On Satire News Bits: Vol. 16

I golfed Tuesday evening, and a round with no rhythm, poor execution, and even worse decision making adds up to one of my worst rounds – therefore – I need a laugh! So let’s go for a midweek chuckle courtesy of The Onion. Any favorites?

Earlobe Now Stretched Long Enough to Hang Self With

Area Moms Freaks Out Again for No Apparent Reason

Hopes and Dreams Crushed by Panel of D-List Celebrities

Desperate Small Town Erects World’s Largest Fiberglass Chili Dog

New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated by Molding

Headlights Caught in Deer

Cool Cat Sitters Lets Cats Stay Up All Night

Alien World to Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses Too

91 Year Old an Expert at Outliving

Undergraduate Student Under Graduate Student

Americans Spend 90% of Waking Hours Starring at Glowing Rectangles

Microbrewer Trying to Work Dog into Name of New Seasonal Beer

Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 139

On Politics
Looking back at the Arab Spring, it’s interesting to notice a different US position in Egypt, Tunisia, Syria, Libya, and Bahrain. Is that because of national values or national interests?

I about choked to death last week when I watched John McCain explain how the most important factor for selecting a potential vice president is the VP’s ability to step into the position if necessary. At the time in 2008, both my wife and I were undecided voters leaning to McCain, and it did not take long for his decision to lose our votes.

Gov. Romney says he deserves credit for the recent success of US Automakers. Really? On well, he will flip on the issue if the companies start to falter.

President Obama’s statement about gay marriage caught me a bit off guard. I’m not sure it will get him votes, but he may lose votes from independents over 50. No, it wasn’t a diverse from the economy. So I figure his reason must be campaign money.

As many rush to fix on VP Biden’s statement about supporting gay marriage as a key reason President Obama made his statement, I say the administration planned the Biden’s statement to gauge the next step.

As if we don’t have enough of these types on Capitol Hill, Indiana Republicans voters nominate (through their primary process) a self-proclaimed, non-compromising obstructionist. Good news is, there still is a general election.

On Headlines from The Onion
Half Sleeve of Oreos Lost in Home Fire
Man Confidently Strides through Beaded Curtain without Parting
Paula Dean Sponsors .05K Walk for Diabetes Research
Loophole in Curse Lets Archeologist Off the Hook
Nation’s Moms Invent New Recreational Drug to Worry About
Lone Wolf Gets Rookie Partner

Interesting Reads
A short read about modern genetics
Emergency Rooms and the Health Care Gap
Water: A Wonder of the Universe
Unemployment Rates and Government Cuts
Vampires, Spirituality, and Danish Teens

On Potpourri
I claim not to write fiction. Any idea why I wrote the following last Saturday morning?

It was a normal Wednesday night on Trinniberg. On one side of town, Hanson went to the well one more time to give a rousing sermon about Alpha and the liaison. At the same time at El Padrino’s Café, Bodemeister, a local gemologist, finished discussing with Dullahan his perspective why daddy nose best – so it was time for him to finish this monthly short story for the Union Rags – “After eating a daddy longlegs, and being the optimizer that he is, the sabercat responded to Indy, his bartending friend, “Before I take charge Indy, I’ll take another.”

At this weekend’s services is our final handbell ring of the season. One of the two we play includes the “singing bell” technique, which involves moving a one-inch dowel rod about the rim of various big bells. (Explanation is similar to moving a finger along the rim of a wine glass to create a “singing glass”. Click here for the video of song with the technique.

My recent post about zinfandel received spam from Zinfandel Burger with a URL about custom sexual aids.

I have a classic cartoon post planned for tomorrow. Hint: It’s a Looney Tunes character.

To help with readers with the the email avalanche from WordPress, I disabled the following comments by email option.

Because we traveled to the microscopic world this week, let’s travel into the weekend with a smile of place to visit. Have a good weekend everyone. In the words of Garrison Keillor, Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

On Satire News Bits: Vol. 8

As my wife is cruising the Caribbean, I’m slaving away with chores, thus having very little time for myself. After two days at sea, a stop in Jamaica, and on the  way to Grand Cayman, I imagine she’s ready to come home as soon as possible.

With all this in mind, here are a few headlines from The Onion to get us over the mid-week hump. Do you have a favorite among these?

Nobody Notices Postal Stamps Now $30

Arby’s Charging $2.99 to Let Customers go Behind Counter to Grab Handfuls of Roast Beef

New Desk Chair is a Boring Dream Come True

Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side of Argument

Area Man Forces Self to Drink Free Refill

FDA Urges Americans to Check Out Weird-Looking Potato

New Law Prohibits Kaleidoscoping While Driving

Australian Tournament Cancelled as Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom of Earth into the Sky

Area Couple Vows Never to go Dildo Shopping Again while Horny

World’s Greatest Trombonist Just Tells People He Works in Marketing

Virulent Strain of Soy Flu Traced to Single Tofurkey

On Satirical News Bits: Vol. 7

The first two days are in the book, thus Wednesday is the day that turns the corner while pointing to the weekend. As for me, I’m back to taking care of the around-the-house chores and having dinner ready when my wife arrives home. Tuesday night was this tasty version of chicken cacciatore from Food & Wine. Well, I did a bit of my on improv on the recipe.

Meanwhile, and for your amusement, here’s some past satire from The Onion for you to enjoy. Which is your favorite?

Study Finds Every Style of Parenting Produces Disturbed Miserable Adult

Department of Homeland Security Develops Security Cologne

Grandma Updates to Cordless Landline

Man Suspected Being Bumbling Spy

Car Alarm Turned Off Just as it was Getting Good

Late Working NASA Scientist Discovers Moon over My Hammy (a rimshot for those who need it)

Beach Reports All Good Shells Taken

Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry

Plague of 17-Year Giraffes Decimates US Southwest

Man to Sail Around World to Decrease Awareness of Important Issues

Woman Begs Friend to take Dessert Menu away from Her

Donut Shop Gets Weird after 11 AM