act 17) featuring songs with memory, memories, remember, remembering, remembered, or remembrance in the title. Show time is Wednesday at 9:30 pm (Eastern US).

For this week’s mid-week boost of satire, I’m using The Onion’s archival vault to for a journey through each year of school. As always, for those desiring a challenge, make your own satirical headline from the words in the headlines below the image. For those desiring an extra challenge: develop a headline that has nothing to do with school/education. My Combo is at the end (for those who dare to look, which is done at the viewer’s risk).

Have a good rest of the week.

Kindergartener being groomed for line-leader position

First-grade teacher apprehends mysterious coat-room urinator

Second-grade music student goes nuts with cowbell

Third-grade teacher sighs, then helps lost cause with long-division problem

Fourth-grade teacher to polish speech that it’s not third grade anymore

Everyone still remembers time you threw up in fifth grade

Group of sixth grade boys discover pile of naked women in wood

Seventh-grade life science class grossed out by having to dissect horse

Eighth grade reading list heavily favors stuff that sucks big time

Ninth grader thinks Romeo and Juliet might just be her favorite play

10th grade class watches Ben Hur for two weeks

High school junior wishes they are a senior

High school couples prepare for post-graduation breakup

My Combo: Juliet to polish nuts of naked Romeo in woods

On Satire Bits: Vol. 122

The nor’easter storm pounded the New England coast this week. Although Lame in NYC got lucky, I’ve got the feeling Audra took the brunt. Maybe Cynthia can give us a report from Vermont. Good luck to everyone up there.

Meanwhile, Cincinnati received a dusting and cool temperatures.

In the spirit of my education series, The Onion’s archives provides this week’s Wednesday satire to spring you toward the weekend. Even though these are from the vault, the Combo Challenge is still available – so hey – make your own headline from the words in the headlines below the image. My Combo is at the end. Have a good rest of the week.

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Students thankful standardized curriculum sparing them from free-spirited teacher antics

Parent urges child to invest in improv comedy education

Study: Most high school graduates woefully unprepared for high school

Instruction in Internet negates need for sex education

Education is our passport to something or other

Are tests biased against students who don’t give a shit?

Study finds college is more valuable than spending four years chained to radiator

Importance of education given valuable lip service

Dept of Education study reveals Seniors Rule

Parents of nasal learners demand odor-based curriculum

Progressive charter school doesn’t have students

Report: Chinese third graders falling behind US high school students in science and math

My Combo: Progressive charter school students who don’t give a shit urge woefully unprepared parents to invest in free-spirited improv sex education curriculum 

On Satire Bits: Vol. 121

A mid-week greeting to all!

How’s your week going so far? Mine has been low-key, and believe it or not, no dancing yet.

Yesterday’s post about education was well received. Perspectives from UK, Finland, Canada, South Africa, Spain, New Zealand, India, Argentina, and USA .. and all about statements made many years ago. I should have another collection ready for next week.

The next post is Life: The Musical – Act 16 featuring songs with dead, die, dies, died, or death in the title. Get your songs ready because curtain time is Wednesday at 9:30 PM (Eastern US).

Below the image are your mid-week bits of satire from The Onion. For that extra challenge, jump into the fray by developing your very own original headline from the words below. So hey … my combo is at the end.

Have a good rest of the week.

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Grandfather seems proud of how many people polio killed

Life-changing epiphany wears off on ride home

Wrong turn finds man on poor side of mall

New employee has never known decadent pleasures of old office

Man tinkering with anecdote set list before next date

Married couple frustrated after months of unsuccessfully trying to sell baby

Report: America still world leader in manufacturing excuses

Completely uninhibited party guest still choosing to talk about work

Young child still developing antibodies to Mountain Dew

More Americans putting off marriage until ultimatum

China vows to begin aggressively falsifying air pollution numbers

New History Channel program explores what would have happened if History Channel never existed

My Combo: Uninhibited married couple proud of pleasures in old office